Saga...the wait is over

I’m listening to what is probably one of my all-time favorite Beatles albums, Rubber Soul. My Dad had it on eight-track and I remember listening to that and the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever over and over in our car as a child. I remember that I played Rubber Soul so often that the photo on the case was worn and rubbed mostly away. Even now it conjures up the ghosts of my life as a child in Florida: Flip flops were my only shoes, the sand from our daily visits to the beach took up permanent residence on the floor boards of our car and the smell of salt water rushed into the back seat as I my little hand “flew” like an airplane in graceful up and down arcs out the car window.

Sitting here now as an adult, very far from those happy memories of my childhood, one of the songs (“I’m Looking Through You.”) seemed to capture the very essence of where we are approaching in my little saga…

“I’m looking through you; where did you go?
I thought I knew you; what did I know?
You don’t look different; but you have changed.
I’m looking through you; you’re not the same.”

“Why? Tell me! Why did you not treat me right?
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight.”

Those words magically capture how I was beginning to feel as the years began to pass by. On the outside, I guess we looked the same – but something was changing. Maybe it was her, it might have been me; regardless, our relationship was shifting into something new and different. At first I thought it was something better, something good. I was wrong but I just couldn’t see it yet.

When Barb moved to Texas, she found herself a job off the ranch. She was working for a little retail hardware shop in their tiny town. She needed the money and I was happy she was finding a life of some sort away from her family. That is where she met Charles. At first, I was thrilled for her. She made him seem so great and when she started gushing about his ability to make her insides turn to jelly, I thought she might finally have a chance to get away from her sister. I was right. It didn’t take too long before they were dating and that turned into more. She moved in with him and his family on their farm. Soon she stopped working in town and started working with Charles with his business as an independent contractor. I guess you can see where this is going…she traded in her chains at her family’s farm for a new set at Charles’s place.

Slowly I began to learn that Charles was not the perfect guy I was led to believe he was. He had not one but two children from two different women. He had custody of one and partial custody of another. So while Charles was away working, Barb often played Mommy to a very unhappy child. Sometimes when his other child was visiting he would take off to the bar and leave Barb with both kids. Charles’s business was struggling and soon Barb had her own money in it…a lot of it. No amount of straight talk could convince Barb that this guy was very bad news. She was hooked – I’m not sure if it was that she was in love with him or if she had convinced herself that she had no alternative but stay with him, regardless she was not going anywhere. (Wow…that is such a true statement! She really wasn’t going anywhere – not with her own life, her own goals and passions. It was Barb being Barb once again…making terrible decisions and not being strong enough to walk away.)

Another thing about Charles was quickly evident – he was a very jealous person who liked his beer. It didn’t take much time at all for him to resent the time she spent writing to me or gaming with me. He started reading her private mail from me and going into rages every time we were supposed to play. If she called me, he was always in the background making loud comments. Our hate of each other was mutual.

In 2000, Brian and I welcomed a son into our lives. Brandon would be our last, and I fully expected Barb to come visit our new bundle of joy. She never did. I cannot express how hurt I was over this slight. I thought of her as half of me and to think that she never even met my son is just unthinkable. It made me start to doubt the bond we had. For the first time, I realized that I could never leave my daughter (and now son) in her care if something had happened to Brian and me – at least not if she was going to stay with Charles. Things were slowly falling apart between us. It was like a little piece of hanging thread which ultimately unravels your favorite sweater.

We started arguing about everything, especially her choice to stay in a rotten relationship even though she admitted that she was very unhappy. At one point she called me so we could plan a way for her to leave Charles…I promised to drive all the way to Texas and make sure he didn’t stop her. I opened up my home to her. Just as quickly she suddenly decided she wasn’t leaving. I felt like I was a yo-yo. I hated her being there, knowing the bad situation she was in everyday, and I hated even more that she would rather be there than with us here. I was exhausted dealing with her trials and daily disappointments. I had my own problems, but I seemed more wrapped up in solving hers. I spent every moment trying to make her happier. I’d send her care packages and long emails. I can honestly say that her life and happiness was more important to me at that point than mine.

The stress eventually rolled into our gaming. Up until this point, we had been happily gaming on a regular basis. Charles’s annoyance over time spent with me gaming became a serious issue. Barb would abruptly cancel our plans at the last minute. She would promise to write and then not send me an email for two weeks. I was furious. Gaming was my only outlet. It was as necessary to me as eating. I needed those breaks and I was dependent on a very undependable person for it. We argued about that too.

Our real life resentments started to show up in our game…our characters were snippy and uncharacteristically hostile toward one another. It was about this time that I decided that Martin would break off the seemingly endless relationship-that-never-was-a-relationship with his ‘soul mate’ Kali. Did I do it to hurt Barb? I wish I could say without a doubt no – but if I’m being honest then maybe I did do it out of anger. I had wanted to take the game in a new direction and I knew that would include Martin breaking out of his rut with Kali. We had a happy coupling in our game with “sub-characters” Raven & Simon…and it made me realize how unhappy Martin was. It was time for him to move on. I admit that the timing could have been better…but I went forward with it.

Barb created a new sub-character, Ben, around the same time as I began to lay the groundwork for Martin’s exit from Kali’s death grip. I was smitten with Ben’s addition. He was so different than anything Barb had ever played. Unlike innocent Kali and naïve good-hearted Simon; Ben was a player! He had women draped over him like James Bond. He was all instinct and basic urges. Finally, Martin had someone interesting to play with! We had lots of fun with these two and our game seemed to be going back to a good place for both of us.

It may be hard to believe, but Ben and Martin’s friendship entering our game became the “straw that broke the camel’s back”. It is because of this that I have spoken so much about the game we played. I wanted you to get to know it and us and how it was the thread that kept us together for so long. I still don’t expect you to fully understand and I’m sure it will seem childish and far-fetched once all explained…but the game which brought us together eventually tore us into irreparable shreds.