Saga: The end...part one

“Everything you think you know Baby is wrong.
Everything you think you had Baby is gone.”

~ “It’s All Over but the Crying” by Garbage

It wasn’t long before our gaming once again faced the ire of Charles. Barb started canceling games again without warning or excuse and my inbox sat empty for days on end. Back when we had been setting up the groundwork for Simon and Raven’s budding love affair, it had been Barb who couldn’t game enough. She was completely wrapped up in the magical, romantic fantasy that was Simon and Raven. I liked their storyline too, but S&R were always Barb’s ‘baby’. Still, I indulged her need to escape – sometimes beyond reason. I’d stay up until 3AM on a work night to IM a game with her. I’d spend time creating stories for her when I should have been doing a mountain of housework. I bought her little trinkets that would remind her of the S&R romance when I had no business spending money on anything unnecessary. Once I even kept my promise to game even though I was throwing up and had a fever because I didn’t want to disappoint her. I rationalized these things by telling myself that they were important because in the end my actions would bring her happiness. (Like I said many posts ago…sometimes living in your own little world can be just as dangerous an addiction as doing crack. When you are in the thick of it, you cannot be rational. It becomes very real to you.)

So here we were again, but this time the shoe was on my foot. I was fascinated by Martin and Ben’s relationship, but Barb did not return the favor of providing me with my “game fix” as I had for her. Instead she started to openly complain that I was asking too much of her to write as often or game longer than we might have normally. When she would send me game related emails, it was always about the other storylines and never the promised scenes involving Ben and Martin. It was terribly frustrating and we started arguing about it a lot.

One day Barb sent me a particularly nasty email listing all the things she was ‘giving up in her life’ to spend time writing to me: she could be painting or working on her website, she could be riding her horses, she could be out drinking with Charles, or she could just be outside enjoying the weather. I was furious. What about all the things I was giving up? I was the one with a husband, two kids, a full time job and other responsibilities. Besides, I wasn’t asking her to do anything I hadn’t done for her. At that, Barb reminded me that she had never asked me to do all those things for her (as if that were a good enough excuse for her to bail on me now). All I know is whether she asked or not, it sure as hell never stopped her from accepting them.

It became crystal clear that while I had made Barb a top priority in my life, I had become just another chore to her. She told me that once we both needed the same things, and for awhile we were able to help each other, but now she wasn’t in that place anymore. Apparently it was to be all about Barb from now on. It didn’t matter how I felt or what I wanted. If I didn’t like something and said so, she would freeze me out and not write to me. It was basically her way or no way. I resented that deeply.

I could be avoided by simply not turning on the computer, so it was easy for her to dump on me whenever she felt like it. Of course, she didn’t dare treat the other people in her day-to-day life so poorly because then she would have to do it to their faces. It was easy to dismiss me though– I was just an email waiting to be opened, or a friend icon in her IM box. I had ceased to be flesh and blood to her. She told me that she had to start telling people no in her life – guess who would be the first one? I was stunned! I had done everything in my power to be there for her regardless of the cost in my own life, and I couldn’t believe that she didn’t feel a similar responsibility to give back to me in the same way. I felt used by her. At one point she demanded to know what had happened to my unconditional love for her. Unconditional love - when had I ever offered that? I explained that to have a friend, you must be a friend. I expected to be treated at least as well as I treated her. Nothing is free…nothing.

We fought more than gamed in those bitter weeks, but at least we were talking. I knew that something had to be behind her sudden attitude change…that something was most likely Charles. I tried to get her to open up to me but it only led to more silence and unanswered questions. Then without warning she sent me this flowery, poetic bullshit good-bye letter. It was all about her being a tree and how she had to take up her roots and leave the field we were in – for now. She said maybe one day her seed would float into another field and a new tree would grow. Perhaps we could be together then. I’m serious…that is what it said.

What the fuck kind of letter is that?! How do you even begin to respond to that kind of letter? I suppose it was her intention to be kind with her dreamy words and imagery – but instead it was just cruel. With a click of a mouse, she just tossed our nearly decade long friendship into the trash and she didn’t even have the guts to give me a reason. Hell, she didn’t even have the decency and courage to do it ‘in person’ over the phone! What about the letter she sent me when she first moved to Utah? What about her promises to always be there? It had all been a lie.

Pure, indignant rage filled my entire being - but it didn’t stay around for long. It was quickly replaced by an anguish I had never felt before. This was a pain worst than loosing my first husband to another woman. I stayed in my bed crying for days afterward. I didn’t want to eat…and I had to force myself to even get up and go to work. I walked around in a daze. It felt like a huge weight was resting upon my chest. It was so bad that at times I could barely breathe. I thought I might actually die from my broken heart. I know that Brian should have been the person I relied upon for my happiness and well-being, but he wasn’t. That person had been Barb and with her gone I was drowning. It was clear from this pain that I had loved her (maybe even been ‘in love’ with her) and for some reason she did not return that love to me. That was very hard to accept. Yet I had no choice but to accept it…Barb had left me no other alternative or answers. I didn’t know it then, but those dark days were just the beginning of a very long spiral into a depression that I still live with to this day.

"You left me here with all the blame, but tell me why I don’t feel the same.”
~ “Why (Pt. 2)” by Collective Soul