The Saga - Conclusion...no, really!

"You had the best,

but you gave her up…
You broke the set;

now there’s only singles.
There’s no looking back -

this time I mean it.
I won’t be there; no more bother.
If you feel you just might want me...
That’s too bad - I’m not that easy.
Are you happy now?
You’re by yourself - all by yourself.
You have no one else; you’re by yourself.”

~ “Happy Now?” by No Doubt

I was looking back over my blog - I cannot believe it has been over a year since I started writing here - and I realized that I have left everyone hanging regarding my grand "saga" about the demise of my "friendship" with Barb. Maybe you don't even care by this point, dear reader, but nevertheless I feel I owe it a conclusion - and that was all that was left to write anyhow. So I'll take this opportunity to do so now...

“I’m a good person; don't wanna fight with no one.
But you piss me off…all bets are off.
Fuck you!
You taste like toxic poison.
I wash my hands of you!”
~ “Why Don’t You Come Over” ~ Garbage


So where were we? Oh yes...Barb and I had begun our journey back into gaming after a miserable attempt to just be "girls" and not constantly talk about game stuff. We (or at least I) had come to see that over the many years that had spanned since she lived here, that we had grown into different people. Though she would never admit it, her years of living on conservative patches of God's country in Utah and Texas had changed her moral views. She had become more conservative herself - though not an outright "Red"...she certainly had lost her "Blue" roots and had become more violet. I on the other hand had transformed toward liberalism and embraced my inner-"city gal". Our interests really had boiled down to two categories: our game and our past.

So we gamed...and I loved it. It was wonderful and fulfilling in a way I longed for. I missed my "people" and I missed being in their skins. I loved every moment I was able to be there and not here in my own skin. Things went well for some time, but as in the past, Barb's real-life conflicts always seemed to surface in our games. She wouldn't write, or she would cancel IM sessions to game with me at the last moment. Or she would drown herself in nothing but the game and flood me with posts. There was never a constant with her - and it drove me crazy!

I think I spoke about Martin & Ben's new relationship in my past post...well, I continued to love their story. For once Marty was happy and I was happy too. Yet, for her own reasons, Barb was not. She wrote this story with growing bitterness. She claims now (or so I hear second-hand) that I was so "sexually obsessed" with this story that she couldn't "deal" with it or me anymore. We fought over these characters and finally rather than face her butcher Ben or kill him off entirely, I decided to take him from her as she had offered previously. It was the only way I could protect what I saw as the best future for my characters. We continued to write with me now writing for both Marty and Ben, but it was not the same. I found myself becoming bitter toward her and that leaked into my interactions with her characters. She did the same. It was a dark, never-ending spiral to a miserable place neither of us wanted to be in. And then she just disappeared altogether - again!

All of this just happened to coincide with a particularly bad point in my real life. My work life sucked! I had lost my favorite boss and ended up with one who was a back-stabbing, suck-up to the big boys in charge, lazy-ass! I was working harder with no more pay. I was doing both our jobs and resented it. I missed my old boss and his friendship. I literally started getting sick at work from the stress. In the end, I even started taking my 15 minute breaks (in my car)...after never taking them for the previous 3 years I had worked there...just to get away from the place. Right before I left my job (which I resigned from before they could start the paperwork to force me out) Barb and I were actually in a good place. We were writing and calling each other. She told me she would be happy if I was at home so we could game more! In fact, I was written up shortly before I turned in my 2-week notice because the IT department had caught one of our emails to one another.

So imagine my surprise when I quit my job and Barb just vanished for weeks! She stopped calling and writing. I tried to email her without any replies. I was in a dark place and I started to have anxiety attacks. Things began falling apart in my life. Things were crappy between Brian and I; I had no friends to turn too; no game to escape too; and then my car died on us. I had a major melt-down. We had no money and I feared Brian would loose his job without a car. I logged on to the computer that night and like a miracle I received an IM from Barb! I couldn't believe it...

I told her how incredible it was to hear from her because I was in such a bad place. I really needed to hear from a friend, I told her. I explained my mess. Then the IM conversation got weird...she wouldn't reply to some things I was asking her. I finally asked her if she was IMing with someone else - should I let her go? The reply came back - no, I'm just playing a game with some neighborhood friends. A role-playing game. I was furious! I asked her if she knew how insensitive that was? I told her how upset I was...and then the little emoticon popped up of a smiling face. The message attached said...this isn't Barb! Her boyfriend and his friends were using her IM address to play a game with me apparently. It was like I could feel the last secure piece inside my head pop free and everything came crashing down. I couldn't believe how cruel these people were...and I couldn't forget the fact that Barb must have shared a lot about our relationship for them to have fooled me for so long, and for them to be able to know what to say to hurt me. I couldn't even breathe! I logged off and just cried in the darkness of my room. I knew at that moment my relationship with Barb was over forever.

The next morning I wrote her a simple email. I had written a long ranting one, but deleted it...I didn't want to end things like that. Instead I wrote a paragraph explaining what had happened the night before. I also wrote about how I couldn't understand how she could let that happen - especially with the full knowledge that she lived in a trailer house where the computer was in full view of both the living room and her bed! I told her that I would not be sticking around anymore to be a joke . I wasn't going to waste another moment of my life wondering why she couldn't be my friend. I told her goodbye...and then I told her the truth, that I knew she would allow this to be the end because she would never think to chase after me like I always did her - but that I had been pushed to the point where for the first time I didn't give a damn. I hit send - and then I collapsed into a despair so deep that I am still trying to fully recover.

She did reply to me...a long, nasty, terrible letter. I kept it. I want to remember what she really thought about me. I don't want to think back and make the mistake of glossing over the ugliness. I don't want to forget the truth. After years of support and love...and whatever the hell we had going on between us...this is what it all came down to: the three words she had to share with me over my disappointment that we would not be together...

GET OVER IT!

That is what she had to say to me. That is her lasting legacy. That is what I take with me now from that experience. But you know what? I will say this - being the one to end the relationship this time around really made all the difference. It's no wonder that she could sit over there indifferently on her end the last time our relationship was in ruins...it was on her terms. She didn't have to wonder and wait -- she just had to decide when or if to read my mail and reply. Well, this time we did it on MY terms and it felt great! My only hope is that I hurt her with that choice as much as she did me the first time. The difference though is I at least gave her a real reason and a definite ending...something she never granted me.

It has been many years since that email, but I haven't gotten over it. (Duh!) I've tried - believe me. I never knew that one single person could ruin you so completely - but I know now. I've also learned to keep people away and to build a wall inside of me that no one is allowed beyond now. I can't risk it. I just don't have the strength to fight back from that kind of despair again.

I've since learned from a mutual friend that her life is not much different than it was when we last spoke. She is still struggling...still living with that loser. I found out too that her boyfriend was beating her and stealing from her. I know (from her own words) that she burned all her art stuff and gave/sold all her gaming items away. She totally gutted herself and personality to stay in a hell that she created and willingly remains in. Maybe I should feel sorry for her - and give her a break for all she was going through - but I don't and I won't.

And what of my Martin? Well, he gave back to me the ultimate gift - his life force. I gave him "life" for all those years, and hid inside his strength, but when I lost everything I couldn't hide anymore. He couldn't protect me the way he used too. All the pills and crying in the world couldn't put my broken heart/head together...so he gave me his energy to carry on. I know that seems weird to read, but I feel it is true. I've noticed that I see life now through "his" eyes. Whenever I would think about him or play him, he just had a certain "feel" - and now that is how I feel most the time. That is both good and bad - because let's face it, Martin was not exactly the most stable person himself. I also know now that I cannot "call" on him to give me a boost or cheer me up like I did before. So, we are one and any strength that I need will have to be found within from now on.

Some people probably won't have much sympathy for my saga...and some might even think I need serious medical help...but it is my story for what it is worth. It was something that shaped the very person that I am now...for better or worst. For what it is worth, I know I should be the bigger person and forgive her. Well see the photo above! I cannot forgive her. I did not deserve this & she does not deserve my forgiveness! What still stings is that she never asked me to forgive her and never would even if given the chance. I know the wisdom of not burning bridges, but I used a whole fucking box of matches and watched this one burn to dust! If I could see her today, I would either like to just punch her straight in the face or simply walk by her as if she were a stranger and meant nothing (the choice varies depending on my mood).

I want her to hurt as much as I hurt. I cannot be more honest than that, and after all the tears and years I've lost to her, I won't apologize for it.

With that I will close this chapter. (Oh, and if you feel inclined to comment...don't even think about writing those "three little words" or I'll be forced to hunt you down!) Thank you for your patience dear reader...

"When I'm sad, you come to me.

With a thousand smiles, you set me free.

It's alright.

Take anything you want from me.

Anything."

~ "Little Wing" by Concrete Blonde

for Martin

Je vous aime et m'ennuie beaucoup