The Story of Us...

It only took 15 years, but last night I closed a chapter in my life. Last night I went to dinner with my first husband, Mark. I honestly did not think that it would happen. Ever since he and I reconnected via email/MySpace over a year ago, we've flirted with the idea of meeting in real life. I never considered that it might actually happen though. I guess all the stars aligned though, because I found myself, with my current husband's blessings, across the table from a man I never thought I would see again.

I'm so glad that I went.

I had seen current photos of him on his MySpace page, so I was prepared for the fact that he wouldn't be the same "kid" of 19 that I married all those many years ago. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that I had forgotten his voice. How could that possibly be? For the first few minutes I felt like a stranger was sitting in front of me. He looked different and sounded foreign to me...but behind all the years that had separated us, I finally just looked into his eyes and saw the man I remembered as mine.

The first few minutes, I found it hard to look him in the eye. What was he thinking? How had the years changed me in his mind? He hid behind his folded hands too. It was just so surreal to be there in that moment. Luckily the moment passed and we fell into a comfortable conversation. Dinner passed as we caught up on old friends, updated one another on our families and talked about our lives. I was envious to learn of all the places that he had traveled too...when I had just stayed here in Columbus - wishing I could be elsewhere. I envied him that he had become all the things he hoped to be...and I am still trying to figure out where I belong. I envied his financial freedom to own three cars when I can barely get by. The time passed too quickly and I found myself saying aloud how I did not want our time to end. He never echoed my sentiment, but he never found an excuse to leave either.

It wasn't until we found ourselves outside in the parking lot that our conversation took on a more meaningful tone. I had no idea if I would ever have the chance to see him again...or if I would have the courage to speak my mind so freely...so I let most every thought out into the cool night air. I asked him questions about our marriage that I had kept buried deep inside of me for years...questions I figured that would never have answers. He answered them with honesty and maturity that could only come from a decade and a half of hindsight. There was no more cruelty. There was no more lies. It was a time for truth and healing. We owned up to our faults and put the past to rest. We laughed, cringed and shared meaningful glances as we walked down that twisted road known as the story of us. I cannot adequately explain how that felt. It was a long time coming.

What I learned...
* It's never too late to heal old wounds.
* It's liberating to say the things that you've kept deep inside your heart...and to do so without being hurtful.
* There's something freeing to admit blame and ask for forgiveness - even if it happens years later.
* That what I thought I knew wasn't entirely the truth. I finally heard his side.
* It wasn't all my fault. It wasn't all his either.
* We both had regrets...but having been together wasn't one of them.
* That we both envy pieces of each other's lives...but we were also pretty happy with how it all turned out.

What I learned that was hard to accept...
* That it wasn't about infidelities, lies or not being good enough - it was just that it was time for us to be over. We were hurting one another - physically and emotionally - and no matter what we had to end.
* That it still hurt to have lost him...but not as much as I remembered.
* That he had a specific moment in his mind when he knew the end had come for us - and it had nothing to do with another person. I never had that and I think that kept me from healing for a long time. Instead, the end of my marriage to the first person whom I really truly loved and trusted, was just something that "happened to me." I felt that I had no control. I envied him.
* That he was no longer "my Mark"...he had grown into a person that I no longer really knew.

I was really proud of myself last night. I had the courage to speak my mind and heart...and it didn't end with me in tears. Sure, I felt them at times threatening to surface but they never came. I had matured too. The bravest, most truest statement I made last night was this: "I didn't want to let you go." I am sure he had no idea how hard it was for me to admit that to him, but it was really hard.

Even though we had spent the better part of three hours talking, it still felt like I had more to say. I didn't want the night to end...but of course it had too. Those final moments were sort of awkward. Should we just go our separate ways? Shake hands? It seemed ridiculous to have this sort of tension between us...so I asked him if he wanted to give me a hug. I have to admit that I was happy to get one. All night I felt like reaching across the table and taking his hand in mine. It felt like a natural instinct to me.

Thinking back on it now, I realize that I touched his arm more than once last night. It was like I needed that physical connection with him. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to mark him with my scent again - who knows?! I also realize now that he was much more guarded toward me. He never touched me except when we hugged. He was exceedingly polite all night. I really wish I could know what he was thinking behind his little wall. I'll admit that I wondered how the night might end. Would he try to kiss me? (Would I let him?) Would I try to kiss him? (Would he let me?) For the smallest of moments, as we said our good-byes, I wanted that movie moment. I wanted him to let his guard down and pull me close. That never happened...and I honestly couldn't say that he even thought about it. (Which was a bit ego bruising if I am being honest here.) If he did, I couldn't read it in his face. Of course, it is better that it didn't end that way, but I am human and I admit my curiosity.

The one luxury I did allow myself that night was to touch his ears. If you don't know us, then that sounds a bit strange. Let's just say, I loved his ears and I warned him that if I ever saw him again that I would have to touch them again. I suppose that was crossing the line, but he didn't stop me...and in that briefest moment I stole away a precious memory of "us" to keep close to my heart. I can only guess what was going through his mind at that moment, but he smiled at me and I'd like to think he was enjoying the moment too.

Even though he will be moving to another state next month, we didn't say good-bye like we did 15 years earlier. We left it open. I'm not sure how long we will stay in touch now. I hope to maybe see him again before he leaves. Perhaps though that dinner served its purpose for both of us, and his emails will become less frequent and fade away. Maybe last night will actually be the last time I see Mark. If it is, I will never regret it. We should all be so lucky to have the kind of closure he and I gained in three short hours.

Today, I feel a bit down. I'm finally able to process several long-held issues. I suppose that in some ways, I'm finally putting him behind me. I certainly see him through new eyes. For some reason, this all makes me feel sad. I'm also processing my feelings about how my life has turned out and what I still want to do with the time I have ahead of me. It's been a quite day. I feel like something has changed, but as I look at my family, it is still all the same. I still have all the challenges and responsibilites that I had before my dinner with Mark...yet there has been a change, at least in me.

What I didn't say last night...
* I love you. (That will always be true.) I'd like to think that he already knew that...it was just the one thing I couldn't trust myself to say out loud without becoming emotional.