Down the Rabbit Hole with Alice...Cooper that is

So what’s a married with children couple to do on a Sunday night? Well, if you are married to an Alice Cooper fan, like I am, then you were at the LC last night to see the 60 year-old shock rocker. Believe me…I never thought I would be at an Alice Cooper concert, but Brian really wanted to go so I used some connections to swing a couple of free tickets. He was thrilled – I was less so.

Truthfully, I didn’t know what to expect accept for some rumors that he liked to eat the heads off bats…oh, wait that’s Ozzy. Well, I knew that religious groups liked to picket his shows…oh, wait maybe that’s Marilyn Manson. Hmm…I guess I didn’t know a hell of a lot about him. As it was, I went into the show only knowing a handful of his “hits,” and he played two of them within the first 15 minutes of the show. Just my luck!

I was a bit naive to think most people were like me when it came to Alice Cooper and made the incorrect assumption that the show would be sparsely attended. Instead I was floored when we walked in during his opening number (“No More Mr. Nice Guy”), and we were greeted by a sea of fans banging their heads and raising their fists in rock anthem fashion. It was packed! After three (plus) decades in the business, Alice can stick pack them in.

Honestly I was overwhelmed by the sights all around me…or perhaps it was just a contact high from the two dudes smoking a bowl in front of us, or the couple to our right dragging on a doobie. Regardless of the reason, my eyes kept flitting from the stage to the audience. I was amazed at the variety of people around me. There were old Grateful Dead-style white guys, tons of Hooka-types, preppy college guys and gals, old “marrieds” like me and Brian & children…lots of children!

I was distracted all night by the two very unhappy looking kids to our left who were about my own kid’s ages and by the fair haired boy on his father’s shoulders way down in the front. That kid was maybe 5. I was very surprised that the show was an all-ages event. It shouldn’t have been. It was a totally inappropriate environment for any child to be in, and the parent in me just couldn’t dial it back enough to truly enjoy the show. What were these parents thinking? Before you dismiss me as being too old to rock n roll…let me just give you three examples of the antics going on onstage: there was a realistic hanging, Alice slices the throat of a mother and steals her baby carriage away from her and finally he stabs the baby in the chest with a stake! Sound like something your five year-old should be watching?

There were so many high, falling-down drunken people wandering the lawn area that I lost count. Three ladies plowed into us on their way down the slopped walk way. I kept waiting for someone to fall over or drop their bucket-sized beers on those two kids who were sitting on the walkway. Their parents were oblivious. Like I said…it was all very distracting. Plus, I could barely breathe from all the smoke. I had forgotten how nasty concerts were before the smoking ban took effect. Unfortunately they do not apply to outdoor shows. Apart from that, I thought it was great fun to see ladies tossing their underwear on stage and lifting their shirts for some beads. I lost count of how many devil horns I saw waving in the air. Now I can truly say I’ve been to an old school rock show.

As for the show itself, I thought it was pretty good. Alice still looked good and his voice sounded great – although there were some technical sound issues throughout the night. He used lots of props to engage the audience, which was fun. His band was pretty awesome. In particular, I really enjoyed the extended (three-person) drum solo and a separate acoustic guitar solo. His stage show had its ups and downs. He had stage actors portraying lots of different zombie-like characters. They were very entertaining and obviously had professional dance back-grounds.

The one-moment of the show which really ruined the night for me, however, involved one of these actors. During the performance of “Only Women Bleed” (which I thought was a song against violence) Alice repeatedly beat, slapped and finally choked a girl to death. As a survivor of domestic violence, I was profoundly disturbed by this “show.” Yes, I know it is a “shock act” and I know that Alice likes to be the villain in his show – but there comes a time when a performer has to realize what their actions might insight others to do. I lost a lot of respect for Alice after that and honestly would have walked out at that point had it been my decision. Oh, stabbing the baby and then holding it up for all to see was just in bad taste too. (When Alice later sang in his rock anthem “School’s Out” that they “had no class” – well, I had to agree.)

Overall – I still have to say that I enjoyed the concert. Brian was happy that he got to see him, and that’s all that really mattered to me. I’m glad to be able to say that I saw a rock legend in concert. We walked out next to a guy who had just seen Alice for the 35th time…for me though, once was enough.

Closure...

I have a theory that what I really need in my life is closure. The demons that run wild inside me…the ones that keep me up at night going over conversations I had a decade earlier…could be silenced with closure. Take for example the men I had relationships with prior to my husband: there were only really four that shook me to my core (Mark, Ray, Craig & Sergei). I used to think about these guys all the time. What should I have done differently? Why didn’t I say this or that when I had the chance? What would life be like if I (or they) had chosen to stay together? You know what I’m talking about - those pesky after thoughts that come way too late.

Then something amazing happened! One by one, I came into contact with these men years after we parted ways. I heard their voices, read their MySpace page, ran into them in person and most importantly learned what became of them. It was the best elixir for the soul! I’m not going to say that I immediately stopped thinking about them once I had closure – but I certainly stopped having these circular, pointless arguments in my head about them. Actually, I can honestly say I have nothing but positive thoughts about each of them now…able to cherish the time we spent together and not linger on the negatives.

I contacted Mark (my first husband) with Brian’s knowledge and permission. (I wrote about that decision and the reason behind it in a previous blog entry.) At first it was a terrible situation! I became really infatuated with being in touch with him again after all these years. Brian knows that Mark will always have a piece of my heart but I am not in love with him anymore. I care about Mark despite our horrible break-up. Making peace with him and what happened between us was a huge step in my life. I had not spoken or heard from Mark in almost 10 years when I contacted him though. I learned all sorts of things about his life – and saw lots of photos on his MySpace page. He is still with the girl he left me for…but apparently they are separated and headed toward a possible divorce. He joined the service just like he wanted too. His parents had also divorced. He became a Buddhist! We still chit chat by email from time to time – always bringing up the idea of meeting in person when he is in town. A year later it hasn’t happened and it probably won’t. I remember the very last time I saw him. It was a teary, long kiss goodbye type of scene. I said to him, “I know this is the last time I will ever see you.” I was right (so far). A big part of me thinks that it should stay that way. It was a nice good-bye. I don’t regret getting back in touch with him though. It makes me happy to know he is OK and that I can reach him if I really needed too. I also got to say a few things to him that I had long wanted too. It has been a positive experience.

Craig, it turns out, married and is a father as well. I saw him in person – at Target of all places (which is where we worked together when we dated). He is working for an electric/phone company (I can’t remember which) and owns a house in Delaware. What shocked me the most about Craig was that he had obviously carried a torch for me long after we parted ways. I’m not stroking my own ego – I promise. Apparently he even kept tabs on me long after we broke up. It was kind of creepy actually. Truthfully, I never thought he cared that much about me. It was weird to find out otherwise. We tried to email for awhile, but it was obvious he just wanted to get me back in bed and I cut ties with him pretty quickly. He never grew up even though he moved on in life doing adult things. I bet he still owns like 30 black t-shirts. :o)

Getting in touch with Sergei, I realized (finally) that he was never as into me as I was into him – which I knew when we dated, but didn’t want to admit it. He was still playing hockey at the time we spoke on the phone – this time in Alaska. (Later he ended up in Florida teaching hockey at some ice rink.) He got married and was as self-absorbed as ever. A ten minute phone conversation was all it took for me to realize what I mistake I would have made had I actually ended up with him. Good riddance! Have a nice life buddy!

Well, you may have noticed I skipped over Ray. There’s a good reason for that – he is the only one I have not achieved that magical closure moment with. It is long overdue. Last night I had a dream about him (which is not a rare occurrence)…which is what inspired this post. Ray is a long story…but I’ll try to make it simple: He was my boss, he was much older than me, we were both in other serious relationships during our time together and I almost ran off and married him instead of Mark! He all but got down on one knee…but it didn’t happen, because of me. He had two kids and I wanted him to make sure he was really sure that I was what he wanted. I regretted that choice for a long time after things fell apart with Mark and Ray moved away and had another kid with his wife. Yet, it was the right thing to do. I insisted that he owed it to himself and his family to try. (See – the other woman isn’t always a heartless bitch!) It is hard to believe that it was 1992 when all this happened…where does time go?

I always have these wonderful dreams about Ray. He is always there to support me. He is always kind and his hugs and kisses feel as if they could renew life itself. I guess that is how my heart remembers him. I know what I shared above sounds very sorted – but the truth is our romance was very simple and old-fashioned: it was all stolen moments, passing notes, holding hands and kissing under a tree in the park where we ate our lunch and listened to the oldies channel. That’s it! Yet, it was one of the best romances I’ve ever had. I remember how he refused to let go of my hand when he drove us to lunch – even though he had a stick-shift. He would shift gears and steer with one hand so he didn’t have to let go of me. LOL I also remember how I could still smell his cologne (Old Spice) on my hands after spending an hour with him. I still have all his letters (the good & bad) that he wrote me – and they still smell like Old Spice. I think my head/heart treats him like that one great boyfriend you had in high school and never really got over.

What I want is to know what became of him after he moved to Illinois. I want to hear his voice and know if he thinks that he made the right choice those many years ago…or does he regret me? Does he even think of me after all this time? Would he even know who I was?! Mainly I just want to talk to him…to know he is OK. Like I said, he was much older than me – so maybe if I saw him now, that would alter my idea of him to what the reality is. Still, every time I hear our song, “Hold Me…Thrill Me…Kiss Me” (which he picked), I wonder what he is doing. I also wonder if he is thinking of me at that moment. There is a line in the song which goes, “Kiss me…kiss me, and when you do I’ll know that you will miss me if we ever say adieu.” I wonder if that is true. I suppose some would say all this is pointless. I mean, I’m not interested in running off with him now – so why dig up the past? I guess my heart (and perhaps my ego) just needs it. I have tried to find him online but with no luck. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that closure with him…but I want it. I want to be able to file him away like the others.

Now if I could just figure out a way to get closure with all my past employers which wronged me! That would be a real break-through moment…ideas/suggestions?

What's on my mind...

Tonight I feel pissed off at the whole world. I don’t even have a good reason. For seemingly no reason, I feel a weight within my chest. I know this feeling well…it is my old friend anger. I just want to rage against something or someone.

Instead, I took a long ride and returned all our library books/videos to three different libraries. It was a waste of gas – but I just didn’t want to be home. I took Daisy and we hit the road with all the windows rolled down. I wish I could say it worked, but when I got home I felt this dread creep over me. At least Daisy had a blast. She even got to take a quick walk at the UA library. Now she is crashed out on my bed…her little head on my pillow. Ah to be a dog – so easy to be content.

The week is nearly over. The kids went back to school on Tuesday – which was such a relief. I actually treated myself to a massage that afternoon to celebrate making it through another summer. I had never used my gift certificate to Massage Envy (which was my Mother’s Day gift) so it was completely free (gratuity too!). It was a wonderful hour! I wish I could indulge in one every week. With our finances though – it was a one shot deal.

I got a little emotional when Meg went off to 6th grade. To me it was a milestone. She is now half done with school…and no longer a little girl. I can remember the very first time we put her on the school bus for kindergarten. I can hardly believe how fast it all went. She seems very happy to be in middle school now. Of course, it is only the first week. Brandon got to switch teachers after all, and he really likes his new teacher. I am much happier with her too – she is organized and even has the kids use a planner and follow a schedule.

Because of our financial issues, we qualified for free lunches this year. Of course I am happy about that – because that also means we won’t have to pay out $60 for school fees now – but if you consider the bigger picture, it sucks because it means we are very poor.

Oh! Before I forget…if you were ever considering renting/borrowing the DVD August Rush – don’t! I waited forever for it to come in and I was really disappointed. It was pretty bad…and I am no movie snob. I like chick flicks! Pass this one up. Next up: Jumper.

I did something this past weekend that I haven’t done since I was a teen…I read an entire book in 24 hours (it was over 500 pages!). It was Stephenie Meyer's “Twilight”. I should disclose that this book can be found in the juvenile literature section, so the writing was pretty easy to digest…but I would still recommend it. Over the summer, I had heard a lot about this series - which is about a human girl who falls in love with a vampire – so I decided to check it out myself before the movie comes out this fall. I had to wait awhile for a copy of the book, but it was worth it. At first the writing bothered me. Everything seemed to be in short, choppy sentences. The actual storyline between Edward and Bella was mesmerizing though! I was so invested in their budding relationship that I couldn’t put it down. So now I am on the waiting list for the next one, “New Moon.” That is the good thing about jumping in late on something popular. I don’t have to wait for the next book to come out because there are already three more out there waiting for me to read next! The same thing happened to me with the Harry Potter series. I didn’t start reading those until just before the 4th Year came out.

I also picked up Vanessa Carlton’s new CD – Heroes & Thieves. If you like her music, you will like this album.

A good thing happened this past week. My friend Jessie and I ended our feud and declared a truce. I am really happy about that because I’ve really missed her. If she can forgive me for my bad behavior then I am willing to forgive her for hers. All I care about is being able to talk to her again. Then another friend of mine sent me some new photos of her little boy. He is just adorable and I am mad at myself for not visiting them yet. I have completely missed his “baby” phase! He has four teeth now! Sigh… I have made myself a promise to visit them very soon before the kid is in kindergarten or something!

I read in some magazine this past week, 6 tips on dating a British guy. It got me thinking that of all the men I dated before my current marriage, not one of them was British! This bugged me considerably because I am such an Anglophile. I’m a sucker for an English accent and could easily see myself at a regatta (or cricket match) sipping hot tea. LOL I do have a nice international collection: Canadian, French-Canadian, Ukrainian and of course a variety of Americans. So, where was my Brit?! Now I’m forced to regret that for all time. Stupid magazine article! Sigh…at least I still have Hugh Laurie. :o)

I think I am much closer to making a final decision regarding SpeakOUT. Now I just need to find my balls again to follow-thru!

Tomorrow I plan on completing the necessary forms to qualify for state assistance for Brandon’s diabetes care. When we lost our insurance, the state took away the assistance we already had and then told us to re-file. Since our income level is lower, we will most likely qualify for a different plan now. Basically the state screwed us over when we needed the help the most. Now we will have to wait weeks to see if we will get this coverage instead. What a mess. It is the last big bunch of forms I should have to fill out for awhile – thank God! It feels like all I do is fill out forms! Back to school forms, medical forms for the school and medical forms for Brandon’s new doctor! Ack!! I’m so sick of forms. It is necessary though.


Random Thought: I’m sick of the damned Olympics!
New Television Obsession: Californication (from Showtime…but also on DVD!)
Funniest Quote of the Week: Taken from the new movie, Bottle Shock (which stars another Brit favorite, Alan Rickman)
So the American guy says: “Why don't I like you?”
The British guy replies: “It’s because you think I’m an asshole. But I’m really not; it's because I’m British and you, well, aren’t.”
What I Should be Writing instead of this Blog Entry: My resume!

Amber-ific!

I saw this image on Amber Tamblyn's MySpace page and thought it was hilarious!

Check out her site...I think she's pretty damned awesome.