Reality bites...

Well, it took about 4 days for reality to crush me. I woke up from a dead sleep at 6AM Tuesday feeling as if an anvil were crushing my chest. It was my ex-mistress “anxiety” poking her ugly face into the world again. I tried some “meaningful breathing” that I’ve been learning in yoga, got up and got something to drink and tried to trick my body into submission – but in the end I reached for a Xanax.

Brian’s Monday interview did not go nearly as well as we assumed it might. Turns out the guy didn’t even have permission to hire a new full-time person yet! We are still waiting to hear back from him. I think that really deflated our hopes. I could see the disappointment all over Brian’s face when he walked in the door. It was then that I got worried too. This isn’t a bad dream with a quick fix ending…this isn’t some weird long weekend where Brian was going to go back to work the next day. I feel that crushing sensation fill my torso even as I write this.

Having Brian home has been a strain. I’m not used to it; nor is he. Brian is one of those get up early & get to work type of people…whereas I am all about staying up late, rising late and hitting my stride about 1PM. I had a comfortable routine and now that has all gone to shit. That’s not to say it is an entirely bad thing to have my routine shaken up…it is just something I need to get used too. I like having my husband around. I like having someone to talk too and drive around with to get errands run. I like having access to the car again! I just wish it were all under much different circumstances. I can’t believe that just this time last week, we had a positive plan in motion – now I feel like I’m about to drown.

I’ve been going about my days as planned…actually getting more done than anticipated because Brian and the car is here. I’m living life like Brian is on vacation or something. I know that he isn’t, but I’m not yet ready to concede to what I know. I feel a lot of pressure to stop my “planned activities” and do something else…like start a job search of my own! Yet, I am not even ready to start down that path.

Yesterday we spent 3 hours at Children’s Hospital with Brandon. He had his 3 month diabetes check-up. His A1C was 8.9% - which is high. He is supposed to be 5-8. The whole time we were there, I alternately obsessed over how many high glucose days he’s had in the past few months and how our insurance was going to expire in a month. We talked to the nutritionist about adjusting Brandon’s diet. We are switching to a carb to insulin ratio of 12/1 instead of 15/1 too. Hopefully that will help. I’m waiting to hear back from social worker to talk to her about the insurance issue. We only have BCMH (Bureau of Children with Medical Handicaps) state insurance coverage through April. I’ve re-applied but haven’t heard back yet. Now I wonder if I’m going to have to re-reapply because of this situation. Keeping Brandon insured is not an option.

I’m worried about my prescriptions too. I take 3 pills a day. I cannot miss these pills or I go all “Incredible Hulk”. LOL Seriously…you wouldn’t like me without my “crazy” pills. How can afford these?

STRESS!!!!!!

I did see something which I considered hilarious…I was at Krogers and saw a big display in the Easter candy aisle for a new candy bar. I walked over and there was some NASCAR drivers face smiling up at me with “BIG MO'” screaming off its label! OMG! How fucking funny is that?? What kind of agent does this guy have? Hey! Let’s get you your own candy bar and we will call it “BIG MO'”. I’m sure it has something to do with his name or catch phrase, but in print it just ends up looking like he is coming out of the closet in a major way. LMAO! I think I should buy a huge case and pass them out at Pride.

Two other good things happened this week – I finally mailed in the check and paperwork for SpeakOUT’s Articles of Incorporation to the Secretary of State! Yippee! That means we will (hopefully) be all legit very soon. I also stumbled upon a scholarship through Abbot (a drug company) to pay up to $600 for diabetes camp. Brandon wants to go to the overnight 4-day camp this year and it costs $350. Abbot picks 100 campers to help – so keep your fingers crossed that he is one of them.

I’m also happy because Brian and I have been scouring the stores for affordable but nice drinking glasses…well we finally found them at Crate & Barrel. We bought 12 (in 3 styles like juice, tumbler & regular) for under $16. We also went to Wal*mart and bought 3 new mini-blinds to replace the ones we had which the kids had tore up. OK – I know, we shouldn’t be buying anything we don’t really need right now. Yet it made me feel slightly better to do so. Like the world wasn’t going to end if I spent $10 on mini-blinds like we had planned on before the lay off. Please don’t scold me.

I need to get off here…we actually have to run up to Brian’s old work because we have 100s of boxes of Girl Scout cookies sitting in our kitchen which the employees of EMH&T had bought before Brian got laid off. I can’t imagine this is something Brian wants to deal with – so I’m going with him. I hope we can get it done quickly.