The day I almost quit...

(*Image taken from Post Secret)

I saw this on Post Secret and laughed! Oh how I can relate, dude! Today I was almost out of forced civility. I very nearly just packed up my crap and left. I have two people who want me to work on what they want me to work on - and neither seem to care that I actually have things that I am responsible for as well.

I only have 3 hours a day to get them all accomplished too.

For the first time, Sharon raised her voice to me today and barked out an order to get her stuff done like I was her serf. I was literally speechless. Luckily she did it as she rushed out of the office, so I didn't have time to retort. I had a total of 2 minutes to glare a hole in the doorway when Davis rushed in. He wanted updates on the 3 projects he had phoned in 20 minutes earlier. I couldn't find one (turns out the email in his inbox was actually in his cell/text), I had completed another and was working on the third when Sharon had her hissy-fit. I was trying to figure out the history behind the customer's issue and also trying to decipher our billing system - which I don't have a lot of experience with. When I tried to explain this, Davis just clenched his teeth at me and snapped - Oh well! I'll do it myself! As if I were a useless piece of crap. I asserted that I WAS trying to do as he asked, but that I needed to know the history behind the issue before I just blindly picked up the phone to call for billing help. Apparently, at this point no one in our office should "Not Know" how to do something...too bad that I've never been trained on the system in question, used it enough to figure it out myself or even spoke to the customer in question.

The real breaking point though came when he started lecturing me on customer service. ME! I've been the squeaky wheel for weeks now about that very topic. I keep saying that our CS stinks. Davis insists that we tell every one to call the 800 national number. He says that unless we are selling...or doing something to sell...then we are wasting his money. If we do try to help one of our new policy holders and it takes longer than 15 minutes...then we are wasting his money. CS went out the door about mid-November with this guy and he had the nerve to yap his gums at me about it now?!

I swear I just wanted to throw something at this guy's head. Seriously... How can a man with two MBA's be such a terrible businessman?

Instead I let him vent, let him say what he needed to say, and then I proceeded to continue to tell him how I was trying to handle his assignment and get the answer he needed. He let me - and I got the answer. He didn't like the answer - but that is out of my hands. I DID finish more of Sharon's work and even as I sit here venting away on Blogger - I'm working (off the clock) on some of Sharon's things that I can do here so I can be ahead tomorrow when I walk in (just to avoid her crap).

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I bother? It's not like they give a shit about me. I've got one-foot out the door anyway -right? I tell you why...cause I'm not a piece of shit. I do a good job there and I'll be damned to give them even one reason to say otherwise. Stupid assholes.

Ugh! Sorry...

You can't fool your body. You can control your exterior...you know, smile and be pleasant...but your body inside knows the real deal. For the past few days I have been feeling very anxious again. I feel shaky. I feel like my chest has a 50 lb weight on it. I feel like my brain is running on overdrive. I can't fall asleep at night, and I just wake up over and over when I finally do sleep. My dreams are vivid! I always wake up feeling exhausted and nervous. None of these things are good signs...but it is especially bad for me because I have a history of anxiety attacks. I really need to go get my Xanax prescription filled. I hate that too! I have been off that for a long while now. Yet I can't ignore these signs. I can pretend to everyone else...but I can't hide from myself.

Well, I've spread enough sunshine for one night.

Later...