Out of the closet & into the frying pan...

Pride has finally come and gone...perhaps life will begin to resemble something back to normal for me now. It was a lovely day - the weather was kind to us and the anti-gay demonstrators were at a minimum. Supposedly we had 100,000 people turn up, but it seemed busier last year to me.

Our group had a fantastic turn-out! Although it started out looking fairly dismal, we ended up having 30 people walk in the parade with us. It is very hard to describe the feeling which fills you at the sight and sounds of thousands of strangers applauding your efforts. It is such a love-fest. You want to pull that feeling in and wrap it around you like the loving arms of a mother. It is easily the best part of my year - advocacy wise that is.

We had at least 40 people sign up for our email list...far more than last year. Also, I was able to help a few people from out of the city locate LGBTA groups near their smaller towns. I even spoke at length to a women who was trying to help a friend of hers who wants to transition from a man to a woman. It is so amazing to think of how many lives we can reach - just by showing up! I'll be throwing in a few random photos from Pride very soon.

This year's Pride brought about an interesting email from a friend of mine...in it she came out to me! Although I've only known her as a straight ally, she wanted me to know that she now identified as a lesbian. I must admit that for at least a year now I assumed that she was gay, but I never asked. I'm happy for her - it must have been a very exciting day for her to march in Pride (not for the first time mind you, but as a lesbian for the first time). I wish her all the best because she deserves it - she has a heart of gold.

Her email inspired me to look at life through a different lense for a bit. Another friend of mine, whom I've only ever known as a lesbian, told me this past year that she once identified as a straight ally first too. In fact, I have heard that this is not uncommon...almost like coming out to support the LGBT community first as an ally is a baby step toward coming out fully and realizing the "truth" about your real sexual orienation.

So where does that leave me?

(In my opinion only) I think that for any heterosexual person to be active as an ally to the LGBT community, that person must be more than open-minded. I feel like one must also be sexually liberated in order to accept all versions of love. Personally, I feel like I am "intellectually bi-sexual," yet my body's sexual orienation gravitates toward heterosexuality. I mean, I have only ever slept with men, but in my head I can see why woman are attractive and sexually stimulating. In fact, I could name several famous women I wouldn't kick out of my bed if they were interested. (Drew Barrymore, Kate Winslet, Thora Birch and Shirley Manson to name a few...oh you know you wanted to know! LOL) Hell, over the last three years as an active ally I have even met a few 'real life women' I've admired from afar. (Like I'm going to name names...you wish!)

So what does that mean?

Does admitting this mean I am in the closet? Does the occasional wish that I were interesting/beautiful enough to be admired back by these women mean I shouldn't claim to be heterosexual despite my male-only sexual past? Or does it mean nothing - just that we are all sexual beings and it is acceptable/normal to want to be desired by everyone we feel desire for (despite their gender)?

I can only speak for myself by saying that I am just not interested enough to do more than admire from afar. I know that I love my husband and I enjoy our sexual partnership. If ever I were to explore these flights of fantasy, it would only be out of sheer curiosity - not out of a longing to become more to that person. Doing such a thing would not be fair to the other person involved and I would never want to use someone like that. But what of these other ladies? They obviously came to a very different conclusion.

I asked a few friends at Pride what they think of this pnenomenum of straight allies coming out later in life as gay - all they offered me were tongue-in-cheek responses regarding the "recruiting" efforts of the gay community. Ha ha...but I don't buy that as an actual answer. Certainly emersing yourself into the (forgive the phrase) "gay culture" makes one feel more comfortable contemplating that relationship senario - because same-sex attraction is the norm in this community. So maybe that is the real reasoning behind these "coming out" tales. As heterosexuals, perhaps they were made to feel ashamed of these feelings - but once these allies were able to exist in a community where same-sex attraction was accepted, then they could finally look honestly at their desires without fear. So while I choose to not approach the objects of my admiration, these other ladies chose a different path.

I certainly do not have the answers to my questions. I am just wondering what others think? I cannot believe that all allies are in the closet...but what is it that makes me so comfortable, and in some cases happier, to be among the wonderful people of the LGBT community? My good friend Susie said it best once when while at a local gay bar she commented, "What is it about this place that just makes me feel better?" What is it?! Both Susie and I freely admit that our "inner self" (or perhaps a better term would be alter-ego) tends to be more masculine than feminine. Yet we are both attracted to men. Susie likes to say her alter-ego is a gay man...LOL Maybe there is some truth to that...or not. What I do know is that I count myself as a part of the LGBT community - to the point that I get offended now to be excluded. The vague term queer probably fits best as an indentifier for me - despite my heterosexual orienation.

Well, I didn't mean to get all "deep" on you all this evening. I guess I just needed to get all of these thoughts out of my head and down on 'paper'. If you'd like to share any of your thoughts about this topic, I'd love to hear your theories.

Lastly, speaking of alter-egos: Happy Pride Marty & Benjamin! (Another long story for a different day...)