Happy Holidays...bah! Hum bug!

Christmas has come and gone. I hope yours was merry. Mine was the usual drama – and then some. It all started about a week back when for the first time in eight years we missed the annual holiday memorial for our son Jacob. In 1998, we lost Jacob a few days into the second trimester. The cause was a partial molar pregnancy. He would have been born on December 22nd… a Christmas baby. Each year the grief/support group I went too shortly after losing Jacob holds a holiday gathering. It is always the third Thursday of December. This year it was on a Tuesday but we didn’t know and missed it. I was so upset. It is my one time to celebrate openly the little life that should have been. I get to speak his name and see it on the Christmas tree. Unless you’ve lost a child you cannot know how important a simple thing like saying his name is. No one talks about Jacob. No one remembers his due date. I do…and I alone carry that burden. Brian has his own way of dealing with things – it doesn’t include remembering such things like a due date. Jacob should have turned 8 last week. It is hard to look at my son Brandon and not see him too.

As usual we had way too little money to be able to give gifts to as many people as we had hoped too. We were unable to exchange gifts with most people. It always makes me so uncomfortable when we see relatives and they heap presents on our kids and we have nothing for theirs. I used to always pride myself in giving great gifts to all my kid cousins – I bet they wonder why I stopped. Can they really understand the concept of working poor? We received some help from a charity that my son’s school has – so my kids had a nice Christmas. It’s becoming the norm that Brian and I get little for ourselves. I guess that is the way it ought to be. My mom helped us out – again – and we were able to get a bit more for each other. I’m starting to hate this holiday, which used to be my favorite. Reality bites!

This year I was really stupid. I thought that I should attempt to visit my father’s side of the family for Christmas. I hadn’t gone to a family function for almost 2 years – ever since my Dad moved in with his internet-whore. She was there – like I knew she would be. I thought I could do it – just show up and be OK, even though I had never met the woman. Well, it took a Xanax and a 15 minute mantra of “You can do this!” as we drove to my grandmother’s house, but I did do it. I walked in and there she was right in my face the second I was in the house. (She was sitting in front of the door.)

I tried. I really did. I just couldn’t be pleasant. I couldn’t pretend she was just some random stranger and be polite, which was my plan. I could feel her staring at me as I tried not to look in her direction. I wanted to go all WWF on her ass. I wanted to grab her by her drab brown scraggly hair and drag her onto the lawn for a first class Westside brawl. It was the most uncomfortable 45 minutes of my life. My father introduced us in front of everyone!! I swear I felt like I was on Springer. I spat out “Nice to meet you,” but unless the girl was a total idiot I’m sure she picked up on the fact that it came out like “Fuck you ugly cunt!” Sorry about dropping the “c” word, but this is the rare case I feel it is appropriate. I didn’t say another word to her and she stayed hiding behind my father’s chair. She never uttered a word to me…which means she has more brains than I gave her credit for. At least I can say I tried – which is more than they did. I also know now that it will never happen again.

Yesterday the gas got shut off and we froze half to death last night. We are all bundled up with blankets as we wait for the tech to show up and turn it back on. We had to spend some of the Christmas money we received from relatives to pay the bill. It is more important (obviously) to have heat than new underwear and bras, which is what I was going to buy with some of the money.

Honestly, it has just been a crappy day. I woke up at 8AM to the phone ringing. It was a bill collector. At 9AM another collector called. Yesterday my mail box was filled with a colorful variety of notices – all of impending doom. I have no idea how to get out of this hole. It gets deeper each day. Why can’t we get a do-over? Wouldn’t that be nice?

I did get to spend some time with a friend here and there over the holiday – which was very nice. Brian got me the few things I really wanted – Grey’s Anatomy Soundtrack (Vol.2) which I’m listening too now, a soft grey sweater from Macys and a pretty bracelet from Mars Creations (a cute “family” owned store in German Village). My Mom got me some cozy pajamas and desperately needed socks. So really, I am happy in that sense.

So now I’m facing down the last few days of this lousy year. Good riddance! I’m looking forward to a clean slate I beg the Gods and whoever else to bring me a much brighter, healthier and happier 2007. I was thinking again about moving away from this messy hell hole…Oregon looks better every day (even with all their recent weather issues). We will see…

Talk to you all again soon. Happy New Year!

Weirdest Place for positive salutation: On the paper liner of my maxi-pad! Santa dropped my “Aunt Flo” in for a visit, and while doing my business I look down at the liner paper of my Always brand maxi-pad and written on it is: “Have a happy period!” Am I the only one a little bit freaked out by that? LOL