Darker days...

I have been in a terrible mood all day today...so I did what any sane person would do - I crawled back into my bed and slept as much of it away as I could. The only problem is that when I woke up nothing was any better.

To be honest, I've been spiraling downward all week to this point. Yesterday I looked out my back door and clearly thought to myself: "I want my life back." The funny thing is that I cannot remember what that life was anymore. So why do I want it back? I guess I just don't want to be in this life anymore. Is that progress?

I've been purposely staying off my blog this week because when I get into these dark funks, no one really wants to know what I'm thinking. God knows I haven't done anything worth reading about. I haven't even been outside longer than 15 minutes unless it was to run a quick errand - like dropping off my recycle or something lame like that. I feel very much like I am in a prison most days. I look out the window, but it never occurs to me to walk outside into the beautiful day.

So, I'm on depression medicine - but it doesn't really seem to be working, now does it? Jesus! What would I be like if I were NOT on meds? That is a scary thought. So what am I supposed to do? Change meds? Rot here until someone notices the smell?

I've been spending way too much time on the computer this week. I've been obsessed with my MySpace page (wwmisery - if you want to look me up) and for awhile it was a fun distraction. I even made a new and interesting friend. But my page has been silent for some time now - and my interesting new friend is ignoring me. All of this makes me even more moody and gloomy.

I should be rejoicing - this is the new fall TV week! I live for this week - but even new episodes and new shows only offer me a brief retreat. I fall right back to this dark place as soon as I turn off the set. I got a new book - it is just looking at me. I tell myself to read it - but I don't. I started cleaning my closet out...now half of it is nice and the other half is all over my room. I have no excuse not to have it done, but it isn't. I just don't give a shit.

OK - so this is the worse post ever. But I wanted to write this as proof that I am still alive and exist.

Peace.