The saga continues...

So last time I wrote, my father had just introduced me to his work colleague Barb.

This was an especially strange time in my life. I had not been divorced from my first husband, Mark, for all that long and I was trying to rediscover myself. Mark was the first boyfriend I ever had. He was my first kiss…my first everything. When I realized that a boy like Mark (popular & cute) actually wanted to be with me, I felt like an entirely new world opened up to me. I ignored our age differences (he was a couple of years younger than me) and I felt worthy for maybe the first time in my life. He became my entire world – which ultimately led to our destruction. (Well, that and the fact that he liked to cheat on me and hit me.)

Growing up I had terrible self-esteem. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that we moved about every 3-4 years. I was always the “new kid” and “friends forever” was certainly not an option. I was smart but only average to look at. Living on the base, I relied on the bus to take me home. This meant that I was hardly ever able to participate in after school activities and I rarely got invited to the homes of those who were not living on the base with me. My family was never wealthy so I couldn’t keep up with the fads and clothing necessary to survive with the cliques at school. Lastly, most people I met over the years thought it was plain weird to have a father in the military. So I had a lot going against me most the time. I was also an only child, so I had only myself to protect me. This meant I spent a lot of time in my own head. Maybe some of you can understand what I mean by that...

After my separation and divorce from Mark, I basically went on self-destruct mode for about 6 months. I threw myself down into the nearest gutter I could find and drank myself into oblivion to forget my failed life. I stayed out way too late at bars, drank my paychecks, began to smoke “socially” and slept with a variety of club boys. I’m not proud of that time in my life, but looking back I think I needed to sow my oats and get all that “crazy” out of my system. After all, I had only dated one person my whole life up to that point. I did date one guy from work for an extended amount of time, but Craig and I were polar opposites. We had a love/hate relationship from the beginning and it wasn’t going to last. We managed to remain friends “with benefits” after our break-up, but really by the time I was introduced to Barb, I had arrived at a point in my life when I wanted to make new friends and get back to basics.

My life branched into three very distinctive phases at this point; I began to go back to school and I, of course, had to work. I also became an avid hockey fan and was a season ticket holder for The Columbus Chill, which is where I made two close friends, Laurie and Regina. I also became a gamer again and hung out with Barb and my new “pack” of friends. It is weird looking back at that year (1993) in my life. None of those three things really intersected and joined together. I kept each life in its own little compartment. I brought Barb to Chill games now and then, but she just slid back into her real place in my life and never really mixed into that part of my world.

Becoming friends with Barb was a real turning point in my life. She and I were very different people from the very beginning, but we just somehow clicked with one another. She was this earthy, artistic spirit. She actually wore moccasins – in public! She painted, read comics and got the whole “game thing.” She drove a truck and wanted to buy a motorcycle. She did crazy, spur of the moment things like dressing up as a black cat on Halloween and walking around a local comic store meowing and scratching at the customers! I was captivated by her long dark hair, combat boots and breezy attitude. She was part Goth/part Hippy. I wasn’t like her at all – but I often wished I could be. I was so uptight and straight-laced compared to her. Even though she was several years older than me, she possessed a naivety that I had long lost. I was the wise-beyond my years pessimist and she was the eternal optimist. I suppose we were like two fitting puzzle pieces that way…dark and light…Ying and Yang. Whatever it was, it was a bond that I had never felt with another person before.

It was my new friendship with Barb that allowed me to become a gamer again. She was already friends with those in our new gaming group, which was good since I really didn’t fit in right away. I’ve always been very preppy, suburban and WASP-like, and these people were dark, angst-ridden campus types. The guys were pale skinned with long dyed-black hair. They wore chain-metal and black finger nail polish. My mother would have locked her car door if she drove by them walking down the street! LOL Yet I liked them. Inside I felt we were very similar – but few people bother to get to know you at that level, so I’m certain that if it wasn’t for Barb they probably would have “forgotten” to call me about games.

It took a while but I finally began to fit in with this wonderful, crazy group of people that I called my pack. They became like family to me and I spent as much time as I could with them. We were all young & single, so we became an incestuous family at times – pairing off and fighting amongst ourselves over petty things. (Such things are common in gaming groups of mixed sexes, unfortunately.)

I must admit that I never did “pair off” with anyone, but I wanted too! I had the fiercest crush on our pack leader, Jeremy(see photo below). Even though he was “paired” with Lynn at the time, I’ll admit to you, my dear readers, of a very flirtatious afternoon in his bedroom. I wish I could say I at least got a kiss, because trust me when I say he was absolutely dreamy in his long black trench coat, but no. We tempted each other with it, but it never happened. Sorry Lynn…wherever you may be now…but I had to try.

I really cannot adequately explain to you how much my pack’s friendship meant to me. I felt like I belonged to a family and that I was cared for when I was with them. I really needed that affirmation, and I felt it most strongly with Barb. We used to sit in her truck for hours and just talk and listen to Paula Cole, Bjork, Depeche Mode and NIN. Our GM, Steve, worked at a local gaming store and after hours we would play Werewolf into the wee hours of the morning. Barb and I would end up at the only place open at 2:30 AM – Tee Jay’s. Man! Their clientele* was very eclectic at that hour. LOL

It was never enough – I wanted to play all the time. I didn’t have a boyfriend or anyone really to report too, so time meant very little to me. I would have gamed every night if my life would have allowed it. It was the exit from reality that I was looking for – and I jumped in head first. I lost myself in this new “World of Darkness,” and embraced my alter ego who lived there…Martin E. Fichaud.

Whom I will share more about the next time I write…

*(I have this awesome memory of Barb and me eating at Tee Jay’s on High Street. The “people” in the booth behind us were totally vamped- out. They were decked out in all black clothes, pale skin and those really expensive fake (yet realistic looking) vampire canines. They invited themselves into our conversation and eventually into our booth. There were 2 guys and a girl. Two of them were a couple, so the single guy made the most of his opportunity to flirt with us. I loved every minute of his attention, and even though I would have never approached him in the light of day, at 2 in the morning over a greasy plate of breakfast, he looked like fun. I’ll never forget the look on Barb’s face when I let him “bite” me. LOL Hey! You only live once, right?! It’s was actually kind of cool. Then again, I’m a bit kinky! )