A Very Bad Idea...

What I'm about to write should be filed under "need to think out loud"...

I'm sure I have mentioned this somewhere previously in my blog, but I was once married briefly before my current marriage. Mark and I were high school sweethearts - in fact, he was my first real boyfriend, my first kiss - well, my first everything. We began dating the summer before my junior year in high school. He was beautiful, popular and everything I wasn't. I was determined to keep him in my life. Hell, he was my life. Despite many rocky patches - a year after I graduated from high school, we moved from his hometown in Texas where my family had been stationed to my hometown in Ohio.

Once in Ohio, we moved in together and got real jobs. We thought we were so grown up. A couple of years went by and we reached a point in our relationship where we decided to get married. It was one of those - either we break-up or move up to the next step (which in our case was marriage) things. Dear readers - if you ever find yourself in this place in your relationship...break up. If it is really going to work, and you are meant to remain in a relationship, then the "break up" option won't even enter your mind. Please, trust me on this. Nevertheless, we didn't. Our pastor even told us that she didn't think we should get married - but of course we didn't listen. The wedding day was just a couple weeks away...it was all planned, so how could we just cancel on the advice of a person who had sat with us just a few times? We didn't listen...LISTEN, dear reader, if this ever happens to you.

Within six months after exchanging vows, we were separated. I caught him cheating with a girl who worked with us. It wasn't the first time he had cheated on me. Worst yet, he was beating me up. I was not so innocent though - I would hit him back too. We were an immature mess. Still, I loved him in that psycho 'can't live without this misery' way, so I fought him for nearly a year before I finally gave him his divorce. It was a painful, miserable, humbling experience. I walked away broken and scared.

It took a year or so, but I finally grew up for real. I owned up to all the things I had done wrong in our relationship and I was finally able to forgive him for all he did too. We eventually became semi-'friends' again before he finally joined the military and left my life for good. That was over ten years ago.

When my new husband and I moved into this place, I wanted to get rid of a bunch of things instead of moving them once more. I came across some things that Mark left behind, but I had been unable to throw out. This time I was determined to throw it out...but then I came across a porcelain figurine that Mark's deceased grandfather had given him. It was a sentimental keepsake that he had forgotten when he moved out of our place in a hurry. I still didn't feel right just tossing it, so I decided to send it to him. I took a chance and mailed it to his mother's house - hoping she still lived there. I enclosed a note in it and asked him to let me know if he received it. I told my current husband all of this and mailed it with a clear conscious. I didn't know what would happen, but hoped he would eventually receive it. I tossed the rest of his stuff.

Well, he did and he did write me back. Turns out he is still married to the girl he cheated on me with. He is also currently living in Upper Arlington, where her mother lives. He had left the military but was still enlisted through the National Guard. I had been worried about him a great deal ever since the Iraq war began. I would look for his name compulsively in the paper when they would list the war deaths. So, to know he was here and OK was a relief. I was a bit obsessed with the fact that he lived a mere 15 miles from my house though. Would I see him? Would he want to see me? For the first time in a decade I actually thought about him as real instead of in the abstract. It was a bit freaky to be honest. So, we wrote (email) back and forth a few times to catch up - but then we just stopped writing and eventually I stopped wondering about him and his close proximity.

Then about a month ago, I wrote him an email because I was wondering if he would be called up to Iraq again due to the troop surge. He told me that he was being sent out again in August - this time in Afghanistan. Of course this was alarming news. Why I care at all is not clear to me - but I do and I don't want him to get blown up. Well this one simple email has led us to write to one another again. Sometimes we talk about the past, but mainly it is just stupid stuff. He told me I could stay in touch with him (if I wanted too) while he was in the Middle East through his myspace page.

And so that leads me to this blog post...I visited his myspace page and of course there were photos posted there. I must admit, he has put on some weight in the past decade and I don't find him as attractive as I used too. He doesn't look like "my" Mark anymore...I guess that is because he isn't. But now I find myself going back to his page all the time! I've been writing him and looking forward to his emails. This is all bad news - right?! I tell myself it is because I am feeling lonely these days - the only emails I get are about my group or other impersonal things like ads and newsletters. Ever since I stopped writing to Barb, I don't have "real mail" waiting for me and I miss that. Still, this isn't the right place to find my solution. I'm a smart girl - so why am I putting myself into this bad place? That isn't the worst of it though - he mentioned in an email about wishing we could go see a baseball game together like the old days and wondering how he would feel if he saw me again. I've wondered about that too and so I suggested that we see each other. He hasn't replied to that idea...and now I keep checking my email hoping that he has written.

I'm not interested in a relationship with him outside of a distant but with current knowledge of him, yet then I went and sent him that email. Stupid. I am not in love with him anymore. I am not interested in him like that - but I guess I'm still susceptible to the old allure of "us". The very worst part is that I haven't told Brian that I have been in touch with Mark again. Yes, dear readers, I can hear all the warning sirens blasting; so why do I continue to ignore them?

Honestly, I want to see him. I don't know why. I am a big believer in closure...and I thought I had it with him. Maybe I was wrong. What if something happens to him in Afghanistan though and I didn't take this opportunity? Argh! I wish I never opened this can of worms, but now that I have, I can't seem to get them all back inside. Don't you wish that you could just visit a doctor and have certain memories erased from your mind - a la "Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? I do. It would be very beneficial to a person like me.

Well, I don't know what I'm even thinking here...I just needed to write it all out. Thanks for listening.