Bring out yer dead...

I am faced with a dilemma...and the irony is that I have been faced with it many times over in my past, yet I am still unprepared to deal with it. Aren't we supposed to learn from past experiences? So why when this particular issue comes up do I always stumble?

My dilemma is deciding whether a friendship has run its course and if so what to do about it?

Now, I am not a person who has a ton of friends. I've never really been that person (save for a weird two-year span back in my elementary school years). I blame this on my father's career choice - the US Air Force. We moved all the time...and at very inconvenient times (like during Christmas break!). So I never had much of a chance to form "life long friendships". I am used to people coming in and out of my life in spurts. I'm used to having "acquaintances" instead of real friends. That's not to say that I am happy about that...nor have I ever gotten used to it. One thing I did get used too, however, was being alone...or should that be lonely? Being an only child made these moves even harder. Yet, I should give these times some credit...I think it made me much more imaginative and creative than some people.

I used to think that I had to hold onto a friend as if they were my only life line. It didn't matter if I really didn't like them anymore, or if they were not very nice to me. They were my "friend" and therefore I put up with anything. I also tried way too hard to get people to like me and accept me (I admit, I still have this problem). I would buy them gifts even when I couldn't really afford too, or I would spend massive amounts of time trying to make myself needed in their lives. This led many people to misuse my friendship, and in the end I would be bitter and feel unappreciated. As an adult now, I must admit that I have put myself in this position and so I have only myself to blame...but it is still hard not to pout like a child while doing so.

Over the past decade, I have finally learned an important life lesson - "friends 'till the end" or "BFF" are unrealistic concepts. People evolve and become different over time. Sometimes these changes are good and match my changes, but othertimes they are not and they clash with who I am. I finally learned that sometimes you have to take a serious look at your address book and evaluate who is really worthy of the title 'friend.' This is especially true with me - because I feel real and serious guilt when I think of friends I have not written in some time...of course the fact that they have not written me either doesn't occur to me until much later.

I have had only 4 friendships that have spanned over 5 plus years. One such friend was my junior high school best friend, Pauline. I was in her wedding and she attended mine. After over a decade of friendship though, she had become very religious and "small-town" and well, I went the other way. She didn't approve of my lifestyle and I found her's to be boring and restrictive. One day she just stopped writing me. I sent her birthday cards for a couple of years, but never heard back. Then one day I just let her go. The strange thing is that it didn't faze me a bit. I never shed a tear and I don't miss her in my life at all.

On the other hand, I had a decade long adult friendship with a girl named Barb. My experiences with Barb shapped my life as I live it today. She was my other-half...my ying...my sister. I could write a whole separate journal about the ups and downs of that relationship, and I promise one day you'll learn more about her than you ever wanted too, but to make it short and (bitter)sweet - we had a planet-ending, black hole sucking, crush your will to live ending to our friendship. I literally thought I would die when I lost this person in my life - despite the fact that Barb had become a terrible, manipulating, poisonious presence in my life. I cried an ocean of tears. I cannot get around this hole in my life.

So why the difference? I knew these people about the same length of time. They were at times the center of my universe. One faded without much notice and the other exploded like a super nova. The two experiences have left me in a spiral of self-doubt now when I decide it is time to re-evaluate the people in my lives.

I hate being in this spot because I never know what to do. Sometimes I think it is easier to just exist in people's lives even though I know that I am unhappy. Then I get pissed at myself for allowing people to use me and generally treat me very poorly without even uttering a word in self-defense. So then I generally do one of two things - I overreact and end friendships abruptly or I continue to suffer in silence, smiling on the outside while loathing the situation inside. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground. I wish I could use the moxy I have while fighting for gay rights in my own life. When it comes to me and my own feelings - I'm a mousey, meek weakling! I'm always worried about hurting someone else's feelings even when they are walking all over mine. I hate that!!

I finally chose to end a decade long friendship with another friend of mine, Regina. That was a very hard decision, especially since we were both friends with a third girl and I feared it would end that relationship too (it didn't). Regina and I didn't have a fight or anything like that - I just decided she was too much work and our friendship was no longer worth all the effort I had to put into it. I felt she was too judgmental and demanding of me. I always felt like crap after spending time with her - as if I always had to perform for her, or excuse myself for her. So I said - no more and I ended it without harsh words or tears. Apparently she was happy with this decision because she never even responded. I can honestly say I am happy with my decision. While I regret I won't be able to see her marry her fiance now, I have never regretted walking away.

So that brings us to the present. Here I am once again, trying to decide what to do about a friendship that I fear has come to an end. I have no idea what to do. Why isn't this easier? Why do I keep coming to this very uncomfortable place? Is it me - or them? Does it really matter? I feel so lonely all the time...but yet, here I am willing to turn away another person in my life. That makes no sense! Yet, I still feel the need to make a decision.

I wish I could conclude this entry with an answer - but I don't have one...yet.