I came here seeking clarity...
Last week was dreadful. I was in such a low pit of depression that I could barely drag my sorry ass out of bed. I can’t remember a time in the recent past that I have felt that down. (Imagine if I were not already on meds!) I could not muster an ounce of self-confidence or even self-respect…which isn’t so great when you are supposed to be out there looking for a job, or at the very least updating your resume.
Friday brought a brief happy moment. I finally made it out to meet my friend Regina and her new (if you can call a 10 month old new) baby, Xander. He was more adorable in person than in all those photos she had emailed me. A mop of curly blond locks and eyes so blue that it looked like God snatched a piece of the sky for them. He was a real charmer and I delighted in being able to hold him – twice! Surprisingly, I did not feel the pang of baby lust. I was just happy to be the friend of the mother. It was good to spend time with Regina too. I was afraid it might be awkward since it had been a long time since we had seen one another – but it felt normal and like always, at least to me.
Unfortunately as soon I left them, I got hit with a crushing wave depression again. It was all I could do not to burst into tears all the way home. In my muddled dark thoughts I was idealizing my friend’s good fortunes. She had a new car, a beautiful new son, a nice house to drive home too and a happy marriage. She knew where she would be for the next 4-5 years…and it was a happy choice. I was full of envy. Of course, I know my friend’s life is not so clean-cut and that she has her own problems like everyone else…but I couldn’t set aside my twisted thoughts in favor of reality.
I spent the whole weekend cleaning my house. Brian and I took on long ignored projects like cleaning out my son’s jammed-packed closet. Surprisingly it was the very ticket I needed to sort out my thoughts too. As we cleaned and sorted, we actually spent some time together and talked. It was a nice bonus.
This week has been much better. I actually did update my resume on Monday. While doing so, I was surprised to learn that my most recent previous employer NIBCO had gone out of business! (Well, the location I worked at is no longer in business I should say…the company still exists.) I shouldn’t admit this but I was happy. Screw them! That place was just awful to its employees. I guess karma got them in the end though. I also had to call the boss who I worked for previous to NIBCO, to get his updated information for my references. I worked for Mike at Wasserstrom and he was just the best person. I really miss seeing him every day. He was such a great friend and mentor. We chatted for almost 30 minutes and that really lifted my spirits.
I’m proud to say that I even managed to send my resume out for a couple of positions…one of which contacted me the very next day! I had fill out a questionnaire – which I did – and now I’m waiting to see what happens next. It may not be the job I end up at, but it felt good to get some sort of reply. It made me feel less like a loser and I finally felt like I had tossed that monkey of my back. I’m now in the groove of looking for a job without all the self-doubt of the week before.
One good thing did come out of all my job-hunting procrastinating last week…I worked on a lot of things for SpeakOUT. I sent out the update, planned our September meeting and sent out a press release too. I crafted a post-card to send to our members regarding the meeting and got those mailed out as well. I even managed to write and send in my latest opinion piece for Outlook Weekly. It was nice to feel like I was accomplishing something in the face of all that negativity.
I also made my decision – you know, the decision! I’m giving my notice. I will serve out the remainder of 2008 as the Director of SpeakOUT, but as of January 1st it is someone else’s responsibility. If that date comes, and there is no one to fill in my place, that is too bad and SpeakOUT will no longer have meetings (or perhaps even a group). I have given it 110% and 5 years of my life…that’s enough. I’m still planning on staying on as President of the Board though. To prove that I’m serious, I even crafted a press release for the position and SENT IT! So there!!
Well, I need to get going. I just wanted to post something so you would know that I am still out here. With any luck, I hope to have more good news to pass along to you soon.
Friday brought a brief happy moment. I finally made it out to meet my friend Regina and her new (if you can call a 10 month old new) baby, Xander. He was more adorable in person than in all those photos she had emailed me. A mop of curly blond locks and eyes so blue that it looked like God snatched a piece of the sky for them. He was a real charmer and I delighted in being able to hold him – twice! Surprisingly, I did not feel the pang of baby lust. I was just happy to be the friend of the mother. It was good to spend time with Regina too. I was afraid it might be awkward since it had been a long time since we had seen one another – but it felt normal and like always, at least to me.
Unfortunately as soon I left them, I got hit with a crushing wave depression again. It was all I could do not to burst into tears all the way home. In my muddled dark thoughts I was idealizing my friend’s good fortunes. She had a new car, a beautiful new son, a nice house to drive home too and a happy marriage. She knew where she would be for the next 4-5 years…and it was a happy choice. I was full of envy. Of course, I know my friend’s life is not so clean-cut and that she has her own problems like everyone else…but I couldn’t set aside my twisted thoughts in favor of reality.
I spent the whole weekend cleaning my house. Brian and I took on long ignored projects like cleaning out my son’s jammed-packed closet. Surprisingly it was the very ticket I needed to sort out my thoughts too. As we cleaned and sorted, we actually spent some time together and talked. It was a nice bonus.
This week has been much better. I actually did update my resume on Monday. While doing so, I was surprised to learn that my most recent previous employer NIBCO had gone out of business! (Well, the location I worked at is no longer in business I should say…the company still exists.) I shouldn’t admit this but I was happy. Screw them! That place was just awful to its employees. I guess karma got them in the end though. I also had to call the boss who I worked for previous to NIBCO, to get his updated information for my references. I worked for Mike at Wasserstrom and he was just the best person. I really miss seeing him every day. He was such a great friend and mentor. We chatted for almost 30 minutes and that really lifted my spirits.
I’m proud to say that I even managed to send my resume out for a couple of positions…one of which contacted me the very next day! I had fill out a questionnaire – which I did – and now I’m waiting to see what happens next. It may not be the job I end up at, but it felt good to get some sort of reply. It made me feel less like a loser and I finally felt like I had tossed that monkey of my back. I’m now in the groove of looking for a job without all the self-doubt of the week before.
One good thing did come out of all my job-hunting procrastinating last week…I worked on a lot of things for SpeakOUT. I sent out the update, planned our September meeting and sent out a press release too. I crafted a post-card to send to our members regarding the meeting and got those mailed out as well. I even managed to write and send in my latest opinion piece for Outlook Weekly. It was nice to feel like I was accomplishing something in the face of all that negativity.
I also made my decision – you know, the decision! I’m giving my notice. I will serve out the remainder of 2008 as the Director of SpeakOUT, but as of January 1st it is someone else’s responsibility. If that date comes, and there is no one to fill in my place, that is too bad and SpeakOUT will no longer have meetings (or perhaps even a group). I have given it 110% and 5 years of my life…that’s enough. I’m still planning on staying on as President of the Board though. To prove that I’m serious, I even crafted a press release for the position and SENT IT! So there!!
Well, I need to get going. I just wanted to post something so you would know that I am still out here. With any luck, I hope to have more good news to pass along to you soon.
posted by Rainbow Ally @ 2:26 PM
2 Comments
2 Comments:
Sounds like you are off to a good start in your job hunt! You can do it!
Our power is finally back! Hurray! Count your lucky stars you dodged the bullet. What a hassle! Especially with a sick baby. Blech.
It felt normal and like always to me too! I really enjoyed our afternoon together. And so did Xander. You know, he turned on all his best charm for you. LOL
I'm sorry you felt sad on the way home. Try to always remember that no one's life is perfect. They may not have the same stresses and worries as you, but they have them. And that means everyone. I'm glad you're feeling better now though and I'm especially glad to read you got your job search kickstarted. I know it was hard to get it going, but I'm sure now it will just snowball into something good. I'm sending good job hunt vibes your way! Keep us updated!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home