Do not collect $200...

As long as I’ve lived in Ohio, you’d think I’d be used to its wacky weather. Yet, I cannot believe that I just spent the last 40 minutes outside raking leaves in a tank top! It’s January people! It is nearly 70 degrees out there. Now, I’m no scientist - and I’m certainly not Al Gore – but what more proof do you need that global warming is real? Well, at least I got outside today and enjoyed it. I also got all those last small piles of fall leaves raked away at last. I even swept the walkways, garage and picked up some random litter. I felt reluctant to come back inside, but I couldn’t really think of anything else to keep me out there and away from my chores inside. Sigh!

So, here we all are – one week into the New Year. How many resolutions have you broken by now? LOL I only had three resolutions this year – have more sex in 2008, finally get my last will & testament made and freaking get an actual life that I don’t mind living in! Lofty goals, no? Well, I’m happy to say the first goal is off to a nice start and I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching on the third. The second requires money and I have none so it will have to wait and stare at me with its beady eyes! (It has a right to be pissy! It has been a New Years resolution for the last 11 years…still it is not done.)

I read an article in a magazine about quitting while you are behind - in order to get ahead. I know that sounds back-assward but it spoke to me. It was about realizing that you might never be “the best’ or that a goal you thought was “the one” which if successful would mean happiness, but instead it might actually be making your life miserable as you try to reach it. They used the example of gamblers – people who loose $50 tell themselves that their bad streak can’t last forever and besides they have to keep playing so they can win it back. But what happens? They end up loosing $200 more trying to win back the $50. Sometimes quitting when you are down is the best course to put you back on the right path. The ideal that you can walk away is not comfortable, but it is a choice. We need to remind ourselves of that. We can admit failure and loose $50 or we can play the fool and loose $250. Is that winning just because you didn’t give up? The article has me thinking about quitting some things in my life which have felt like a dead weight on my shoulders for a long time…I just have to decide how to convince myself it is a choice. That is the hard part.

Money is a huge problem right now – we are so behind that I don’t know how to get back on track. It is a scary thing… I’m so stressed right now. We are past “struggling” and have begun instead to sink. I have no reason to throw blame or anger toward anyone other than myself for this situation. I need to figure out how to make things better. It is so frustrating though. We paid off a huge bill ($330 for gas) and the next month our bill was still like $200! (This includes our regular bill, plus a $19 fee to reconnect the gas and then another $125 as a security deposit.) How in the hell do you ever get caught up? We can’t afford to pay the deposit so now we are behind again… It’s the same with the other bills. One check goes to pay the rent – then we are just chasing our tails paying off minimums to keep the utilities on with the next check. Then it is time to pay rent again. Somewhere in there we also have to squeeze in gas for the car, food and medical bills. We NEVER get caught up. Every check is gone before it hits our account and we struggle to even make it to the next check to start all over. I just want to cry. I can’t even consider bankruptcy because we don’t have that kind of debt. We have neither a credit card nor do we have any debt on a credit card. It is all just bills you have in order to live.

It just feels hopeless.

So there you go dear readers – that is where I am this day: circling the drain! I know “money doesn’t buy happiness” but in my case it could save my sanity. It is outrageous to me that less than $10,000 would totally turn my life around and then I read about some heiress or someone spending that much on a dinner party or for a diamond dog collar! It makes me sick.

I remind myself daily that even this crummy life is better than others have. I try to remain grateful for what I do have…it is just really hard when every day is a constant struggle. It’s hard also when you know that all it would take is one really bad thing to land me in those people’s shoes.

I’m going to end this pity party and remind myself of the happy minutes I spent outside earlier. I’m going to find my silver lining and look on the bright side of life…even if I have to fake!

Be well…