How soon is now?

So here is my horoscope: "The stars reveal a big question mark hanging over your head. It's as though you've forgotten who you are...You'll soon be back to your old fabulous mood." I wish the stars could be a bit more specific about this "soon" time frame. For a good part of this week, I have felt a little like Eeyore - traveling about my life with a little black rain cloud following me. Nothing seems to be going right.

Take for instance, the case of the would-be do-gooder...that would be me. For some insane reason, I decided that I could organize a dozen GLBTA organizations to host a booth during the Ohio State Fair. I wanted to make this happen last year, but found only 4 other groups to agree to the idea. But this year is an election year, so I was able to get commitments from enough groups to try and pull off what hasn't been done in almost 6 years. (GLBTA groups don't generally play nice with one another...trust me.)

I'll spare you, dear reader, the boring details - all that is important here is that we didn't get the booth space. I worked my ass off (for free mind you) and did all I could to make this happen, but it didn't. Up until this point, I was the hero. Everyone showered me with praise for my work...and yea, I liked it. Now, that the plan has fallen flat - I think it is fair to say opinions of my leadership are now mixed. Do I deserve this? I don't think I do - I did everything I could and ultimately the decision was out of my hands. This must be why more people opt to be followers instead of leaders. No one wants to risk their own credibility and reputation - just in case. I'm starting to see the wisdom of this ideaology.

The whole affair has put a nasty taste in my mouth toward my ally work. I wish I could just hide in my bed and forget about all things gay for one month. I didn't even write my group's weekly update email...I was just too disgusted. I'm also supposed to be working on this other project with Equality Ohio (again for free...it's always for free) - but after reading about them hiring another PAID staff member who wasn't me...well, I just wanted to scream! The stupid part is that I would never want this new person's job - she's in charge of fundraising, yuck! Still I am so frustrated. I am hard working and I (normally) make things happen. I have worked really hard these past three years, but yet I feel as if I will never get where I want to go in this field (which is being a paid staff member of a GLBT organization). I hate to say it, but I really think it comes down to my sexual orientaion and that is just plain unfair...and very ironic! Anyway, I am not feeling very happy or satisfied in this area of my life (and believe it or not, it is a large portion of my life).

Other than that, I feel like a walking tornado of bad karma and nasty mood swings. I feel incredibly unhappy - the worst part is that I can't seem to shake it. I really can't pin point a reason for this (other than the above mentioned rant).

Brian has been home with us the last two days, so I haven't been trapped in the house. Actually, we've been out and about and even managed to sneak in a few fun things along the way. We used our free AE Jeans/AMC tickets to go see "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" yesterday. I liked it because I went into expecting nothing more than summer frothy fun - and it delivered. Although it is rated PG-13, I would not recommend you take the kids. There are a lot of sexual comments and though treated with humor, the bedroom scenes were a bit much for my 6 & 9 year olds. Luke Wilson was in it - Brian pointed out that instead of David Duchovony (see a previous posting), he thought Luke instead favored David Arquette. I'll let you decide...

Brian was home Thursday and Friday because Thursday was our 10th wedding anniversary -and because we were supposed to be on vacation this week, so he already had the days off. We didn't have enough money for the vacation, or to really celebrate our milestone anniversary for that matter, so that made me depressed. I was even more depressed when I realized we are practically the only people in my family NOT on vacation this weekend (my mother went to Toronto, my aunt is on a cruise and my other aunt is in Phoenix!). Bah!!!

I could go on, but I think you get the point. Life these days has me seeing the glass is half empty instead of full. I am ready for "soon" to be NOW!