When you love someone but it goes to waste...

Something has been bugging me all day long. Every time I would write today's date, an odd sensation would wash over me. Driving home, I finally figured out what my subconscious was trying to remind me of: On this date in 1992 I married my first husband, Mark.

This realization brought about a mix of emotions. There was a time in my life that I never would have imagined being able to simply forget the significance of this date. I suppose that is proof of my growth...of time's ability to heal. To be honest, I don't even think I have thought about this day in years.

This year is different.

I'm certain that this is a direct result of having spent time with Mark fairly recently. Seeing him again stirred up many feelings and thoughts that had long settled to the bottom of my soul. The unfortunate way that he decided to part ways with me brought about a fresh new set of wounds that I have been dealing with as well. So I guess it is only natural for this date to suddenly have meaning to me again.

Taking into account everything that has happened...I keep coming back to one question: What if the person you were meant to be with has already come into your life and you let him/her go?


I will never have the luxury of knowing what Mark's real reasons were to suddenly disappear from my life, so I am going to blatantly state my thoughts as fact: It freaked him out that even after a decade apart, we came together and still fit like two mating puzzle pieces. Everything about the time we spent together felt so easy and comfortable. It was as if those 10 years were just a blink of time. That's not to say that we were the same people, because we weren't. But that didn't seem to matter. The spark was still there - the pieces clicked together effortlessly. What does that mean? What was fate trying to tell us as we fretted about our new lives?

I think that Mark wants to be remembered now as the guy who walked away from temptation for all the right reasons. He wants to be the noble guy who did the right thing to ensure that the life I had built after him remained intact and unscathed.

But I saw the way he looked at those photos of us...and I didn't miss the way his voice changed when we were talking about my grandfather's medallion that I gave him for protection, which he still wears to this day. I heard him use his 'special voice' that he used to use when he flirted with me. I saw the regret in his eyes as I showed him pictures of my children.

I noticed everything.

Yet he wants me to think he doesn't give a shit, but I don't buy it. His disappearing act was just him taking the easy way out once again, and that pisses me off. When things get tough, he walks. I guess some things don't change. So sorry Mark, but I don't think of you as the guy who did the right thing by driving away that night. Instead I just see you as the guy who walked out of my life not once but twice because it was the easiest way for you to deal with things.

Despite what you may conclude, dear readers, I don't take for granted what I have with my actual husband. I do love him. I know my life would be less without him in it. He is a better man than Mark in many ways. Still...there is a piece of my heart that is forever locked and sealed from him (and any other person for that matter). No amount of time will ever penetrate and dilute the feelings that are in there. That may be unfair, but it is the truth. Whether or not he deserves it - Mark still has my love.

So on this date I remember him and what could have been and wonder how I could have fixed things...tomorrow I shall go on with my life.