Saga...the next chapter

“I wish I could sleep,
But I can’t lie on my back
Because there is a knife
For everyday that I’ve known you…

So just remember…
When you think you’re free…
The crack inside your fucking heart - - is me.”
~ Marilyn Manson

You know, dear reader, talking about the past and the good memories I once held for Barb almost made me miss her. I was looking back at her with rose colored glasses. I was lost in a past life long gone. Luckily, we got to the part where she screwed me over and then I remembered very vividly all the pain she brought to my life too. I had to take a break though from writing about those very dark days. It was actually bringing me down – even now, years later. I shouldn’t be surprised by this considering what I’m writing about is the main reason I had to start taking anti-depressants. Still, I thought maybe I could write about it and not let it affect me. Silly girl!

So at this point in my story, Barb has taken flight from my life…leaving only the words of some sappy poetic narrative for me to try to figure out where it all went wrong. For at least two weeks after I received her email, I was a mess. I went from anger to crippling despair and back. I wasted away in my bed and cried. I was lost. I couldn’t stand to be online, knowing that I had no mail waiting for me. I just shut down inside.

Of course I had other friends, but none that I felt could fill the Grand Canyon-sized void created by Barb’s departure. I didn’t have the same connection with my other friends as I did with her. I felt stuck in my role as the person they came to when they were unhappy; I was supposed to be the problem solver – not the other way around. None of them knew me like her and I felt unable to come to them to cry (literally) on their shoulder. I vented, of course, and they tried to make me happier, but I was a cold, dark void inside.

I started to refer to the end of our friendship as Barb and I “breaking up”. I didn’t know a better term to describe it. We had been so deeply a part of each other’s lives for such a long time and it was the only word that seemed adequate. Looking back on this now, I don’t know what I had hoped to have. Although I wasn’t sexually interested in Barb, I did feel like our relationship was much more than a friendship. Perhaps these intense feelings could be linked to our relationship in the game. Martin and Kali were real parts of our being (at least to us) and that created an unusual closeness between us. I honestly felt like (in some way) Barb was “mine.” Obviously, I could not have both my life with Brian and a life with her (although we joked about that between the three of us) – but I was selfish and unwilling to give up either. So what does all this mean? Does it mean I’m some deep closeted lesbian? I don’t think so. The only thing I know for sure is that Barb was neither strong enough to admit her own feelings and she was not brave enough to stay.

After a few months of stewing over the mess my life had become, I did start to accept my new life. I was still very unhappy but at least I was functioning again. I was dealt with another unexpected blow however. I found out that Barb had been writing and phoning my father the entire time I had been going through this hell. I had written long emails to my father about the pain I was going through and had trusted him with very private feelings. To find out that he had been telling Barb about me and sending her pictures of my kids the entire time was like being slapped in the face. I was furious! It was totally unfair.

I had to learn how to live my life without her without a crutch – one moment she was there and then she was gone. She had no such issues because my own father was telling her all about me and my family. It was like a “Fatal Attraction” moment! Who stays in touch with the family of the person you just crushed under your heel? I admit that there were extended circumstances – she considered him a friend and knew him slightly longer than me – but at the end of the day he was my father! I felt totally betrayed by both of them. In the end, I sent her a nasty letter telling her to get out of my life totally. I also asked my father not to talk to her about me and my family – but as it turns out neither abided by my wishes. What a big surprise <please note sarcasm>.

During this time, I was not only trying to cope with the loss of my “sister” but also the loss of my game. I had been entirely dependent on Barb to be able to game and with her gone so was my safety net. Without Barb I could not simply slip into that other world and forget about my own troubles. It was nearly a fatal blow. I could no longer depend on the ever present strength of “Martin” inside of me. Without a way to game, he had no “life” being fed into him. Martin had been my source of inner strength for almost 10 years and I didn’t know how to deal with loosing that piece of me. I tried talking about this with Brian, because he knew how real Martin was to me, but what in the hell can a person really say about a situation like this? Sorry your imaginary inner strength/spirit is slipping away? Hallmark doesn’t make a card for that one - yet. I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it without fear I’d be thrown into a loony bin. The hurt was real to me though and it made life even more unbearable than I thought possible.

Ironically, I found it impossible to even look at anything related to our game. It made me terribly depressed. It wasn’t until about 3 or 4 months later that I started to read old stories and IM sessions from the game. It became like a lifeline to me. I must have read those stories a hundred times. Around the 6 month mark I actually began writing new ones. Of course they lacked the interaction of another person, but it was a major achievement and it did help me start to move past the pain and hurt. For the record I did try to game with other people, but it just wasn’t the same thing. For one thing, I couldn’t play MY game, with my characters and stories. Also, few people were interested in playing Werewolf at that time. Still, it was yet another baby step to getting better.

9 months after our “break up”, I was finally able to stop hating Barb. I hadn’t forgiven her – but I was too tired to be a pit of rage a moment longer. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to stay angry and I was tired of wasting my time. I still hurt but I finally just let it be. I was a different person now. I didn’t handle conflict well and I was anxious most all the time. I was most certainly a weaker version of the girl I once was. I finally let my doctor talk me into taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicines. It was the first steps into a new me.

But that is a story for next time…

Finally - a break from the usual...

It’s been an unusual week. Brian got a nice surprise at work last week when he was given a pair of tickets to the Blue Jacket game for Friday. We hadn’t been to a game in almost two seasons. It’s not that we wouldn’t like to go, but it is just too out of our budget to even consider. Also, all our “connections” for free tickets dried up. So we eagerly accepted them and miraculously I found a sitter at the last minute. We had a good time and the Jackets beat the much better San Jose Sharks in a shut out 3-0. It was cool to see a team that we don’t often get to see, and a nice surprise to see the slumping Jackets win.

Another big surprise was that we got both our tax refunds Friday too! Ah sweet money! It is such a rare thing in my life to see 4 digits to the left of the decimal point in my bank ledger. I just like to open my check book sometimes and look at it. :o) Of course it won’t stay that way forever. In fact, I spent most of my day today paying off our bills. I hated to subtract all that money, but it is a nice feeling to know we are finally free of collection calls and disconnection notices. For a few short months we will be able to breathe a bit easier.

We celebrated by taking the kids to lunch and then we all went swimming at the indoor pool in Dublin. Brandon finally felt brave enough to try out the big slide…and I finally felt brave enough to let him. He did fine and didn’t freak out at the bottom where there is a pretty strong current. After the first time he was hooked and probably went down the slide about 15 more times before we left. LOL It was a big weekend for him. He mastered the big slide and lost another tooth (which he swallowed!). The tooth fairy still paid him a visit though.

Thanks to a President’s Day sell, my headache over the kids sharing our second TV is finally over. We bought a 13” color TV for $35 at HH Gregg! I never have to listen to another screaming fit about whose turn it is to have the TV in their room again! :o) Brian even remembered that we had an old but still working VCR in the basement, so both kids have the same things. It’s probably the best $35 we ever spent.

My Dad sent the kids some money for Valentine’s Day and even spoke to them on the phone. It was a miracle! Dad hadn’t seen or spoken to them since Christmas. I was happy for the kids. They were happy about the cash. :o)

I also received some much unexpected good news. I have been offered a contract by Equality Ohio to make all the legislative appointments for their annual Lobby Day in May. I did this for free last year…but this year I asked them to consider some sort of small reimbursement for my time (which is substantial) working on this project. They actually agreed! I was impressed by their offer and it even comes with a bonus if I can get every senator and congressperson to agree to meet on lobby day. I only missed getting 100% last year by 5 people. I’ll go down there in person if I have too this year. (It’s a nice sized bonus!) So yea for me! I feel this is a great opportunity to get my foot in the door there. For the time being though, I feel so happy and confident about myself. I’m glad I stood up for myself and asked for what was fair – thanks go out to Jess for the pep talk!

I think the best surprise of the week though was when I woke up on Sunday morning; my husband was actually in a good mood! He was lovey-dovey and sweet toward me all day. I don’t know if the stress from being dirt poor had lifted off his shoulders or what. I didn’t really care why – I just enjoyed it.

The only bad news this week is about that impending court case I have hanging over me regarding the collection agency who is asking me to pay for a debt that isn’t mine. No – that hasn’t gone away. I contacted a lawyer friend of mine who gave me some advice and helped me craft a letter to the agency’s lawyer. Well, I sent it out a few weeks back and never heard from them. I honestly started to feel hopeful that they were going to leave me alone. Yesterday however my daughter found a business card in our front screen door from a deputy who is employed by the Sheriff’s office (civil division). Since our family is of the law abiding nature, the only thing I can think is he was here to serve me papers for the court hearing. My stomach ties itself in a knot every time I think about this situation. I guess I’ll just have to deal with whatever comes. I was just having such a good week that I should have known that something bad was coming along too.

Well, I’m off to my daughter’s school. She and her classmates made mini I-Movies about the famous Ohioans they did a report about and tonight is the grand premiere. Ah to be in fourth grade again.

A new “saga” entry will be uploaded by the weekend.
Take care all!

The over-hyped independent film I watched this week so you wouldn’t have to waste an hour and a half your life, like I did: “Friends with Money” This film is packed with big names – like Jennifer Aniston - but don’t be fooled; it is a depressing and uninspired waste of time. Boo hoo! Everyone in our life has lots of money (and we have to decide how to spend it all)…but of course there is one single, pot-smoking friend who is working as a maid just to get by. The film seriously has no point. I felt zero empathy for any of the characters except for maybe the put upon (maybe gay) husband of a complete bitch who has decided not to wash her hair anymore, because what’s the point since it will be dirty again tomorrow. The only laugh out loud funny and “real” moment in the film comes when Aniston’s character (the poor girl) goes to about 10 different Lacome cosmetic counters to get the free sample of their face cream because she can’t afford to pay $75 for a real jar of the stuff. Done that – been there! The film ends very suddenly – but not quick enough if you ask me. If you want to watch a movie about a bunch of whining, aging Baby Boomers with issues, just rent The Big Chill – you’ll thank me later.

The TV mini-series you should be watching: “The State Within” which is airing on BBC America. They already showed the first two-parts of this stylish, James Bond-worthy series about a British Ambassador (Jason Isaacs) in America who is caught up in a power struggle between his own country and the US when a passenger plane heading to England explodes after take-off from Dulles Airport. It turns out that the possible bomber was a British Muslim, causing the VA Governor to start arresting all Muslim British-born citizens thanks to the Patriot Act. The cloak and dagger series also showcases the talented Sharon Gless as the ballsy, in your face US Secretary of Defense. There are lots of “which side is this guy on” twists and I always enjoy watching stuff on BBC America – which has a different set of standards about profanity and so forth than here in the US. The final installment airs this Saturday evening at 9PM, but I’m sure they will show re-runs so keep an eye out. You won’t be disappointed.

School - finally!

The kids finally went back to school today after 3 consecutive snow days. I was about to lose my sanity with those two cooped up here all day. It was very cold on Monday and Tuesday, but they should have just pushed school back a couple of hours. It wasn’t that frigid out there (of course I used to live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and in Ontario – so I know a thing or two about cold and snow). It was ridiculous for them to call off classes yesterday – it was really nice out there. We played outside for a little over an hour making snow angels and then we had a snowball fight. After that, the kids shoveled the drive and walk areas for us and our elderly landlord next door. I tried to mend her mail box which someone had slid their car into and damaged. At least it is upright again. :o)

When Brian got home from work last night, we took the kids to this big sledding hill in Dublin. It was a lot of fun. Brandon reminds me of myself as a child. He has no fear…he just takes off running and plops down on his inflatable sled. He screams all the way down and then runs up the hill as fast as he can to do it all over again. He would have stayed out there all night if we would have let him. Of course once the sun went down, it was time to pack it up.

So here I am in a nice quite house…aaaaahhhh! I read the paper and drank my cup of coffee without the background noise of kids fighting, slamming doors and the Disney channel blaring. I even snuck back into bed for a little late morning nap. I’ve been making up for my lazy ways though…lots of laundry to do and dishes too. I spent about an hour or so cleaning up the living room, kitchen and downstairs bathroom. It’s amazing how messy this house gets. I didn’t sit on my ass the past three days – I cleaned every day! Still it took me an hour to re-clean it all up. I just finished tidying up my room and putting away the clean laundry. I had fun doing it though because I was having a mini-show tunes sing-along while doing my chores. Rent, The Rocky Horror Show, Avenue Q and Miss Saigon! Music is always a great motivator.

Well, we made it to payday. I can hardly believe it myself. Last night was rough putting together some sort of dinner – but being the super Mom that I am, I pulled it off. No one starved. I finally sat down with Brian and told him how I was feeling overwhelmed. I even told him how I wanted to go back to work. He was very supportive but I didn’t expect he wouldn’t be. Now the hard part is making it happen. We filed our federal taxes on Monday and we expect a sizable refund soon. That will certainly help the ball rolling.

Brian wants me to consider making SpeakOUT its on 501c3 organization. I could apply for a grant from the Legacy Fund (and other sources) which would provide us with financial support. It’s a lot of work. I’m not sure I am up too it. We both agree that it is more than a long shot that I will finally get a job at one of the existing GLBT groups, so this might be the only way to make my dream/personal goals become reality. What do you all think of that idea?

I spoke at the Ohio Dominican University Tuesday. About once a semester this awesome teacher/nun, who teaches a sociology class, asks me to come speak to the students in her class about GLBT rights and advocating. I had a tough group this time…very focused on the religious side of the arguments. Unfortunately, they didn’t seem too interested in getting involved, but some of the students took notes. Maybe they were afraid of a pop quiz! LOL No one came up to talk to me at the break, but sometimes people are too shy. I’m hoping on of them will email me. I like speaking to her class – especially since Ohio Dominican PAYS me $50 to speak for just an hour!! It would be so awesome to get paid that every time I went somewhere. Of course, I’ll spend that money on SpeakOUT related expenses and not on myself. I’m going to use this check to pay for 3 months of internet!! YES, I’m finally going to be able to have internet here at home so I can send out my weekly updates on time and work on many other SpeakOUT projects which require access to the World Wide Web.

TV Chat: So did you watch Lost last night? I really enjoyed it. There were a few surprises, and even more weirdness revealed. I enjoyed Juliet’s flashback episode too. Even though the flashback made me feel sympathetic to her character, I still think she is the real bad guy on the Other’s Island (and not Ben). Really though, I am just glad to see the show back on the air again. I know a lot of people have given up on it, but I still never miss an episode. 15 more new episodes to look forward too – yippee!

My patience with Gilmore Girls is almost tapped. I only tune in these days out of habit. It really has run its course in my opinion, which is too bad since it really was a great show – a couple of seasons back. :o( Was I the only one who was annoyed at the big build up in the promos regarding Luke coming to the ER to be with Lorallie, only for the actual episode to be a total let down in that department? I’m sick of Christopher’s whining. Get over it already! Also, didn’t you think Richard was going to die when he said, “I think I’ll rest my eyes.”? I did – and if he had it may have made the episode more interesting. Don’t get me wrong – I love Richard & Emily – but if this is the last season, it would be a good plot twist.

I’ve been watching Scrubs non-stop the past couple of weeks. Now that Comedy Central is airing the show, it feels like it is always on somewhere. Their musical episode was cute – but it was no Buffy. Still, who couldn’t help but love the “Guy Love” song between JD and Turk? I’ve decided that Zach Braff is a genius. I love him on the show, his movies are great and he knows his music! You should visit his blog sometime. He has a lot of interesting things to say.

My Newest TV Obsession: Dirt on FX (Tuesdays at 10PM). This is Courtney Cox’s new show about a tabloid called Dirt. She is basically playing a more glamorous version of her reporter character in the movie Scream, but what can I say? She plays a good bitch! This show has very interesting characters and I’ve been sucked into watching repeats of it late at night. Check it out!

The TV show you ought to already know about and love…but probably haven’t and don’t: Psych on USA Network (Fridays at 10PM). Seriously, this is a good/funny show. In its second season, it is a show about the son of a retired police detective. The son has a photographic memory and is great at solving crimes, but he is kind of a slacker so no one really takes him seriously. He comes up with the gimmick that he is psychic and now the police begrudgingly hire him and his straight-laced best friend as consultants. The two leads have a “JD/Turk” like chemistry and are both entertaining to watch. Psych likes to have quirky-fun episodes; my favorite (so far) is when Sean & Gus go to a Star Trek convention. If you can catch it on a repeat, you won’t be disappointed! Also, stick around for the last minute or so of the show when the credits are rolling…they always have a funny little singing skit which cracks me up! Hmmm…maybe Psych should do a musical episode?! Don’t worry this isn’t a watered down version of USA’s The Dead Zone. It is light and fun and a nice way to spend an hour – especially after being totally depressed by yet another sad episode of Monk, which airs right before it.

Baby it's cold outside...

(This was written over the past weekend...)
Holy crap! It is freezing out there my friends. I hope you are all snuggled up and cozy wherever you may be reading this. It has been a rather lazy day. The only real chore today was when I had to take Meg to see the doctor earlier this morning. We thought she might have an ear infection, but it turns out she just has the same cold/flu junk everyone else has. So I paid $20 and waited nearly an hour plus to hear, “It has to run its course.” Oh well, at least we know for sure her ear is OK. They gave me a couple free samples to deal with her cold symptoms and told me to give her Advil for the aches.

Otherwise, I haven’t been very interested in my house chores today. Strangely enough, I just don’t find myself rushing to scrub the bathtub. Instead my mother came by and treated me and Meg to see ‘The Holiday,” which was showing at the dollar movie. All in all, I liked the film. I would have paid a matinee price for it even. Of course, my long time readers will remember my fondness for Kate Winslet and not be surprised by that last declaration. ;o) It was very much a chick flick and I felt badly for the younger men in the audience. Strangely enough, there were a bunch of old people there to see it too. Weird! At any rate, if you are PMSing or perhaps just got dumped then this is the movie for you. It drags a bit and you have to be able to buy Jack Black as a romantic lead actor, but it was an enjoyable couple of hours. Now I want to go see “Stranger than Fiction” before it leaves the dollar movie. Brian said he might actually go to that one with me.

While Meg and I went to the movie, Brian and Brandon went to visit Brian’s mom. While there, he finally brought home the small pile of Christmas gifts that were left there by his visiting brother from New York. We just don’t go over there much and Brian was dragging his feet to go pick up the packages. So today we celebrated a little bit of Christmas in February. We got a gift card to Uno’s Pizzeria & Grill, so guess where we had dinner? It was terrible. The food was nasty and it was freezing cold in the seat we were stuck in. Still…we were flat broke and without dinner, so beggars can’t be too choosy. I really must send out a thank you card to his brother this Monday…I can’t believe so much time has passed since they visited and when we finally got around to picking up the presents. I guess that tells you how sick I was of Christmas this year.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection these past few days. I am totally sick of being home. I can’t work on SpeakOUT stuff because I have no internet access (and can’t afford to pay for it at the moment) and I can’t go anywhere during the day and complete even the smallest of errands because I have no car. I’m sick of being a prisoner in my own home.

Last week I got up twice at 5:15AM to drive Brian to work just so I could have a car during the day. I hate doing that for several reasons…1) I either I have to drag the kids along with me or leave them here asleep and hope that the house doesn’t catch on fire while I’m gone 2) it costs us a lot in gas and racks up miles on the only car we have 3) I always end up exhausted – trying to do everything in a small amount of time 4) did I mention it is 5:15 in the freaking morning?! It is dark and cold for God’s sake! 5) I then have to drive in rush hour traffic, along the worst stretch of interstate in town, to pick him up at the end of a day where I probably spent most of it stuck in the car driving all over town. In short – it sucks in a major way!

Anyhow, I sucked it up and did it. I ran all over the place and accomplished a long list of errands, although I couldn’t find the time to squeeze in a hair cut for myself like I had hoped. I also spent a couple of hours on the computers at the library each day. There were 48 emails in one inbox alone! I spent the first day just catching up and the second working on my lengthy SpeakOUT list. I was finally able to send out our “weekly” update, after not doing so for 2 straight weeks. I may have to rename that thing! Doing all of this made me feel good, but at the same time I wondered why it had to be such a struggle to do something as mundane as going to the post office or picking up a birthday card. Brian works long hours and I feel guilty leaving him with the kids to do these things when he gets home. That leaves the weekends – but it gets really old running errands every weekend.

This past week I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and Meredith’s mother says to her, “I raised you be an exceptional person. What happened to you? You’re just ordinary.” Damn! What a bitch! Still, it got me thinking about my own life and how somewhere along the way I just allowed myself to become ordinary too. I certainly didn’t intend to be. I had bigger than life plans for myself. I worked really hard in school, yet that didn’t bring me the expected results which are promised to “good students”. I worked my ass off (for WAY longer than two years) just to get an associates degree in college – which isn’t at all what I had planned. Marriage number one was a disaster and now here I am in marriage number two with two kids living in the suburbs and I wonder what in the hell happened. I’m in my mid-thirties and I realize that I am no where near the person I though I’d be at this point in my life. In fact, I am slipping backward! I haven’t had a real paying job in two years. I have no 401K...no retirement plans at all. My mind is becoming mush from the endless cycle of washing dishes, folding laundry and prying the kids off one another. Everyday is like the last one. It is no wonder that I am still depressed. (Hey! I just counted up all my co-pays for my prescriptions in 2006…$600! I spent SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS on prescriptions last year. So why don’t I feel better??!!)

I’ve been thinking a bunch about my role in the GLBT community as well. Every other month or so it seems I have a crisis of faith and I want to quit running SpeakOUT. I think I finally realized that it isn’t the group that brings me down; it is my disappointment in the failure to meet my own personal goals. I am not going to be modest here – I am a kick ass advocate. I run the hell out of my group and I am damned good at what I do. Yet, I am still the ‘good little volunteer’. Every time an opportunity comes up for me to be employed (re: PAID) as an advocate, my name gets passed over. I just found out recently that yet another paid position at Equality Ohio came up and it was filled without them even contacting me. It’s like getting kicked in the guts. Why am I not tops on their lists? Even Stonewall just hired two people without even blinking my way. I know I would be a great employee. I have real passion for this part of my life, but the continuous snubs are slowly kicking the spirit out of me.

It doesn’t help that a lot of people I know are getting these new really great jobs. Much of these opportunities were born from being at the right place at the right time – they volunteered and then were hired to work for candidates running for election. Now those candidates are in office and they have offered my friends/colleagues these awesome jobs. I don’t begrudge them – they deserve this. I am just jealous and feeling left behind. I can’t even imagine a starting point but I know I want to change things in my own life. I want to go out there and work again. I want to be productive in ways that don’t involve laundry and mopping. I somehow have to find the financial means to do this. I cannot stand living the way that we do anymore! For example:

Here it is Saturday evening and we have $4 in our checking account until this coming Thursday, which is Brian’s payday. But I wrote a check for $20 this morning to get Meg’s ear looked at. So that means I have to take the last $50 we have in our savings and put $20 of it in the checking account so it doesn’t bounce. That leaves us roughly $30 to live on for the next 5 days. Did I forget to mention that we have no food? Or that the car is running on vapors? Did I mention I wrote our rent check out yesterday and asked my landlady to wait until the ninth to cash it – but she may choose to ignore that request all together! Or that I still need to pay the car payment ($160). Rent + car payment on payday = no money left for the two weeks following Thursday. Don’t even ask me how I’ll manage to pay the pesky $134 gas bill on the 12th before they turn it off. Oh and lets not even think about groceries and gas…and yet another Valentine’s Day that will not be celebrated for the lack of money.

Do I know stress??!! Yea, we are in a long-term commitment with one another.

This is my life. The real one…and people were probably wondering why I needed an escape. These are the circumstances I live with each and every day that I get up. It hangs over us like this big, dark, ominous cloud. It never gets better. We pay bills just to avoid terminations and then never have enough left over to pay down the debts. Brian works 10 hours a day from 6AM (or earlier) until 4:30PM (or later) each day…but it isn’t enough. When I finally do get a job, we will make too much money to get subsidized lunch prices. Instead of .80 cents a day for my kid’s school lunches it will be $4 a day. I will also have to worry about money for gas, insurance for a second car and lunches. I’ll have to worry about day care and who will watch them if one gets sick or there is no school. It is the ultimate catch-22.

I know there are people with much worst lives than mine. I know this. I also know I am one missed paycheck or major emergency away from being just like them. It scares me! I hate wallowing in my own self-pity, but sometimes it just gets too much to handle. Brian walks through much of our lives in this zombie-like state. He goes to work, he comes home exhausted…repeat. I’m the one who has to worry and figure out someway to survive until the next day. That is all I can do – make it through one day/one 24-hour period at a time. If I sat here and thought about time in big chunks, I’d probably just curl up in the fetal position and go into a panic induced coma.

So…I need to find a way out of this downward spiral. I need to stop this terrible state of existence. I don’t know where or how or when…but I am praying to be struck with inspiration very soon before all the “exceptional” dies out in me.

Sorry to vent - but thank you for reading this to the end!