Burn Your Life Down...

"Burn your life down" is the title of a Tegan and Sara song. I don't really know it...but the moment I read the title, it spoke to me. The first thing that came to mind was how that's exactly what I'd like to do with my life right about now. Just burn it down to ash and start the fuck over...but life doesn't work that way. Just ask my "ex" - when life got too hard for her, she just grabbed everything that she felt represented who she was and literally threw it in a bonfire. Her gaming books, her art supplies, our tapes...but guess what? It didn't change a damned thing. Sometimes you can't bury (or burn) your problems.

2008 sucked so badly that I figured 2009 could only get better. Well, I'm still waiting. Not only have my hours at work been wittled down to 12 (from 32), but my boss won't even consider a better working schedule for me to be able to get an additional part-time job that doesn't involve retail or fries. It is getting so hard to walk into that office every day. I just smile and work my stupid 3 hours a day. Then I come home and bury myself under my pillows and wish for darkness to swallow me up until I have to do it all over again. I'm bored...I'm listless...I'm lazy...I'm freaking out! Mainly though, I wonder how I am here at this point in my life. I loathe the idea of being out there looking for a new job...yet that is exactly what I need to be doing.

I keep having this conversation with myself. Where else could I be? What city? What state? (What country?) Are those places any better than where I am now? Would I be able to find a decent job there? Could I be happier there? Why do I stay here? I know I'm not happy here - and I know that there are no stupid jobs here. Maybe this terrible place where I exist currently has been brought about on purpose. What if this is a signal from someone much smarter than I? What if this misery is supposed to be the equivalent of a karma cattle prod to the ass?

Do you ever wonder how come people stay where they are when they'd rather be somewhere else? Like me for instance: I'm a water lover. I feel such peace around a lake or ocean. I loved it down in North Carolina. It was beautiful. SO WHY DO I LIVE IN COLUMBUS?!?! Seriously...why?

I'm in a dark, gloomy place tonight. Sorry. I didn't want my first post in such a long time to be like this...but what can I do but be honest?

Last Book I Read: "Breaking Dawn" by Stephenie Meyer

Last Song I Heard: "Breakable" by Ingrid Michaelson

Last TV Show I Watched: "How I Met Your Mother"

Last Inspirational Thing I Saw: My daughter finally making it to the top of the rock climbing wall - even though she had to move to the easier area. She never gave up until she did it!

Last Thing That Made Me Happy: Seeing Kate Winslet (or "that British actress" as some dumbass from Mad Men called her) win 2 Golden Globes last night. She's awesome! (& yummy...lol)

Last Thing That Made Me Unhappy: Watching Hugh Laurie/House lose twice during the Golden Globes...bah!