Dark days...

Often following a huge emotional and physical event in my life (like Pride), I often find myself crashing down to earth afterward. I wonder if this is normal for those who are diagnosed with depression or if it is just something unique with me as a person. I ride on this fake high for days and then sputter out of gas.

The past several days have been what I consider "bad days" for me. On these types of days, I basically feel overly tired or under-stimulated. I usually feel achy and get migraine-like symptoms. I just want to hide in my bed and be anti-social. In fact, I find that it would be best for those in my life to just forget I exist on days such as these. I'm grouchy and generally just no fun to be near. I also seem to dwell on the negative. I wish I knew why I get like this. The best medicine seems to nap as much as possible and then force myself to be social when it is the very last thing I want to do.

So, I'm writing in my blog and I'm also going to a concert tonight. I think it is very fitting that the band I am seeing is Nine Inch Nails! There will be plenty to be gloomy about there. :o) Actually, I am looking forward to seeing NIN live - I hear Trent puts on a good show. His new album is pretty good too. (Check it out: http://www.nin.com/)

While at Pride this year, I made some time to wander the many tents and ended up picking up some cool swag. One item I received was the new Dixie Chicks single, 'Not Ready to Make Nice.'

(Watch the video - I love the part when Natalie Maines smears everything in black paint with her hands: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwc5YSAc-7g)

I'm one of those annoying people who can listen to a song over and over for hours without even noticing that others may be ready to kill me...and I find myself drawn to this tune. Maybe I should blame my "bad day" attitude for this, but essentially I feel like this song really touches something inside me. I know that the song is actually about the negative reaction the Chicks received after coming out against the war in Iraq and President Bush...but the opening verse seems to give a voice to a hurt that I hold deep inside:

"Forgive - sounds good. Forget - I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting. I'm through with doubt. There is nothing left to figure out. I paid a price and I'll keep paying. I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go 'round and 'round and 'round."

Over the past several years, I have been hurt in ways that have left unhealing scars inside of me. I have been stung by betrayal. I have been abandoned by people I thought I could count on and trust for life. Yet I am still here. Life still moves forward...so why is it that I find it so hard to move with it at times?

I think that is my worst quality as a person. I cannot easily forgive a wrong. I hold in that pain & anger and let it fester inside me in those dark places that we in polite society do not discuss. I wish I could rid myself of these feelings and stop the never-ending film of wrongs that flip through my mind as I lay sleepless in my bed at night. (It reminds me of another song's verse from Maryiln Manson's 'Speed of Pain': "I wish I could sleep, but I can't lay on my back because there's a knife for everyday that I've known you.")

I envy those who are positive and carefree...I will never be that person. I am no Pollyanna.

These dark days bring on these old hurts like a tidal wave. I drown in them and in my own self-pity. If I had but one wish, I think it would be to be able to free myself of these demons. I want more for myself and I have wasted enough of my life in this darkness. Wouldn't it be great if it were enough to realize this and be free? It isn't. Even Superman has his kryptonite.

In time I will share with you, my dear readers, these stories of heartache...but not today. It is time for me to shake these chains off and get ready to face the rest of my day. Now which black shirt shall I wear??? ;o)

Oh...speaking of superheros & darker days: check out the new Spiderman 3 teaser trailer! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoE1JXeGFqE&feature=Views&page=1&t=t&f=b