Night ramblings...

I should be sleeping - but instead I find myself here on the computer at nearly two in the morning. I have felt stressed out all day. In fact, I wish I could have stayed in bed instead of facing the day. I just wanted to be in silence, tucked in my warm bed. I just feel empty, alone and so damned tired inside. I've been having nightmares all week. My dreams are full of stressful encounters and conflict.

Ever since Brian started work this past Tuesday, I've been really depressed. I miss having him here with me...and even though I now have my life back to the way it was before (more or less), it just seems bleaker than ever. It doesn't help that I haven't had a break from the kids since 3/20 because of Spring Break. To hell with water boarding - put the terriorists in a room with two squabbling siblings for 24 hours straight and they will tell you anything just to get away!

I did something fairly huge yesterday - I created an email account for Brian. This may not seem like much, but he hasn't had a private email account for well over a year - not since I found out he was have a psuedo-affair online. Although it never amounted to a real life encounter, it devastated me and shattered my ability to trust him. I yanked his account as part of our agreement to 'try' and rebuild our relationship.

Well, since being laid off he hasn't had his own email account at all, and his new job doesn't give out email access to employees per the company policy. Long story short: that means that if someone from his old job wants to send him an email, they have to send it to our family email account. He seemed OK with this - but I felt weird whenever he'd get a personal email. I felt like I was spying on him, or acting like his mother by telling him he had an email. It just felt wrong. I felt like I was treating him like a child and not as an adult. So I decided the time had come to set up an account for him.

I'm worried now that I shouldn't have done it though. Brian hasn't given me reason to think he cannot be trusted since that incident...but am I playing with fire? When I gave it to him, I half expected it to be a big emotional thing. Yet he barely even acknowledged it - which miffed me. The truth is that I am not 100% able to trust him still. One of the reasons I decided to do this was because I found myself getting upset whenever former female co-workers would write to him. He really never mentioned these people in all the time he worked there - yet here they are writing to him! I know I'm being unreasonable though to suspect any wrong-doings, so I think that I'd just rather not know about it than worry for no good reason. Plus it keeps me from being tempted to peek at those emails - which is wrong too. What am I doing? Why do I act like this? The bottom line is that he has a right to privacy, and now he has it. I just hope I don't live to regret it.

We watched "Once" tonight. I was a nice, simple little film filled with good music. Overall I felt it was a sad sort of movie...but I guess it is all in how you look at it. I'm definitely going to get the soundtrack. I'd recommend it. Anyhow - tomorrow the kids go back to class and Brian goes to work. I have things to do, but I feel like it will turn out to be a lazy, feeling sorry for myself kind of day. It's late and I need to go try to sleep.

Side Note: I'm sorry that everyone seems to be so worried about the Love Fish at Cherry Valley Lodge. I honestly thought they would bring a smile to people's faces. The Lodge doesn't point them out, or really even make any mention of them. They are in big tank mixed in with other fish near the pub and we just happened to see them during one of our visits. The employees didn't even really know how they get the writing on them - though "tatoo" is probably the best explanation. However it happens it certainly isn't a natural occurance.

All I can say is that our family just loves seeing them - and I think they are adorable. They seem to have nice lives at the lodge; they are well taken care of , fed regularly and live in a huge tank. People who see them love them. I am against harming animals though - and it wasn't my intention to act carelessly by posting the video.