Grrr - or Why I Haven't Posted Much Lately

I know...I suck. My postings lately have been rather generic and sporadic at best. For that, I am sorry dear readers.

Life has just been coming at me from all directions lately, and for some reason my brain has decided that now would be a good time to check out. I just can't seem to organize everything that needs to be organized. Every other moment I seem to have a new priority...or I've decided that I just don't give a rat's ass anymore and decide to stay in my bed and look at the ceiling instead.

My financial situation, in a word - sucks. Therefore my life pretty much sucks too. We are now paying for our bad choice to go on our mini-vacation a month or so back, even though we knew we were too poor to go. It's my own fault and I'm not here to blame anyone but myself. I just wish it wasn't always so hard. I wish I never knew that feeling of anxiety as you watch the cashier ring up your groceries and your stomach ties itself in a knot as the dollar amount rises and you hope - PRAY - you have enough so you don't have to ask them to remove something. Then you have to really think about what item you will remove because you already bought just exactly what you needed to get by. Luckily today I didn't have to put anything back, but now my wallet (like my bank account) is very, very light. Just 4 more days like this and we will get paid finally. I don't care what "they" say - money CAN buy happiness. I bet a rich person has never had to choose between buying medicine, groceries or gas for their only car. Rotten, stinking rich people! Grr.

Onto other topics - SpeakOUT is driving me insane. I admit it. I cannot make up my mind at all about what to do with my group. I love it/I hate it. I feel totally burned out and used up as far as all that goes. Yet, I am packed with public appearances and obligations over the next 2 months. So we are successful but I feel totally uninterested in spending one more moment doing it. Maybe that is because I am doing it alone. I eat, sleep and breathe it 24/7. I think I've reached my lifetime quota of gayness!

Today's monthly meeting was terrible (at least to me) and I think it is just because I am so torn about what I need to do. I honestly went in there today with nothing to talk about or planned. I feel like I've worked so hard, for so long and now I'm not sure I want pour more of myself and my time into it. On the other hand, if I don't who will? I worked hard to be at this place, but I have no time to enjoy my hard-earned mini-moments of joy. Also, everyone around me in the "leadership" of the community is currently pissing me off. I just can't stand all their fakey crap anymore. So...501c3 or not? Who the hell knows...not me apparently.

Also, I'm sort of pissed at some friends of mine. I've written them emails; which they in turn totally ignore. I'm not naming names, but we all used to be close friends...but through one thing or another we are now just people who see each other on occasion. Still! If someone writes you who is/was a friend then it is common courtesy that you should at least acknowledge it...especially when in the email you are asked if it would be OK to drop in and visit. Apparently I got my answer! Why can't people just tell you to fuck off when they don't want to be bothered with you anymore? Just say that you don't want to write anymore or whatever. It just irks me...sorry to vent on your shoulder. Anyhow, I've been wanting to write and tell them these things but they are probably not even reading my emails at all. I guess I should just delete them from my contacts and move on...

Another reason I haven't been posting is that I am currently obsessed with my new MySpace page (myspace/wwmisery). I only created it to talk to my ex-husband (see "bad idea" post for more on that) but now I love it! I only post humorous tid bits on that blog...the "real me" stays here. But I like adding songs and so forth. I'm sure it will lose its luster sooner than later...but right now it is fun to play with and explore.

The kids are back in school and that brings its own baggage - but I am enjoying my new found peace and quiet.

Overall, I feel like I am running in circles (in my head and in real life). I'm working hard but not accomplishing much in the process. I am usually good at tackling projects and being organized, so I'm a little bit dazed at why I can't get my shit together these days. I hope this is just a temporary funk. I know that I need to organize all these little piles of "to dos" and start doing them. I need to make some hard decisions and live with the results of those decisions.

But first I think I'll just wander over to MySpace...

Be well dear reader.