Saga: Let's talk about sex...

“I won’t feel guilty.
No matter what they’re telling me.
I won’t feel dirty and buy into their misery.
I won’t be shamed cause I believe that love is free.
It fuels the heart and sex is not my enemy.”

~ ‘Sex is Not the Enemy’ by Garbage

Martin/I were having a blast playing opposite our newest character, Ben. He was like a badly needed blood transfusion for our game. Barb’s characters in the past may have been sexy and complex, but outwardly they were chaste and innocent. Ben blew the doors off her other characters. He screamed “LOOK AT ME” with every breath and action. In fact, Ben’s initial contact with Martin was to invite him to a rave – Ben, being the smooth operator he is, had four supermodels on his arm at the time. It was so unlike Barb to create such an openly sexual character like Ben. I was intrigued and wanted to play opposite him as often as possible. She seemed happy to oblige and for a short while we were in gaming bliss.

But nothing good can last forever…during this time, Martin was also involved in a darker sub-plot regarding a local vampire clan. The Prince of the City, Raithe, was very ‘taken’ with Martin. He used his supernatural powers to seduce him and in one scene (which I had written out in story-form) Raithe finally kisses him. (Sorry…blame Anne Rice and too much Queer As Folk) This chain of events leads Martin to become obsessed with having that kind of power over another person. Still, he doesn’t want to become one of the undead to possess it. So in a sudden and much unplanned twist to our story, I decided that Ben would be the perfect person for Martin to play mind-games with, using the powers he did have at his disposal.

Back in our main storyline, Ben had been badgering Martin to come “play” at his place. As it turns out, Martin had to abruptly leave the rave Ben had thrown because he and Simon were trying to save someone from a nasty fate…they failed miserably. I had initially decided against going to Ben’s ‘orgy’ (for a lack of a better term) since it really didn’t seem like Martin’s scene, but Barb would not let up on Ben’s interest in getting Martin to show up. It was a very curious sensation to be in that position – usually my characters were the bad influences in our stories! (LOL) This was my window of opportunity! So Martin decides to go…and in the midst of one of our most adult oriented games, I let Martin try his hand at seducing Ben.

The whole thing between Martin and Ben was nothing more than innuendo and lingering looks, but I felt really happy with the outcome of our gaming session. Still I must admit that I was really surprised the next morning when Barb wrote me a follow-up email about the night’s previous game and asked if Marty “had fun fucking Ben”. Here I had thought I had been oh so subtle! We both agreed that it was probably one of the most fun nights of gaming we had in a long time.

For the next few weeks we gamed regularly – we were busy with several storylines, especially one involving a big trip to Russia (all the characters minus Ben – who was not in our pack - would be involved in it). Ben and Martin were not really supposed to meet up again until after we returned from that saga, but I was having too much fun with him to wait that long. So I initiated another “date” with Ben and his favorite gal before the big trip. Their afternoon rendezvous at a hotel was slightly more eventful (and fun) than their first encounter. I couldn’t deny the obvious chemistry between Martin and Ben. Martin was on cloud nine around Ben and it only made the misery in the rest of his life more profound…I realized he hadn’t been happy in a very long time. Their budding relationship confirmed my decision that Martin should say goodbye to Kali and explore other options.

Martin and Ben’s relationship took me by surprise. As I mentioned before, I didn’t plan for this to happen at all. Martin was never interested in a person of the same sex before and I never imagined he would be. Still, when this storyline came along it didn’t feel weird for me. The man-on-man idea never repulsed me…actually it was just the opposite effect! I took their interest in one another for what it was: curiosity, lust and obsession shared between two people. Gender played no role in my thinking. I guess that is why I can be an advocate for the GLBT community – I see such things as a matter of the heart/brain, not what is below the belt. I honestly feel that you can fall for another person regardless of their gender and/or your “normal” sexual preference. It is the person – not their anatomy – which captures your heart. That was the case here - Martin fell for Ben because of who he was. Ben complimented him (and challenged him) as no other person had previously. They shared a natural attraction to each other – their genders being the same was just a new twist to the usual mating ritual, but it didn’t have to be a road block if they chose to consider it a non-issue between them.

When Barb lived in Ohio, she seemed much more open-minded. She took me to my first gay bar in fact. Back then I wasn’t the advocate I am today, but even then when it was all shiny and new to me, I had no hang-ups. Being cooped up in conservative, rural America seemed to have rubbed off on my “alternative girlfriend” however. Although Barb never rejected Martin’s advances upon Ben, she finally admitted that she was having a hard time writing about sex and in specific those particular scenes involving Ben and Martin. She blamed her own hang-ups about sex itself – but I started to question that when she never mentioned “discomfort” when it came to man and women scenes. I asked her why she would even create a character like Ben if she didn’t feel comfortable in his skin…but I never got a satisfying answer. She said she liked the direction of Ben and Martin’s storyline, but asked if I could write out the bulk of certain scenes (so she wouldn’t feel ‘icky’). I should have put the breaks on then and there – and had I not been so invested in their relationship, I often wonder if the result would have been different in the end.

But I didn’t listen to my gut, instead I did as she asked and wrote out much of Ben and Martin’s interactions in story-form. As a result, Ben became less and less Barb’s character and more mine. She applauded my writing, saying I was playing Ben as she would have, and giggled happily over their more outrageous adventures. I thought we had found a nice safe middle-ground to our dilemma, but it was actually setting the stage for a lot of future problems. This was actually the beginning to our end.

Saga: The end...part one

“Everything you think you know Baby is wrong.
Everything you think you had Baby is gone.”

~ “It’s All Over but the Crying” by Garbage

It wasn’t long before our gaming once again faced the ire of Charles. Barb started canceling games again without warning or excuse and my inbox sat empty for days on end. Back when we had been setting up the groundwork for Simon and Raven’s budding love affair, it had been Barb who couldn’t game enough. She was completely wrapped up in the magical, romantic fantasy that was Simon and Raven. I liked their storyline too, but S&R were always Barb’s ‘baby’. Still, I indulged her need to escape – sometimes beyond reason. I’d stay up until 3AM on a work night to IM a game with her. I’d spend time creating stories for her when I should have been doing a mountain of housework. I bought her little trinkets that would remind her of the S&R romance when I had no business spending money on anything unnecessary. Once I even kept my promise to game even though I was throwing up and had a fever because I didn’t want to disappoint her. I rationalized these things by telling myself that they were important because in the end my actions would bring her happiness. (Like I said many posts ago…sometimes living in your own little world can be just as dangerous an addiction as doing crack. When you are in the thick of it, you cannot be rational. It becomes very real to you.)

So here we were again, but this time the shoe was on my foot. I was fascinated by Martin and Ben’s relationship, but Barb did not return the favor of providing me with my “game fix” as I had for her. Instead she started to openly complain that I was asking too much of her to write as often or game longer than we might have normally. When she would send me game related emails, it was always about the other storylines and never the promised scenes involving Ben and Martin. It was terribly frustrating and we started arguing about it a lot.

One day Barb sent me a particularly nasty email listing all the things she was ‘giving up in her life’ to spend time writing to me: she could be painting or working on her website, she could be riding her horses, she could be out drinking with Charles, or she could just be outside enjoying the weather. I was furious. What about all the things I was giving up? I was the one with a husband, two kids, a full time job and other responsibilities. Besides, I wasn’t asking her to do anything I hadn’t done for her. At that, Barb reminded me that she had never asked me to do all those things for her (as if that were a good enough excuse for her to bail on me now). All I know is whether she asked or not, it sure as hell never stopped her from accepting them.

It became crystal clear that while I had made Barb a top priority in my life, I had become just another chore to her. She told me that once we both needed the same things, and for awhile we were able to help each other, but now she wasn’t in that place anymore. Apparently it was to be all about Barb from now on. It didn’t matter how I felt or what I wanted. If I didn’t like something and said so, she would freeze me out and not write to me. It was basically her way or no way. I resented that deeply.

I could be avoided by simply not turning on the computer, so it was easy for her to dump on me whenever she felt like it. Of course, she didn’t dare treat the other people in her day-to-day life so poorly because then she would have to do it to their faces. It was easy to dismiss me though– I was just an email waiting to be opened, or a friend icon in her IM box. I had ceased to be flesh and blood to her. She told me that she had to start telling people no in her life – guess who would be the first one? I was stunned! I had done everything in my power to be there for her regardless of the cost in my own life, and I couldn’t believe that she didn’t feel a similar responsibility to give back to me in the same way. I felt used by her. At one point she demanded to know what had happened to my unconditional love for her. Unconditional love - when had I ever offered that? I explained that to have a friend, you must be a friend. I expected to be treated at least as well as I treated her. Nothing is free…nothing.

We fought more than gamed in those bitter weeks, but at least we were talking. I knew that something had to be behind her sudden attitude change…that something was most likely Charles. I tried to get her to open up to me but it only led to more silence and unanswered questions. Then without warning she sent me this flowery, poetic bullshit good-bye letter. It was all about her being a tree and how she had to take up her roots and leave the field we were in – for now. She said maybe one day her seed would float into another field and a new tree would grow. Perhaps we could be together then. I’m serious…that is what it said.

What the fuck kind of letter is that?! How do you even begin to respond to that kind of letter? I suppose it was her intention to be kind with her dreamy words and imagery – but instead it was just cruel. With a click of a mouse, she just tossed our nearly decade long friendship into the trash and she didn’t even have the guts to give me a reason. Hell, she didn’t even have the decency and courage to do it ‘in person’ over the phone! What about the letter she sent me when she first moved to Utah? What about her promises to always be there? It had all been a lie.

Pure, indignant rage filled my entire being - but it didn’t stay around for long. It was quickly replaced by an anguish I had never felt before. This was a pain worst than loosing my first husband to another woman. I stayed in my bed crying for days afterward. I didn’t want to eat…and I had to force myself to even get up and go to work. I walked around in a daze. It felt like a huge weight was resting upon my chest. It was so bad that at times I could barely breathe. I thought I might actually die from my broken heart. I know that Brian should have been the person I relied upon for my happiness and well-being, but he wasn’t. That person had been Barb and with her gone I was drowning. It was clear from this pain that I had loved her (maybe even been ‘in love’ with her) and for some reason she did not return that love to me. That was very hard to accept. Yet I had no choice but to accept it…Barb had left me no other alternative or answers. I didn’t know it then, but those dark days were just the beginning of a very long spiral into a depression that I still live with to this day.

"You left me here with all the blame, but tell me why I don’t feel the same.”
~ “Why (Pt. 2)” by Collective Soul

Saga...the wait is over

I’m listening to what is probably one of my all-time favorite Beatles albums, Rubber Soul. My Dad had it on eight-track and I remember listening to that and the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever over and over in our car as a child. I remember that I played Rubber Soul so often that the photo on the case was worn and rubbed mostly away. Even now it conjures up the ghosts of my life as a child in Florida: Flip flops were my only shoes, the sand from our daily visits to the beach took up permanent residence on the floor boards of our car and the smell of salt water rushed into the back seat as I my little hand “flew” like an airplane in graceful up and down arcs out the car window.

Sitting here now as an adult, very far from those happy memories of my childhood, one of the songs (“I’m Looking Through You.”) seemed to capture the very essence of where we are approaching in my little saga…

“I’m looking through you; where did you go?
I thought I knew you; what did I know?
You don’t look different; but you have changed.
I’m looking through you; you’re not the same.”

“Why? Tell me! Why did you not treat me right?
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight.”

Those words magically capture how I was beginning to feel as the years began to pass by. On the outside, I guess we looked the same – but something was changing. Maybe it was her, it might have been me; regardless, our relationship was shifting into something new and different. At first I thought it was something better, something good. I was wrong but I just couldn’t see it yet.

When Barb moved to Texas, she found herself a job off the ranch. She was working for a little retail hardware shop in their tiny town. She needed the money and I was happy she was finding a life of some sort away from her family. That is where she met Charles. At first, I was thrilled for her. She made him seem so great and when she started gushing about his ability to make her insides turn to jelly, I thought she might finally have a chance to get away from her sister. I was right. It didn’t take too long before they were dating and that turned into more. She moved in with him and his family on their farm. Soon she stopped working in town and started working with Charles with his business as an independent contractor. I guess you can see where this is going…she traded in her chains at her family’s farm for a new set at Charles’s place.

Slowly I began to learn that Charles was not the perfect guy I was led to believe he was. He had not one but two children from two different women. He had custody of one and partial custody of another. So while Charles was away working, Barb often played Mommy to a very unhappy child. Sometimes when his other child was visiting he would take off to the bar and leave Barb with both kids. Charles’s business was struggling and soon Barb had her own money in it…a lot of it. No amount of straight talk could convince Barb that this guy was very bad news. She was hooked – I’m not sure if it was that she was in love with him or if she had convinced herself that she had no alternative but stay with him, regardless she was not going anywhere. (Wow…that is such a true statement! She really wasn’t going anywhere – not with her own life, her own goals and passions. It was Barb being Barb once again…making terrible decisions and not being strong enough to walk away.)

Another thing about Charles was quickly evident – he was a very jealous person who liked his beer. It didn’t take much time at all for him to resent the time she spent writing to me or gaming with me. He started reading her private mail from me and going into rages every time we were supposed to play. If she called me, he was always in the background making loud comments. Our hate of each other was mutual.

In 2000, Brian and I welcomed a son into our lives. Brandon would be our last, and I fully expected Barb to come visit our new bundle of joy. She never did. I cannot express how hurt I was over this slight. I thought of her as half of me and to think that she never even met my son is just unthinkable. It made me start to doubt the bond we had. For the first time, I realized that I could never leave my daughter (and now son) in her care if something had happened to Brian and me – at least not if she was going to stay with Charles. Things were slowly falling apart between us. It was like a little piece of hanging thread which ultimately unravels your favorite sweater.

We started arguing about everything, especially her choice to stay in a rotten relationship even though she admitted that she was very unhappy. At one point she called me so we could plan a way for her to leave Charles…I promised to drive all the way to Texas and make sure he didn’t stop her. I opened up my home to her. Just as quickly she suddenly decided she wasn’t leaving. I felt like I was a yo-yo. I hated her being there, knowing the bad situation she was in everyday, and I hated even more that she would rather be there than with us here. I was exhausted dealing with her trials and daily disappointments. I had my own problems, but I seemed more wrapped up in solving hers. I spent every moment trying to make her happier. I’d send her care packages and long emails. I can honestly say that her life and happiness was more important to me at that point than mine.

The stress eventually rolled into our gaming. Up until this point, we had been happily gaming on a regular basis. Charles’s annoyance over time spent with me gaming became a serious issue. Barb would abruptly cancel our plans at the last minute. She would promise to write and then not send me an email for two weeks. I was furious. Gaming was my only outlet. It was as necessary to me as eating. I needed those breaks and I was dependent on a very undependable person for it. We argued about that too.

Our real life resentments started to show up in our game…our characters were snippy and uncharacteristically hostile toward one another. It was about this time that I decided that Martin would break off the seemingly endless relationship-that-never-was-a-relationship with his ‘soul mate’ Kali. Did I do it to hurt Barb? I wish I could say without a doubt no – but if I’m being honest then maybe I did do it out of anger. I had wanted to take the game in a new direction and I knew that would include Martin breaking out of his rut with Kali. We had a happy coupling in our game with “sub-characters” Raven & Simon…and it made me realize how unhappy Martin was. It was time for him to move on. I admit that the timing could have been better…but I went forward with it.

Barb created a new sub-character, Ben, around the same time as I began to lay the groundwork for Martin’s exit from Kali’s death grip. I was smitten with Ben’s addition. He was so different than anything Barb had ever played. Unlike innocent Kali and naïve good-hearted Simon; Ben was a player! He had women draped over him like James Bond. He was all instinct and basic urges. Finally, Martin had someone interesting to play with! We had lots of fun with these two and our game seemed to be going back to a good place for both of us.

It may be hard to believe, but Ben and Martin’s friendship entering our game became the “straw that broke the camel’s back”. It is because of this that I have spoken so much about the game we played. I wanted you to get to know it and us and how it was the thread that kept us together for so long. I still don’t expect you to fully understand and I’m sure it will seem childish and far-fetched once all explained…but the game which brought us together eventually tore us into irreparable shreds.

More about the weekend...

(This post was written on Wednesday...)
I can’t believe I forgot to mention this when I was writing about my adventure to Skully’s last Friday…I was making my way to the restroom when I ran into this young guy with cheetah hair! It was one of those moments when I wish (as I often do) that I had one of those swanky cell phones with a camera so I could share it with you, my dear readers. I’m no prude – but what in the hell possess someone to purposely buzz cut their hair and then dye it bright yellow with little black dots? Maybe I’m getting old, because I even found myself wondering what kind of employer would hire such a person. Wow…am I turning into “the man”?

Speaking of Friday, I also failed to mention this girl I saw there who mesmerized me. She was standing alone; holding a glass of wine in one hand and her jacket in the other. I thought she was perky cute – she had on Vans sneakers and this retro thrift store shirt. She had thick dark curly hair and these cool retro glasses. I told Brian that if I were a guy/lesbian I’d have approached her. She was obviously cool, but not too high maintenance or into herself. I watched a flock of boys circling this skinny blonde wearing a trendy hat and knit shrug and wondered why men always go for the obvious. Poor perky cute girl stood alone the entire night. I watched her…not one person spoke to her all night and she never moved away from the bar where she was standing. I felt bad for her. I know how that feels. Maybe I should have just went over and talked to her, but I didn’t. I hope she knows that she rocked and that blonde chick had nothing on her.

Skully’s is an awesome place to people watch! Two other notable standouts from the evening: there were these two girls getting very drunk at the bar below us (we went upstairs watch the show and sit down). About an hour later they started making out like crazy! It was comical because suddenly there was no one around them…they were all over each other! (Get a room!) That aside, their crazy make-out session isn’t the reason they make my list…it was later in the evening when Wolfgang Parker had taken the stage that makes them blog-worthy! The one girl was clearly trashed out of her mind. She had snuck up to the stage and was just whipping her head back and forth (side to side – not metal thrashing) and her long hair kept smacking everyone in a 3 foot radius in the face! She was writhing around like she was having a convulsion! The photographer for the band kept trying to get around her to take photos of WP, but this chick’s hair kept smacking her in the face! It was actually very distracting to observe all this. The girl’s friend kept trying to calm her down and pull her hair back – but it would only last a few minutes and she was back at it. Crap – if I ever get that drunk please put me in a cab!

Last night went pretty well. We drew in about 30 people to our panel discussion on marriage equality. An additional 10 more people came to see just the movie. The best part was that I didn’t know most of them. A lot of times when you hold an event, you just draw in people who you see at other events…in other words you are preaching to the choir. Another unexpected bonus was that ¼ of our audience were people of color. It is hard to reach that audience and I’m still not sure how we managed it. It was great to see such a diverse crowd. I admit that I had hoped to at least pull in 60 people, so it was disappointing to only get half that number – but I had several factors going against me: it didn’t start until 8PM on a weeknight, it was freaking freezing outside and American Idol premiered last night. Need I say more?

The site was awesome! The Wexner Center staff did a great job of creating an intimate area for our panel in what was basically the lobby of an auditorium. They even put on some nice music while people were mingling and getting their coffee and snacks. The theatre space was great too. It was a fantastic set-up. Everyone who did attend seemed very happy with our efforts and we received some good comments afterward. I even had some people sign up for our e-newsletter…so I have to say Tying the Knot was a success. Yea me!

Book update: I’m officially over Laurel K. Hamilton. Her latest book was crap - then again, so were the previous two! As my dear reader’s know, I begrudgingly began to read her 13th novel Danse Macabre a couple weeks back. I really did try to get into it because I actually like some of the characters in this epic. However, it took 4 chapters just for one scene to finish playing out – and the majority of it was just Anita bitching about all the men she screws (and there are A LOT of them) – so I knew it was just going to be the same crap that I feared it would be. I ended up just skimming the rest of the book.

Here are my helpful hints to reading any LKH novel:
1) Read the jacket cover for what the story is supposed to be about.
2) Watch some porn - it will be better than reading her repetitious descriptions of sex which makes up 90% of the story.
3) Read the last chapter where the author neatly wraps up a mess of storylines without actually having to go to the trouble of writing what the book was actually about because she was too busy writing erotica and calling it fantasy.
4) Throw the book to the floor in disgust and promise to never darken her corner of the library again.

I also have to give a big, thumb down to another book I was reading, “What Do You Do All Day?” by Amy Scheibe. According to the review I read about it, it was supposed to be “Funny and sympathetic! Scheibe writes insightfully about issues, balancing weighty emotional matters with heavy doses of humor and portraying the ups and downs of motherhood and marriage in a way that’s sure to charm readers.” Were we reading the same book? I got to the 4th chapter and gave up on it totally. (Apparently so did the last person who checked it out, because that is where she left her bookmark!)

I could not relate at all to the main character in the book, Jennifer. She sends her 4 year old to a fancy $20,000 a year preschool in NY and then complains she can’t afford a nanny for her other child so she can return to work. Um, maybe if you sent your bratty daughter to a much cheaper school you could! Duh! Oh, and if your husband didn’t take you to fancy restaurants overlooking the NYC skyline, drinking two bottles of champagne between you and receiving a diamond bracelet from Tiffany’s for no real reason – well, maybe you could afford one then too! Argh!! I was totally turned off by the whole “poor little rich girl” theme.

The author also annoyed me at length by dropping trendy NYC retail store names and brands as though everyone in the world knew what she was talking about. When Jennifer’s husband presents her with the diamond bracelet, the author describes the moment with “a long, thin blue box – you know the one.” Sorry, but since I’ve never received a gift from Tiffany’s, I can’t say that I do. Being a huge fan of NYC, I was able to follow her – but it didn’t make it any less annoying. I gave up on her when she included the following abbreviations without any explanation to the reader – SAHM (stay at home mother) and VBAC (vaginal birth after a cesarean). I’ve been nice enough to include what these initials mean because I happen to know what they mean – but not everyone would and for that reason she should have explained at least once.

Maybe I’m becoming a snob regarding the rich…this is the second book I’ve read which turned me off with countless name dropping and better-than-you characters. I guess I have to come clean and say that my present pauper-like existence makes me bristle over such things. I thought I was a better person than that…but I just can’t stand the wealthy who cry over their ‘miserable lives’. Try living on $29 for 10 days and get back to me about that ‘bad day’. I could totally turn my life around with the $20,000 the character in the last book spent on preschool…and she complains about having to take the subway twice a day to pick up her precious cargo and wonders if she should become ‘one of those mothers’ who sends a town car to pick up her kid. Poor, poor thing! Yea, I’m bitter. Sorry.

I’m starting a new book today – Grave Sight by Charlaine Harris. Apparently Harris has written a lot of books, but I had never heard of her. I read a quick review about the book and thought it was something that might be fun to read. It is about a character (Harper Connolly) who is hit by lightening and can now find dead people and reveal how they died. Interesting…I’ll let you know.

Well, I need to wrap this up. I hope to get back to the saga very soon. Please be patient…I have to plan out my SpeakOUT meeting which is this Saturday. I might not get a chance to write until the weekend, but I will!

Be well!

The Weekend Update...

This past weekend was an interesting one. Brian noticed in one of the local free publications that Wolfgang Parker (WP) was going to be in town for a show. We had seen him perform at a small club near downtown about a year into our marriage. WP played swing music with an attitude. Of course, back in then swing was in…it hasn’t been for awhile now, so I was surprised to see him playing anywhere. We have his first album, Hep City Swing, and enjoy pulling it out every now and then. I said, “Oh we should go see him. That’d be fun.” Now, dear readers, if I had a quarter for every time I’ve said we should go do something and then never did, I’d be stinking rich! But this time we actually did go. A miracle right here in the ‘burbs!

The concert was at Skully’s – a place I’ve seen tons of times but have never been inside of. It was larger than I thought and a good place to see a small show. It only cost $5 to go in and Brian drank the beer special (PBR for a buck) and I had my usual coke – so it was a cheap evening. The only annoying thing was that the band was late. We got there at 10:30 and the opening act didn’t even get onstage until 11:15. I wish they had just skipped to WP…Blatant Finger was just blatantly bad. The band spent more time tuning the base and knocking back beers than singing. When they weren’t hurling insults at the crowd, they attempted to perform. They reminded me mostly of the band, Jimmy Eats World. A very long hour later, WP finally took the stage. I’m glad to say that WP was as handsome as ever and just as much fun to see live. He has a very sexy stage persona and calls everyone baby or sweets! LOL I missed his zoot suit, but he still looked nice in his regular suit. There were a few people there to swing dance too. It was a fun but late night.

The next day Brandon had a birthday to attend at the very popular Pump It Up (PIU). PIU, for all you people out there without a child under 10, is a huge warehouse with inflatable slides and bouncy houses in it. Its great fun for a child of 6 or 7, that is for sure. Meaghan went to see “Deck the Halls” at the dollar movie with my poor, poor mother. (HA! At least it wasn’t me!). So Brian and I snuck off the Der Dutchman Restaurant in Plain City to sample their homemade pies while Brandon was in bouncy heaven. It was a nice quiet afternoon with just him and me – bliss!

Then yesterday I ended up spending the majority of the day alone. I went to represent my group, SpeakOUT, at fancy luncheon in the statehouse. It was a celebration for the GLBT and allied communities regarding the outcome of the elections. Everyone was there – and even the new Governor and Lt. Governor turn up. It was very inspiring to hear our newly elected state officials speaking “our language” for a change. Ohio has been a red state for too long. The lady they hired to sing broke out into “Happy Days Are Here Again” when Gov. Strickland showed up – indeed she is right! The food was great and I saw many friends. Afterward I ran errands and visited my mother for a bit.

Speaking of my group – don’t forget that we are hosting the screening of Tying the Knot (a 2004 documentary about marriage equality) at the Wexner Center tomorrow (1/16) evening. The event kicks off at 8PM in the lobby of Mershon Auditorium. A few friends of mine and I will be holding a panel discussion and there will be free coffee and dessert too. Did I mention it was free??!! Well it is, so get out there and come say hello to me!

Also, check out my latest article to be published in The Outlook Weekly – www.outlooknews.com It is in the Dec 28-Jan10 (Vol. 11 No 29) issue. My article is on page 15 as part of the feature story.

Need to run…hope you all had a nice weekend too.

Random site to visit for something funny: www.RobPRocks.com It features a funny guy named Rob Paravonian – a You Tube superstar for good reason. :o)

The saga goes on...

It didn’t take Barb and me long to realize that we had to come up with a solution to our gaming situation. Without Barb there to gel us all together, our new group quickly fell apart. Russ married and moved to Northern Ohio with his new bride; Roger soon followed him. Not surprisingly, Utah wasn’t exactly a role playing paradise either. So with no other choices out there, we decided to resume playing our game via the glorious internet!

It was sort of like those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ novels that I loved in my youth! In the beginning, we mainly wrote out our epic in stories. I’d write one scene and she would reply to it and so forth. It took some getting used too since for this to work, we would have to allow a certain amount of flexibility in the rules and give up total control of our characters. Since I’d been playing Martin to her Kali for years now though it was rather easy to know how she would react to certain things and situations. If one of us decided there was no way we would have done what the other person wrote for us, we could change it. It is pretty remarkable how little that happened.

I found quickly that I preferred this style of gaming. It was fantastic! I could write in detail how a character was feeling or what he was thinking. The characters became more three-dimensional to me. Soon we were playing out other minor characters (NPC) to flesh out the game. We would take turns running the adventures so no one person had total control of the game. It was an oasis of escape to me. It was so easy to slip into my head and write for hours.

By the time Barb moved to Texas, we had started to IM games in real time. It was like doing crack – instantly addictive. I lived for those gaming sessions. I could step out of this boring, draining real life and become Martin. Sure he had a pretty crappy life at times too, but he was still larger than life. Nothing could keep him down and out for long. In his alternate world I had control, in my own life I didn’t. I would stay up until the wee hours of the morning with Barb online. The hours flew by unnoticed. Sometimes I regretted it the morning after, but it was like waking up the night after a glorious evening of sensual delights…well worth it!

Back in the real world, Barb and I seemed able to maintain a close friendship while she was in Utah. We’d game and email each other a few times a week. She would call a few times a month. I even managed to fly out there one summer to see her for a week. She was right; Utah was beautiful. It was awesome for sinus/allergy problems too…the climate seemed to zap those issues out of existence the moment my plane landed. We spent a lot of time driving around in her sister’s jeep and listening to alternative rock. Barb took me to a natural hot springs, drove us up into the mountains and visited a state park filled with those awesome huge red rocks. We spent a day in Salt Lake City too. Barb was living on a farm that her sister’s family owned and in the evening Barb and I rode their horses. For a few days it was great…but I could have never lived there - too rural!

At the end of my week there, Barb and I hit the open road and drove to Las Vegas. It was like nothing I have seen before. We gambled a bit and saw as much as we could in 48 hours. My favorite memory of that trip though was when Barb and I snuck into the outdoor pool at our hotel. Technically it was closed…but we didn’t let that stop us. We took a quick dip under the waterfall and swam a bit before settling into the large hot tub. We must have sat there in the warm bubbles for a good half hour. The stars were out and it was just the two of us. We talked about our lives and giggled over private jokes. It was like we had never been apart. She was the same Barb who I had been close too back home. Eventually hotel security wandered out and asked us to go back into the hotel – but they were nice about it. I wish that moment could have lasted longer. There were lots of tears at the airport, but eventually I boarded my flight knowing I had a family waiting for me back in Ohio.

When I heard the news that Barb had decided to move yet again with her sister, it pretty much crushed any hopes I had that she would come back to Ohio. I did my best to try to convince her to come home, but it fell on deaf ears. Her decision to move to Texas with them marked the beginning of the end for us. Her sister had become overly-dependent on Barb’s help with her two boys. Her sister’s marriage was crumbling and Barb worried non-stop about how her nephews would manage in that atmosphere without her to blunt the hurt for them. To top it off, Barb had a very rocky relationship with her sister and the stress of a failing marriage only made that worst. I tried to tell her that she could not live her whole life in the middle of her sister’s messy life. The boys had parents and she was just going to get hurt in the long run. I told her that she had been living for them and their goals for too long – it was time for her to work on her own life and goals. The only way she could do that is to move out of their home.

Meanwhile, my life was no bed of roses either. In 1998, Brian and I found out that we were going to be parents yet again. It was very stressful because we had so little money and it was much sooner than we had planned on having a second child…but what can you do? We announced the pregnancy to our families. This one would also be born in December. Just shy of my second trimester I began to bleed while at a company function in Delaware. We rushed to the ER and saw our baby for the first time. He was moving around and we even heard his heart beating. The next day I went to my first OB appointment and was put on bed rest and medicine to try and stop the bleeding. I felt terrible guilt. I thought that it was my fault for not wanting to be pregnant again so soon. I thought my stress was another cause for the problems. Brian and I had a terrible fight the night I started bleeding and I’ll never forget saying to him “I bet you wish this baby would die!” He did just a few days into my second trimester. We wouldn’t find out until two years later, when we decided to try to have another baby, that he died due to a partial molar pregnancy. Had he lived to birth, he would have been extremely deformed and would have died soon after birth.

We named our son Jacob William Riley and had him blessed before he was removed from my body. I remember them rolling me into the cold, stark room. In my head I sang “Hush Little Baby” as they put me to sleep and when I woke up he was gone. He was only the size of a large strawberry, but he had arms, legs, hands and feet. He had fingers and toes and he was a real baby. Except for those few ultra sounds, I never saw my son. They wouldn’t let me see his remains because the body is often pulled apart during the procedure to extract it. Complete strangers saw my boy, but I never did. We had his remains cremated and put them in a small music box. The box is beautiful. It has a baby duck and lamb playing together. We also purchased a lovely angel in his memory and placed it in a garden dedicated to those who have lost a child. We have no grave to visit, but we treat that garden and angel as if it were holy ground. I felt completely lost. I thought I might die from heart break. Brian just shut down. I screamed and raged and he was silent. Truthfully, if it were not for Meaghan needing a mother, I don’t even know if I would still be around now to write this. I pushed through each terrible day for her. It was very nearly the end of our marriage.

Even MORE Saga!

I was reading over what I have written thus far in my saga and I fear I may be wandering too far off my point. This is not to be a tell-all about my whole life, but instead it is about a specific journey in my life. With that in mind, I hope I will not disappoint you, my dear reader, by not spending the next few entries discussing my wedding and birth of my first child. Those are important events in themselves, but they are not entirely relevant to my tale. What I will say about those blessed moments in my life is this:

Due to the unexpected addition to our relationship, Brian and I married much earlier than planned. I have to say it wasn’t entirely our choice (my parents were very insistent) and I wish sometimes that we had stood firm to wait regardless. Nevertheless, we were married in July. It wasn’t as an extravagant ceremony as my first wedding, but it was nice. Brian’s first marriage had taken place in a court house, so I was determined to give him a real wedding. It took most of our savings, but we managed to pull it off. My friend Beckie was my maid of honor and Barb was my bridesmaid. In hindsight, I wish I had reversed that order. Funny tale – remember that friend Brian brought to Mecca the night I tried to hook him and Barb up? Well his friend (Brian) ended up smitten not by me, nor Barb, but my other friend Beckie! The night of our dual bachelor/bachelorette parties, the two of them became infatuated with one another and disappeared into the night! Fate sure is a tricky beast. As far as I know, they still see each other off and on to this day.

Meaghan was born in December of 1996. Since Brian was working almost an hour away at that time, we had asked Barb to be our emergency substitute in the delivery room. What a sight it must have been for all those snooty Dublin/Upper Arlington mothers-to-be to see the three of us working together in Lamaze class. I think they thought Barb and I were lovers and Brian was the “donor.” LMAO I have to admit I really enjoyed our Lamaze classes…two people rubbing my back and catering to me! What a life! LOL

It turned out that I didn’t really need an emergency backup since Meaghan was induced. Still, Barb was there to witness the miracle of life. (Side note to anyone out there thinking about inviting your friends/family to watch you give birth – they will end up seeing every last detail of your nether regions! Think long and hard about this, ladies.) Naturally we asked her to be our daughter’s Godmother.

And so time went on as it does…Brian and I were the typical first time parents. We thought foolishly that a child did not necessarily mean that we needed to change our life. The baby would just join ours! (Ah…ignorance!) We took her to nice restaurants and to the Gallery Hop. Life, though rather poor, was good.

My gaming group went through a transition at this time as well. Steve, our original GM, moved to the Northwest coast for a job and several other members dropped away. Barb once again proved fruitful in finding us a new group to play with. The three R’s joined my life: Rod, Roger & Russ. We gamed mainly at our new apartment and that important piece of my life remained intact. It would never be the same as my first pack, but I grew to appreciate the new people in our life just the same. They in turn seemed determined to appreciate at least one member of our group in particular – Barb!

Roger and Rod both developed a mad crush on her. It was rather entertaining to watch them fluttering about her. Poor Barb…she did not know what to do with all the attention at times. In the end, Roger gamely bowed out and allowed Rod his chance with her. Knowing how much Barb meant to Roger, I remember thinking how special of a person he really was to do that. As for Rod, he seemed eager for the challenge and I make it no secret that Brian and I were cheering him on. It was always my hope that they would become a couple and even perhaps marry. Rod was just a great guy. He was smart, funny, independent (a.k.a. held a real job and had his own place), warm and caring – and he was a gamer, which of course was critical. He encouraged Barb in ways other guys hadn’t and somehow I just knew he would never take her for granted if given the chance to be with her. I guess you can tell by my use of past tense that it never happened for them. They did date but it never blossomed in the way I hoped it would. She never did tell me why they didn’t make a go of it, but I’m going on the record by saying that it was one of the biggest mistakes Barb has made in her life.

It turns out that she fell for a rat of a guy who lived in Michigan instead. When she met Damien (yes that is his real name) I honestly gave him little thought. I figured it was a passing fancy…a rebound guy. So you can imagine my shock and dismay when she announced that she was going to move to Michigan with him! Who was this person? The Barb I knew did not do things like this – just up and move to a new state with a guy she barely knew. I tried to talk her out of it…maybe that makes me a bad friend, but I knew in my gut that it would be a train wreck in the end. It was…he turned out to be a real jerk that used her and stole her money. After a nightmare trip to Mexico, she dumped him. When she returned to Columbus I assumed it was for good but it turned out to be only a pit stop. It was just the beginning of a journey for her which would take her to Utah and ultimately to Texas as she moved with her sister and her family.

In October of 1997, we gathered at Rod’s place to say good-bye to her. Although I had Brian and Meaghan, somehow I still felt like I huge piece of my life, my heart, was being ripped away from me. It was terrible. I was losing my soul sister and I knew then what I know still today – that I would never find someone else to fill that spot in my life.

She wrote me a letter after arriving in Utah…here is what she said to me:

“I wish my last hours with you were more in high spirits. My heart broke that day. For the first time, I felt it ripping and was helpless. I have never felt such pain. I wanted so much to hug you and plan for future days, but I could not. I wanted to look you in the eye and say, instead of write, that you are my family and best friend and that…I love you. I am sorry I was not strong enough. I may be hundreds of miles away, but you are still my family, my sister. All the miles in the world will not change that. I will always be here for you. That is what family is for. I am, and always will be, your friend.”

I trusted those words because I felt them too. I trusted her because I loved her in the same way. And so I began our long distance friendship never knowing that my life would never be the same as it was that long autumn day in 1997.

The saga continues

By the time that I met (and subsequently fell in love with) Brian, all those carefully contained compartments of my life seemed determined to morph into one big messy space. I was burning my candle at both ends and it was finally getting to a breaking point. My first major decision was to take yet another break from school. I quit working two part-time jobs and got a full-time one at the bank where I met Brian.

Even though I still loved the game of hockey, I was quickly getting burned out by the “social aspects” of it. I decided not to renew my season tickets. My friend Laurie once commented; “The guys (players) seem younger and younger every season.” Actually, it was us that were getting older and so I decided it was time for me to grow up as well. (Besides, there is nothing more tragic than becoming an old hockey ho!) It was very clear after the whole Derek from Dayton debacle that the time had arrived for me to stop hanging out in bars and chasing after guys who had no intention of sticking around. Instead, I decided to focus on relationships that might actually lead to something.

During all of this, I was still gaming but the dynamics had begun to change in that area too. Our GM quit his job at the gaming store where we always hung out and played at, and we moved into the basement of one of our player’s home. We added a new person to the group and that changed the “feel” of our pack in unexpected ways. We continued to play but it seemed to lack the spark it once held. It didn’t help that our GM (Steve) had developed an insane crush on Barb. She just never liked him in that way, however, and that left things a bit strained in our group sometimes. He later came out to us as being gay…which is funny because he was not the first guy to come out of the closet after Barb had rejected them! Yep, Barb “turned” them gay and my exes either joined the Marines or ended up on daytime talk shows. Nice, huh?

Barb and I were still fierce friends and spent much of our time together. Here’s a funny story…I actually tried to play match maker between Brian and Barb. As I mentioned before, I liked Brian but only as a friend and since I never figured that I would be interested in dating him, I thought maybe the two of them might hit it off. He brought his friend (also named Brian) along to Mecca (the hot dance club at the time) and I brought along Barb. They were closer in age and seemed to have similar interest in certain things, but it was obvious once we got to the bar that it wasn’t going to happen. It also became obvious that I was Brian’s object of affection. Man…just think how different my life would be right now had they found each other even a little bit interesting that night! LOL

As our relationship turned from friendship to dating between Brian and I, Barb began to find romance herself. Unfortunately for her, none of them tended to stick. She dated one guy from our gaming circle very briefly and then another gamer who lived out of town. I have to admit, it was really weird to see her with someone. I was so used to it being me and my guy dramas and her – just her. I guess I had gotten used to that and in some ways I admit that I preferred it. I know how that sounds, but Barb was the one constant in my crazy life. Just as Scully said of Mulder, she was my North Star. I could always count on her to help me find my way home. What would I do if that changed?

As it turns out, I didn’t need to worry about change coming from her end (at least not then). Things between Brian and I progressed very quickly. I never thought I would find a guy who wanted the same things I did right off the bat. Who knows why some people click and others don’t, but I believed that Brian and I were meant to find each other when we did. We were both ready and fate brought us into each other’s lives.

Fate – yeah, I’m one of those weird chicks who believe in such things. I wasn’t even supposed to be assigned to the Grove City branch, but at the last minute Key Bank decided to place me there. Had that not happened, I would have never met Brian. It turns out that Brian had only started working there a month earlier actually. He was supposed to move to Louisiana with his friend, but at the last minute it fell through so he got a job with the bank instead. It also turns out that he frequented the bar where I once worked part-time as a hostess. I never noticed him, but Brian told me that he used to go there just to see me. He never had the courage to ask me out and then one day I was gone. Isn’t that freaky?! You can call it coincidence, but in my book that is fate!

From the beginning, Brian showed me that he would do whatever it took to be with me. The poor guy endured sitting through many hockey games and even tried his hand at role playing with my pack just so he could spend time with me. He willingly sat in the back seat so Barb and I could gossip in the front together. He really was a fool in love. :o) Looking back on those first months, Brian must have been out of his mind to stick with me. I was very self-centered at times. It had taken me a long time to ‘find myself’ after my divorce and I was determined not to repeat the same mistake in this new relationship. I’m very lucky that he loved me despite this.

On a magical night atop Mt. Washington overlooking Pittsburgh, Brian asked me to marry him just months into our relationship -- I said yes! Even though everyone felt it was too fast, I went with my gut and jumped into my new future with Brian. I had learned the hard way that time didn’t guarantee a damned thing. I had wasted years with my ex-husband and that had produced nothing but heartache and misery. I decided to listen to my heart. We planned on waiting about a year before we would actually marry, but fate had something else in mind for us – a baby! Within a month or so of announcing our engagement we found out that we were expecting. (That’s right all you skeptical people out there – you know who you are - Brian and I were engaged before we conceived!) Overnight my life basically changed and all my safe little compartments just imploded entirely. It was time to start building a new life…literally & figuratively.

I wouldn't kick this Bond out of my bed...

(This post was written on January 1st, 2007)

2007 – It’s a New Year with a clean slate & a fresh start. That’s the way I like to look at it anyway. Still, I awoke today and it felt like every other day. Actually, when I woke up this morning, I felt one of my dark days coming on…my head felt weird and I just wanted to stay hidden under my covers. For no reason at all I felt like bursting into tears. Brian made me pancakes with fresh sliced bananas. I ate them gratefully but I still wanted to hide. I convinced him to sneak under the covers and snuggle up close to me. Feeling his arm around me in our warm bed made me feel slightly better. Gatsby (our cat) was nice enough to jump up and pile in too. That made it perfect. Brian holding me and me stroking Gatsby’s soft fur helped me cope. Finally I kicked us all out of bed and forced myself to deal with the rest of my day.

I cheated a little bit…I asked my Mom to take the kids off our hands for a couple of hours. Brian and I started off the New Year with a “date.” We went to see the new James Bond film, “Casino Royale.” I must admit that I was hesitant to accept this new Bond. Daniel Craig just didn’t seem to be a Bond man to me. He looked too old, too rough and too blonde! I’m here to admit, however, that I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was awesome…maybe my favorite of all the Bonds! If you haven’t seen this movie yet, stop everything and go!

Casino Royale was an excellent film with lots of man-candy to drool over. God bless the person who decided it was necessary to get Craig and his perfect biceps wet in this film as often as possible. Grrowl! The opening sequence, void of the usual high speed car chase and mid-air explosions, was exhilarating. The whole film seemed more gritty and realistic than previous ones. It was fun watching this ‘prequel’ show us how he got his car and signature drink – but they weren’t afraid to shake things up either. In one of my favorite scenes, a bartender asks Bond whether he would like his martini shaken or stirred – to which our hero declares, “Do I look like I give a shit?” LMAO!

Despite my hesitation, I couldn’t help but love Craig’s version of Bond. He had me at his sexy smirk! Craig’s dark wit won me over instantly. There was no “prissiness” in sight. Plus you’ve got to like a man with an ass like that! Meow! ;o) Don’t worry gentlemen, there are still plenty of “guy things” to like about the movie. Hot girls in very little clothing and hot cars driving fast…the male members in our audience gasped audibly when we first get to see his classic Aston Martin. They also cried out in shared pain when Bond’s new Aston Martin gets totaled – apparently they would have preferred he run over the girl in the street to seeing the gleaming piece of steel marred in anyway. I give it 3 ½ stars out of 4. (It gets a few points shaved off for poor editing near the end of what seemed to be an endless film.) Check it out for yourself; I think you’ll love it too!

I finished my book today! My faithful readers will recall from a previous posting that I had been reading, Maria Headley's “The Year of Yes.” I must admit that I did not fall in love with this book. The main character (the author) was just too into herself to really like or empathize with. Most of the book seemed like an excuse for her to show off her intelligence about obscure literature and plays. Yawn! Yes…you are so great. Whatever! What kept me reading were the parts regarding the men (and a couple of women) she agreed to date in her year of yes. There was an incredible assortment of them. Some stories were humorous and others were kind of sad. I liked being able to learn from the author’s mistakes and gain some perspective about the search for love without having to put myself through a year of yes myself. I was mad that she didn’t end up with Zak too – even though early on in the book you know she doesn’t. Still, I couldn’t help but hope. If you’ve got the patience for her grandstanding and name dropping…you might give it a try (or at least a skim).

I’m finally reading the new “Danse Macabre.” Actually, I’ve been attempting to read this particular book for several months now, but I’m always in the middle of another book and never get to it. I’ve checked it out from the library many times and it always ends up just sitting on my dresser staring at me. (483 pages of “Hey! Did you forget about me up here?”) Enough guilt…I’m on Chapter 3.

Honestly, I don’t know why I’m reading this book. The last two times I read one of LKH’s books, I got so disgusted that I vowed never again to read another word she had written. I even went on her official website and flamed her with my hatred. Yet here I am again…so I guess she got the last laugh. I think it is because I’ve read the previous 13 books in the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter collection, so I feel like I can’t stop now.

It was bad enough that she wrote a series of successful books which basically mirrors the book I’ve been writing forever (note: I had no knowledge of her or her books as I did this so I’m convinced she ripped me off somehow). Now she is just cranking out crap. The characters basically just have sex for ¾ of the book, the remaining ¼ is just filler to make it look like a novel and not just fantasy porn. She stopped writing good stories many books back and now she is just an erotic novelist in my opinion. I can’t even stand the novel’s heroine – Anita. She’s just become this bitchy whore with way too many superpowers. Yet…here I am reading the newest book anyhow. Argh!!!!!!!! Stupid LKH…stupid weak-willed me - only 463 pages to go. Sigh!

Well, it’s time for me to crawl into bed with my sleepy head hubby – it’s almost the 2nd of January now. (Happy Birthday Mom!)

I’ll post again soon.

More saga...

Last time I wrote, I was telling you all about my wild and crazy days as a ‘goalie girl’…it may have seemed irrelevant to the overall story I’m trying to tell, but actually it is important. You see it was through this experience that I decided that I had enough of being the “nobody” next to a “someone”. I had my fill of being some meaningless fling and my heart just couldn’t take being splattered all over the place anymore. I was done with dating – at least, dating without the purpose of a long term relationship.

It was at this time that I started working at Key Bank and met Brian. Brian was in the simplest terms – not my type. He wore glasses, was rather skinny and wore a fedora! He also talked a lot about going to strip bars and such. We had witty banter and he was nice enough, he just wasn’t the guy for me. Besides, I was on what would be my last goalie crush – Derek from Dayton.

I racked up the miles on my car zipping off to watch him play. I really liked him and through much effort had gotten to know him fairly well after the games at this little bar connected to the arena. I even had “my chance” with him when one of his very drunk roommates went in and woke him up…whispering something to him which I assumed meant I was willing and ready. With the lights still off, his roommate literally threw me into Derek’s bed and shut the door with a loud victory yell! I just sat there feeling very awkward. This was not what I had in mind. He never spoke or even moved. I sat there for what felt like an eternity and then just got up and left – my chance was over. See? Had I been the normal hockey slut, I could have gotten my man…silly me and my rules of conduct. I slunk back into the living room in time to see a friend of mine from the area doing a strip tease for a couple of the guys. They motioned me to join in; instead I just drove back to Columbus feeling like a complete loser.

Brian had made me a bet regarding Derek. He knew how much I wanted to date this guy and he told me he was willing to help…if Derek wasn’t my date for New Year’s Eve then he owed me dinner. If the date came through then I owed Brian dinner. I was so focused on Derek that I hardly noticed that perhaps Brian like me. Well, despite the fiasco in his bedroom, Derek did call me and mentioned the team’s New Year’s Eve party. It was an “official” team event – in other words, the players had to be there. I asked him if he’d like to see me there…and he said yes. To me this was a date - boy, was I wrong!

I went all out; manicure, my hair all swept up and held in place by a million bobby pins and a new dress! I showed up and was kindly informed by the team’s equipment manager that Derek was there with a date already – apparently there was at least one guy on the team with a heart and some kind of ethics still intact. I was crushed but determined not to let Derek think he had hurt me. Besides, my friends and I had already paid to get into the crappy party so we went.

I marched up to Derek and presented myself. I wish I could tell you I threw a drink in his face or something dramatic, instead I just said “Nice game, Derek” and ordered a drink. He mumbled a thanks and left to go sit at the team table with his Barbie doll date. I fled to the bathroom in tears. I was humiliated. I felt like the whole team knew what he had done. Were they all laughing at me? Plus I had traveled there with 3 of my friends from Columbus; they had a front-row seat to this embarrassing disaster. I bet they thought I made up my “date” with Derek…but I hadn’t! I felt so stupid and I was uncomfortably aware that I was overdressed and stuck out like a huge loser. In the bathroom, my Dayton friend (the strip teaser) found me and told me that Derek was not worth it. “Go out there and have a great time anyway. That will show him!” I walked out of the bathroom determined to show Derek that I was above his prank. That’s when I ran – literally - into a face from the past: Shane from Cincinnati.

I had met Shane in Columbus. He was one of many players in Columbus for a big camp to try-out for the league. Shane was a nice guy with a good glove hand. I cheered him on loudly and talked up his speed and play around the coaches. Before the camp ended Shane and I had plans to hook up…but when the time came to meet, all I found was his empty hotel room. He had checked out and left no note or anything! I was furious…and now here he was months later staring at me like he couldn’t quite place who I was (which in any other circumstances I would have forgiven because the updo made my hair resemble a small poodle sitting upon my head – so I didn’t exactly look like I did normally.) Poor Shane…I let him have it with double barrels. Maybe I wouldn’t allow myself to dump my anger on Derek, but I had no such problem telling Shane exactly what I though about his disappearing act. I let him have it for every girl who had ever been stood up or humiliated. Any sane person would have ignored me completely and walked away, instead Shane totally surprised me by apologizing. He held up a string of bar tickets and asked me to joining him in a drink – or three. I was so caught off guard that I agreed.

It turns out that Shane was acting as the Dayton team’s emergency back-up goaltender. Their normal guy had been called up to another team for a game or two and they had asked Shane to fill in until he got back. In real life Shane was a contractor (as in drywall) but he loved to play hockey. After our initial bumpy start, we actually had a very nice evening together. It was sweet justice to be brought to the team’s table by Shane as his date for the evening. We sat just a few feet from a stunned looking Derek! (Suck it up baby! HA!!) Dayton’s equipment manager winked at me from across the table. Revenge was very sweet. If there was one person that a goalie felt insecure about, it was his back-up! I couldn’t have planned it better if I had written it out in advance. The equipment manager greeted me at midnight with a kiss on the cheek…and a whisper in my ear; “Derek is so pissed off! You go girl!” It was the beginning of a short-lived affair with Shane the contractor/part-time goalie.

Back in Columbus, Brian owed me a dinner. Little did I know that it would be Brian who would steal my heart away & convince me to hang up the ol'goalie obsession for good.