A sad evening...

A quick post: I just came back from a holiday memorial in honor of those who have lost a child during pregnancy, or soon after. Long time readers will know that we lost our first son, Jacob, back in 1998 due to complications from a partial molar pregnancy.

Every December, the Lost Child Support Group holds a Holiday Memorial Service. It is very important to me to attend this event for two specific reasons:

1) It gives me a chance to say my son's name outloud, and to receive a special Christmas ornament in his honor for our tree.

2) It gives me a special moment in the busy holiday season to remember my son, who would have been born on Dec. 22nd. Jacob would have been nine this year.

I won't lie - it is a very sad affair. I always feel miserable afterward...so I guess some people would say going to it is not so bright. Yet, I feel it is my duty as his mother to never miss it. This year I went alone because it always makes my daughter sad and Brian just goes for my sake anyhow. Brandon just likes the punch and cookies afterward. It felt weird sitting all alone in the chapel. I wanted my family there with me, but I also knew they were happier being at home. That is sort of how I must deal with my grief regarding Jacob - I handle it alone, and try to make life more enjoyable for everyone else even if I am sad or down.

I try to think logically - if Jacob had survived to birth, he would have died soon after...and he would have had many birth defects. But my heart can't "think" logically. I saw Jacob on the ultra-sound - saw his tiny arms and legs moving. I counted all 4 parts of his heart...and saw his brain. I even heard my son's heartbeat. He was a real child and I lost him.

Nine years is a long time - but my heart still misses him. Christmas is really hard - but life must move forward and I must focus on my living children for now. Someday I will be with Jacob again - as for tonight, I will think of him and send him kisses.

Song of memorial for my son: 1,000 Oceans by Tori Amos