Xanax Nation...

OK, I admit it! I've been avoiding writing entries in this blog that would reveal anything of much substance about myself. Why? Maybe I didn't want to scare any of you with the truth. Or maybe I just didn't want to bore you to tears. Regardless, today the wall comes down...for just a bit.

I bet most of my friends who might be reading this assumed that the "blue girl" in the title of this blog referred to my political affiliations. While I am a life-long Democrat, I was actually referring to the fact that I have been diagnosed with depression (and just to keep it fun, add a side of anxiety disorder too). I pretty much have the anxiety part under control these days, but the depression just seems to stick around.

Honestly, I was in total shock to realize at my last doctor's visit that I had been diagnosed all the way back in April of 2004! Truthfully though I had been a wreck for over a year before they could convince me to get on some anti-depressants (but that is a story for another time). So for three years this thing has eaten up my life and I am tired of it. I am tired of being dependent on pills to make me feel - well, I don't know what the word is because I haven't felt normal in a long time. I'm really freaked out thinking what these pills are doing to my brain. If I don't take one, my body freaks out and I get a weird heavy sensation in the back of my head at the base of my neck. I'll probably get a brain tumor. Joy.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up at all is that at the worst this ever was it was when I was acting as a full-time stay at home (SAH) parent for the first time since my daughter was an infant. I had always worked full-time. When I was laid off however we decided it would save us money to not have the kids in summer daycare - which is incredibly expensive. I expected it to be a good thing, instead it was the probably the worst 3 months of my life. I simply could not handle the constant bickering and demanding nature of my two little angels. I felt like I was going to die...like I was in this constant prison with no life outside of being a mother and house keeper. My hat goes off to those who can do it all the time - and those parents who actually like to stay home have my complete awe. I'm not that person. I don't think it makes me a bad mother to admit that. I just need the ability to live in an adult world now and then.

Numerous life situations have created a situation where I've been a SAH mom for over a year now and while it has been hard, I cope. The trouble is that beginning this past Monday the kids are now home with me once more for summer break. As the days ticked down on the calendar, I could feel this vise in my chest getting tighter and heavier. I was dreading the last day of classes, but of course it came and went. This summer will be a particularly hard one because I have no way to take them anywhere. We only have one car & my hubby takes it to work with him. He works in New Albany and that is a good 30 minute drive one-way from where we live. Driving him to work at 5:30 AM every day would be terrible! Not only would it costs us quite a bit with gas prices so high, but adding all those miles on the car would end up costing us too. We don't live anywhere close to a bus lines either - I think the closest would be about 3-4 miles away. Granted that isn't too bad, but try it with a whiney 9 & 6 year old in tow. I honestly have no idea what we will do. We don't have the money now to buy a new car, and our credit pretty much stinks.

That vise is starting to feel like an anchor. Today I feel it -- anxiety seeping into my bones. My head hurts, my body aches and I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. This is only day 3!!!

I handle a thousand things a day...between being a mom, a wife and a coordinator for my ally group. Lots of people count on me and I never fail -- so why can't I do this? Why can my kids shred me of my composure and confidience with a sneer or snotty remark? I just don't understand. I was not like this 5 years ago.

Send me some good vibes...today, I'm feeling rather hopeless.