Closure...

I have a theory that what I really need in my life is closure. The demons that run wild inside me…the ones that keep me up at night going over conversations I had a decade earlier…could be silenced with closure. Take for example the men I had relationships with prior to my husband: there were only really four that shook me to my core (Mark, Ray, Craig & Sergei). I used to think about these guys all the time. What should I have done differently? Why didn’t I say this or that when I had the chance? What would life be like if I (or they) had chosen to stay together? You know what I’m talking about - those pesky after thoughts that come way too late.

Then something amazing happened! One by one, I came into contact with these men years after we parted ways. I heard their voices, read their MySpace page, ran into them in person and most importantly learned what became of them. It was the best elixir for the soul! I’m not going to say that I immediately stopped thinking about them once I had closure – but I certainly stopped having these circular, pointless arguments in my head about them. Actually, I can honestly say I have nothing but positive thoughts about each of them now…able to cherish the time we spent together and not linger on the negatives.

I contacted Mark (my first husband) with Brian’s knowledge and permission. (I wrote about that decision and the reason behind it in a previous blog entry.) At first it was a terrible situation! I became really infatuated with being in touch with him again after all these years. Brian knows that Mark will always have a piece of my heart but I am not in love with him anymore. I care about Mark despite our horrible break-up. Making peace with him and what happened between us was a huge step in my life. I had not spoken or heard from Mark in almost 10 years when I contacted him though. I learned all sorts of things about his life – and saw lots of photos on his MySpace page. He is still with the girl he left me for…but apparently they are separated and headed toward a possible divorce. He joined the service just like he wanted too. His parents had also divorced. He became a Buddhist! We still chit chat by email from time to time – always bringing up the idea of meeting in person when he is in town. A year later it hasn’t happened and it probably won’t. I remember the very last time I saw him. It was a teary, long kiss goodbye type of scene. I said to him, “I know this is the last time I will ever see you.” I was right (so far). A big part of me thinks that it should stay that way. It was a nice good-bye. I don’t regret getting back in touch with him though. It makes me happy to know he is OK and that I can reach him if I really needed too. I also got to say a few things to him that I had long wanted too. It has been a positive experience.

Craig, it turns out, married and is a father as well. I saw him in person – at Target of all places (which is where we worked together when we dated). He is working for an electric/phone company (I can’t remember which) and owns a house in Delaware. What shocked me the most about Craig was that he had obviously carried a torch for me long after we parted ways. I’m not stroking my own ego – I promise. Apparently he even kept tabs on me long after we broke up. It was kind of creepy actually. Truthfully, I never thought he cared that much about me. It was weird to find out otherwise. We tried to email for awhile, but it was obvious he just wanted to get me back in bed and I cut ties with him pretty quickly. He never grew up even though he moved on in life doing adult things. I bet he still owns like 30 black t-shirts. :o)

Getting in touch with Sergei, I realized (finally) that he was never as into me as I was into him – which I knew when we dated, but didn’t want to admit it. He was still playing hockey at the time we spoke on the phone – this time in Alaska. (Later he ended up in Florida teaching hockey at some ice rink.) He got married and was as self-absorbed as ever. A ten minute phone conversation was all it took for me to realize what I mistake I would have made had I actually ended up with him. Good riddance! Have a nice life buddy!

Well, you may have noticed I skipped over Ray. There’s a good reason for that – he is the only one I have not achieved that magical closure moment with. It is long overdue. Last night I had a dream about him (which is not a rare occurrence)…which is what inspired this post. Ray is a long story…but I’ll try to make it simple: He was my boss, he was much older than me, we were both in other serious relationships during our time together and I almost ran off and married him instead of Mark! He all but got down on one knee…but it didn’t happen, because of me. He had two kids and I wanted him to make sure he was really sure that I was what he wanted. I regretted that choice for a long time after things fell apart with Mark and Ray moved away and had another kid with his wife. Yet, it was the right thing to do. I insisted that he owed it to himself and his family to try. (See – the other woman isn’t always a heartless bitch!) It is hard to believe that it was 1992 when all this happened…where does time go?

I always have these wonderful dreams about Ray. He is always there to support me. He is always kind and his hugs and kisses feel as if they could renew life itself. I guess that is how my heart remembers him. I know what I shared above sounds very sorted – but the truth is our romance was very simple and old-fashioned: it was all stolen moments, passing notes, holding hands and kissing under a tree in the park where we ate our lunch and listened to the oldies channel. That’s it! Yet, it was one of the best romances I’ve ever had. I remember how he refused to let go of my hand when he drove us to lunch – even though he had a stick-shift. He would shift gears and steer with one hand so he didn’t have to let go of me. LOL I also remember how I could still smell his cologne (Old Spice) on my hands after spending an hour with him. I still have all his letters (the good & bad) that he wrote me – and they still smell like Old Spice. I think my head/heart treats him like that one great boyfriend you had in high school and never really got over.

What I want is to know what became of him after he moved to Illinois. I want to hear his voice and know if he thinks that he made the right choice those many years ago…or does he regret me? Does he even think of me after all this time? Would he even know who I was?! Mainly I just want to talk to him…to know he is OK. Like I said, he was much older than me – so maybe if I saw him now, that would alter my idea of him to what the reality is. Still, every time I hear our song, “Hold Me…Thrill Me…Kiss Me” (which he picked), I wonder what he is doing. I also wonder if he is thinking of me at that moment. There is a line in the song which goes, “Kiss me…kiss me, and when you do I’ll know that you will miss me if we ever say adieu.” I wonder if that is true. I suppose some would say all this is pointless. I mean, I’m not interested in running off with him now – so why dig up the past? I guess my heart (and perhaps my ego) just needs it. I have tried to find him online but with no luck. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that closure with him…but I want it. I want to be able to file him away like the others.

Now if I could just figure out a way to get closure with all my past employers which wronged me! That would be a real break-through moment…ideas/suggestions?