70 / 30...

Perhaps it was inevitable, but after so much soul-searching, I find myself angry. For the better part of the last two days, I have thought about my relationship with Mark and the new information I gained from our dinner on Saturday. During our conversation, I remember him saying that our relationship was "70% good-times/30% bad." I agreed. He then added, "Unfortunately, the 30% is what everyone seems to remember." Then I said for no apparent reason, "I don't. I try to just remember the good parts." I realized today how true that is.

After I decided to forgive Mark and let my anger go, I have always looked back on our time with rose-colored glasses. I remember (perhaps the better word would be 'romanticize") the good parts...and quickly turn away any nagging reminders of how bad it was at the end. But here in the cold-light of day - the bad times are what I am focusing on today. I remember just how badly things were at the end...and I also remember that I cannot recall him ever apologizing for his appalling behavior. I, on the other-hand, have apologized...more than once.

Am I just the world's biggest fool? Am I so spellbound by this man that I have no self respect? I feel like that is true and that is just wrong. I feel like I'm chasing him - just begging for a scrap of his attention. I'm pathetic.

I deserve an apology...
* For his infidelities - he cheated on me at least three times that I know of.
* For his emotional abuse - he served me with divorce papers at work to humiliate me, he left me in the middle of the night and called me at work to tell me he was on a bus to Texas, he actually jumped for joy when I told him I wasn't pregnant (which meant he could stay with his girlfriend and not be 'stuck' with me), he had me followed at work so I wouldn't bother his new girlfriend who also worked with us.
*For his physical abuse
*For his cruelty - see above...but also add trashing our apartment before he left, leaving his wedding ring on our dresser, bringing his girlfriend into our home when we were separated despite my pleas that he respect me enough not too, cranking up the heat before he left the apartment to raise the utility bills and for acting like he might actually come back to me repeatedly.
*For ruining my credit - while he enjoys a financially sound life, my credit was ruined by our divorce because I was the person named on all the bills he left behind. He left me with unpaid rent and utilities. To this day I cannot buy a car without a co-signer...but he has three cars!

Today I remember and acknowledge that 30% was real. It happened and it was very hurtful.

I want to remain friends with him...but how can I and still hold even a shred of self-respect?

I deserve a real apology...not just "regrets."

If he loved me at all, he would offer one.