What will they think of next?

I just watched this cool You Tube video about a blog where people can report camera/memory sticks that they have found and want to return to their lost owners!

The blog can be found at: http://ifoundyourcamera.blogspot.com/

Check it out!

Reality bites...

Well, it took about 4 days for reality to crush me. I woke up from a dead sleep at 6AM Tuesday feeling as if an anvil were crushing my chest. It was my ex-mistress “anxiety” poking her ugly face into the world again. I tried some “meaningful breathing” that I’ve been learning in yoga, got up and got something to drink and tried to trick my body into submission – but in the end I reached for a Xanax.

Brian’s Monday interview did not go nearly as well as we assumed it might. Turns out the guy didn’t even have permission to hire a new full-time person yet! We are still waiting to hear back from him. I think that really deflated our hopes. I could see the disappointment all over Brian’s face when he walked in the door. It was then that I got worried too. This isn’t a bad dream with a quick fix ending…this isn’t some weird long weekend where Brian was going to go back to work the next day. I feel that crushing sensation fill my torso even as I write this.

Having Brian home has been a strain. I’m not used to it; nor is he. Brian is one of those get up early & get to work type of people…whereas I am all about staying up late, rising late and hitting my stride about 1PM. I had a comfortable routine and now that has all gone to shit. That’s not to say it is an entirely bad thing to have my routine shaken up…it is just something I need to get used too. I like having my husband around. I like having someone to talk too and drive around with to get errands run. I like having access to the car again! I just wish it were all under much different circumstances. I can’t believe that just this time last week, we had a positive plan in motion – now I feel like I’m about to drown.

I’ve been going about my days as planned…actually getting more done than anticipated because Brian and the car is here. I’m living life like Brian is on vacation or something. I know that he isn’t, but I’m not yet ready to concede to what I know. I feel a lot of pressure to stop my “planned activities” and do something else…like start a job search of my own! Yet, I am not even ready to start down that path.

Yesterday we spent 3 hours at Children’s Hospital with Brandon. He had his 3 month diabetes check-up. His A1C was 8.9% - which is high. He is supposed to be 5-8. The whole time we were there, I alternately obsessed over how many high glucose days he’s had in the past few months and how our insurance was going to expire in a month. We talked to the nutritionist about adjusting Brandon’s diet. We are switching to a carb to insulin ratio of 12/1 instead of 15/1 too. Hopefully that will help. I’m waiting to hear back from social worker to talk to her about the insurance issue. We only have BCMH (Bureau of Children with Medical Handicaps) state insurance coverage through April. I’ve re-applied but haven’t heard back yet. Now I wonder if I’m going to have to re-reapply because of this situation. Keeping Brandon insured is not an option.

I’m worried about my prescriptions too. I take 3 pills a day. I cannot miss these pills or I go all “Incredible Hulk”. LOL Seriously…you wouldn’t like me without my “crazy” pills. How can afford these?

STRESS!!!!!!

I did see something which I considered hilarious…I was at Krogers and saw a big display in the Easter candy aisle for a new candy bar. I walked over and there was some NASCAR drivers face smiling up at me with “BIG MO'” screaming off its label! OMG! How fucking funny is that?? What kind of agent does this guy have? Hey! Let’s get you your own candy bar and we will call it “BIG MO'”. I’m sure it has something to do with his name or catch phrase, but in print it just ends up looking like he is coming out of the closet in a major way. LMAO! I think I should buy a huge case and pass them out at Pride.

Two other good things happened this week – I finally mailed in the check and paperwork for SpeakOUT’s Articles of Incorporation to the Secretary of State! Yippee! That means we will (hopefully) be all legit very soon. I also stumbled upon a scholarship through Abbot (a drug company) to pay up to $600 for diabetes camp. Brandon wants to go to the overnight 4-day camp this year and it costs $350. Abbot picks 100 campers to help – so keep your fingers crossed that he is one of them.

I’m also happy because Brian and I have been scouring the stores for affordable but nice drinking glasses…well we finally found them at Crate & Barrel. We bought 12 (in 3 styles like juice, tumbler & regular) for under $16. We also went to Wal*mart and bought 3 new mini-blinds to replace the ones we had which the kids had tore up. OK – I know, we shouldn’t be buying anything we don’t really need right now. Yet it made me feel slightly better to do so. Like the world wasn’t going to end if I spent $10 on mini-blinds like we had planned on before the lay off. Please don’t scold me.

I need to get off here…we actually have to run up to Brian’s old work because we have 100s of boxes of Girl Scout cookies sitting in our kitchen which the employees of EMH&T had bought before Brian got laid off. I can’t imagine this is something Brian wants to deal with – so I’m going with him. I hope we can get it done quickly.

House of cards...

Today my life went “poof’ in a matter of moments…all the delicate pieces of my world collapsed like a house of cards. This morning my husband got up at 5:30AM like he always does, took his shower, kissed me on the cheek and left for work…at 8:15AM he was back with a packet of papers in his hand. After 11 years of being an outstanding, hard-working employee of EMH&T, he was let go. 24 other people were also let go – due to down-sizing. EMH&T’s biggest clients are MI Homes and Dominion Homes, and since the housing market is in the gutter so (apparently) are EMH&T’s profits.

The layoff came as a complete surprise. I was foolish to think that Brian would be safe from such actions because he has worked there for so long and has always received excellent reviews. The problem is he was there so long that it was cheaper to fire him and keep the new, part-time worker. He works much harder than his supervisor, but his supervisor is a “company man” who sucks-up to the right people…so Brian had to go.

I’m still in shock. Our whole life centered on Brian having a job, insurance and benefits. Now we have only until March 31st before our insurance disappears…but our son will still have a life-long disease. I’m worried about any new insurance covering his diabetes care – because it is a pre-existing condition. We might have to wait a year before a new company’s insurance will cover his treatments. This is my biggest worry.

They gave Brian a month’s pay in severance. So we will be OK for awhile, but the only savings we have is what is left of our tax refund. I’ve got so many things running through my head now – I don’t know what to do. I told Brian to roll his 401K into our other account. He thought about cashing it out with a penalty, but he is in his mid-forties and I think we would be smarter to roll it over instead.

There is a piece of good news. He already has an interview on Monday. Turns out that the manager at Atlas Blueprints found out about Brian being out of a job and he wants to see if Brian might work there. Brian knows this manager fairly well and he would be doing the same basic job…but they already told him that they are not sure they could start him at his previous wage. Brian made most of his money working OT at EMH&T, so if there is no OT at Atlas and they couldn’t pay him the same wage – well, we don’t know if he can accept the offer. In this terrible business climate, however, can we afford not to say yes?! I’m also worried that Brian will say yes to this job just to have a paycheck…but without thinking about whether he really wants to do the same work again. I want him to do what is best for him and for us. If he has to be without his job, I want him to be happy at his new job.

That also leaves me with the question – do I go get a job instead and let Brian feel out what he wants? Do we go ahead and buy the second car we planned on buying so we can both work – as we planned? Who’s going to give us a car loan with Brian starting at a new company so soon? Are we just plain fucked?

I’m also wondering if this is not exactly what we needed to happen…now we have nothing to tie us here. We could move like we’ve talked about. Is this a blessing in disguise? Will we be throwing away “our chance” if he jumps at the first offer?

So there you have it: lots of questions, and no easy answers. I feel completely lost. I’m standing in a sinking boat with only a juice glass to bail the water out. What’s going to happen to my family now?

My life as a Domestic Goddess...

I’m feeling very disconnected this week…like I’ve forgotten something important. I think it is just left over energy from my super busy week last week. Don’t get me wrong though - I’m certainly glad for the break! Instead of working non-stop on gay advocacy, this week I’m catching up on all things domestic. I swear my laundry has been reproducing at a rabbit’s pace. LOL

I even braved my daughter’s room yesterday and cleaned it from top to bottom. I have to admit though that I chose this deplorable task because I could also watch a DVD from the library while doing it! So while I bravely reached under her bed and behind her book case, I was watching Pride & Prejudice – the Keira Knightley version from 2005. I really enjoyed it – that Jane Austin knows how to write! It certainly was no Sense & Sensibility, but I would still recommend it. In fact, if you were to watch nothing but the very last scene in the film - which is so ridiculously romantic that it will turn your heart and brain to mush - it will be worth your time! (Oh to be so adored as these women…) These movies make me laugh though. What women in her right mind would want to live in such an era? Your sole purpose is to marry well-off…and whenever there is a gentlemen caller, every woman in the house scurries to her position in the parlor to appear that all she does is cross-stitch her life away. LMAO

Back in the 21st century: I had to attend my son’s parent/teacher conference last night. Brandon is a very smart and curious little boy – but he is also unfocused and deadlines mean little in his world. He is also a chatter box! I decided to bring him to the conference this time so we could ask for his input on how to fix problems (like not turning in his homework). I don’t think it really helped. He just talked and talked about all sorts of random things. I don’t particularly feel that his teacher is the right one for him. She is very hands-off. The students decide which homework assignment to tackle, which words to study for their test and so forth. I think Brandon really needs more structure; which means I might ask that he be moved to a new room next year. Since he is in a multi-aged setting, this is not something that happens often. He is expected to be with the same teacher for 2 years.

We received our tax refund. It is such a relief to see money in our bank account again. Brian has (deservedly) been reaping the rewards. We went and bought him new glasses, new shoes and jeans. He has had the same glasses for 12 years! We splurged and bought him a pair of prescription sunglasses too. He is very excited to get them in about a week or so. I was a lucky recipient too – I replaced my old jacket with a new one. I had saved and saved to buy my old one. It was an Anne Klein pink, wool pea coat that was at Macy’s. I loved it! However, it being my only coat, I wore it to shreds. The outside looked OK, but the lining was just shredded! I bought a very similar one (same maker/style) but this one has a hood and is white. White! I think it looks very luxurious and stylish…but I’m the biggest klutz and I worry about the color. I bought it anyway and at a fantastic price ($48 including tax – marked down from $100). I hugged my old coat before tossing it…it was a good coat.

Now we get to focus on getting me a car. I dread the whole process – our credit isn’t sterling and this will be the first time we have to apply on our own…no co-signer. I can’t wait to have my own car again though! It will be a very happy day indeed.

Well, I need to get back to my new mistress – the laundry! Hope you are enjoying the beautiful snow.

DVD Worth your time: Fade to Red - The Tori Amos Video Collection

A peaceful day...

I had my first Hatha yoga class this morning and – surprise- I didn’t hate it! Actually, I kind of liked it. I must admit that I had total body image issues before I arrived…I figured I’d be the oldest and most out of shape person there (wrong on both counts). I also figured the class would be filled with beautiful lesbians who would treat it as a place to pick up a new girlfriend or something – far from the reality. I was also afraid that I wouldn’t be any good at it – but I think I did pretty well actually. I’m not trying to get ahead of myself, I mean this was only the first class and I’m sure it gets harder, but I felt really good about myself when I walked out of there today! I even allowed Brian to buy me a beginning yoga mat, block, strap and DVD combo at Dick’s Sporting Goods afterward. It made me kind of giddy actually. LOL I felt pampered – which is a feeling I haven’t had in a long time.

Our SpeakOUT meeting went really well too. I managed to talk one person from my yoga class to stop in and two others who read about our group in The Other Paper joined us unexpectedly. I really felt prepared for the meeting and our guest speaker made a good connection with everyone. Today I feel really proud of myself and SpeakOUT. I did a kick ass job of being a gay activist this week – gathering a total of 94 signatures to create a new statewide bill for non-discrimination in hiring/firing/housing, gathering almost 100 signatures for a petition to ban “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” and speaking with well over 100 people this week about gay rights in general. Whew! Imagine if I got paid to do this full time?!

I found out this past week that two original staff members of Equality Ohio have turned in their resignations! Both Bo S. and Andrea W. are quitting at the same time…wow! Executive Director of EO said there were “no issues” in a statement to the local gay paper, but who is she kidding? Neither has a new position waiting for them or plans that they are telling anyone. Plus, it is only a couple of months until EO’s biggest event of the year – Lobby Day! Something stinks…but I haven’t uncovered the right person (yet) to find out what really happened. They’ve probably been told to keep their mouths shut – as I was when I didn’t agree with some things they did(n’t) when we were working together.

Saturday was a good day…I only hope the next two days go as nicely. At least Sunday brings with it new television: the all-new Knight Rider and a new episode of Brothers & Sisters. I don’t know about this new Knight Rider…I was a huge geek over the original. In fact, I even had my photo taken with the original KITT! That’s right – eat your heart out! LOL I should find that photo and scan it so I can share it (and my terrible hair) with you all. Maybe I will! LOL That reminds me: I also saw a crew filming a never seen TV movie of Knight Rider while I was in San Antonio years ago. KITT was red! I saw one zooming through the streets and another one was partially submerged in a big fountain near an office building. I looked for it to be released, but as far as I know it never was. Anyhow, I recently tried to watch the original TV show and it was just God-awful! I don’t expect this new version to be any better. If you watch it, please let me know what you think of it.

It’s late – so I’m off to bed. Oh! I’m sick of pills!!! So I decided to cut myself off (cold turkey) from the over the counter sleep aides I normally take each night. This is the 5th day straight that I haven’t taken them before bed. It has come with mixed results, but I think that I’m sleeping about the same amount regardless. It still takes me an hour to fall asleep and I still wake up all the time. The biggest difference comes in the morning…I don’t wake up with an upset stomach now and I don’t feel groggy all morning. I guess that is progress.

New Indiana Jones trailer...

The new Indiana Jones sneak trailer is out! If you haven't seen it yet, visit:

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/indianajones.html?showVideo=1

Indy is looking a bit grey about the edges, and he looks a bit more worn than before...but I still can't wait to go see this on May 22!

Sorry I haven't been writing much of late...my stupid internet connection has been spotty at best. Hopefully we will get that all cleared up soon and then I'll be back to posting rather regularly.

I've been super busy the past couple of weeks. Seems like everything is happening at once in my life! This week alone I traveled to Urbana University to host a table regarding a state wide law on fair hiring, firing, and housing practises. We spoke to 83 people and 73 agreed to sign our petition! That is outstanding...especially for such a small place. This earned our group $100!

Today I spoke at Ohio Dominican University about being an "out" ally. I got really good feedback from that and 11 of them even signed my petition there. This earned me $25/SpeakOUT $25. Not too shabby...

Now I'm preparing myself for a long weekend. The kids are off school tomorrow and Monday. Meaghan is going to a Cheerleader clinic for half the day tomorrow...which means I will be getting up very early again to have access to the car. Sigh! SOON we will be a 2 car family again. I hope we can afford the gas! LOL

Saturday I start my yoga class. I really want to like it, but I'm pretty grouchy about having to get up early for 6 straight Saturdays. ;o) We also have our SpeakOUT meeting on Saturday - rush, rush, rush. I think I need a vacation.

Until then...have a Happy Valentines (if you are coupled) or tell Cupid to 'Stick It' & be as bitter as you like (if you don't)!

PostSecret - A Valentine Video

Post Secret can do no wrong...Happy Valentines Day!

Loosing My Identity...

Recently I sat in on a panel of “non traditional” families which consisted of two lesbian families, a MTF transgender family and me. We were there to discuss our unique living situations and our points of view on what it meant to be a family. It was a very interesting evening which ultimately revealed what I already knew to be true – that though the outside package might look different, we all share the same struggles and hopes as parents and spouses.

Something interesting happened to me that evening, however. During the course of the panel, the moderator asked a question which dealt with comparing our families to the “normal” family dynamic. The moderator turned to me at this point, and with a smile added, “Your family doesn’t count.” It seems that my heterosexual identity and family life has been taken over by my work as a gay activist; my family has been labeled and re-categorized as being “out of the normal” dynamic. This has happened to me on several occasions within different conversations. I find myself being excluded in the collective “they” when referring to the straight community, and instead I’m seen as part of the “we” which refers to the queer community.

But am I - really?

Over the past five years, I have been reminded of “my place” within the queer community. Despite my obvious dedication, intelligence on the subject and unrelenting work for GLBT equality, I have hit the “rainbow ceiling” on numerous occasions. Upon applying for a job at a GLBT organization, I was asked during my interview what I would suggest telling those who would be opposed to hiring a straight person over one who identified as GLBT instead. After all, there would be those would voice their opinion that straight people shouldn’t take the few jobs in which GLBT individuals could gain employment in a supportive atmosphere.

It was a realistic question, but it was one that smacked of irony considering that the organization supposedly did not discriminate when it came to sexual identity or orientation. I reminded them of this policy and recommended them to remind those who might oppose my hiring of it…and the fact that if hired, I was obviously the best candidate for the position. Still, I am not naive. I knew going into that interview that my sexual orientation would be a serious obstacle. An intern for that same organization had told me to my face that while she “appreciated” my interest and work; that straight people shouldn’t work at gay organizations - period. “They will never know what it is like to be gay and cannot relate to us.”

I look at other GLBT organizations in my area and I know that there are straight people working for “gay” organizations…yet, I am also careful to acknowledge the limited roles that they are allowed to serve their employers. Having a straight receptionist, for example, isn’t the same thing as hiring a straight person whose job duties include writing policy, deciding on yearly activities and having equal involvement in the organization -but if you were to ask those organizations, I bet it counts to them. They have their token heterosexual.

I’ve faced more discrimination based on my sexual orientation within the GLBT community beyond that. A person on the top tier of GLBT advocacy in our area recommended me to the director of the Pride Leadership program which is being conducted by the United Way and Macy Foundation. This person felt I would be a good candidate to apply for a spot in this program, but I was rejected from applying because I identify as heterosexual. Perhaps I should have identified as “queer” instead? Would it have mattered, I wonder?

Don’t they know that “I don’t count?”

On the flip side, there is the reality that I have been re-classified and labeled as “out of the social norm” by my peers in the straight community as well. Beyond having been ostracized by members of my own family, I have faced discrimination by conservative employers. During one memorable meeting, my now former boss decided it was his place to point out that my “opinions” in general couldn’t be accepted because I was so liberal and extreme in my private life. I’ve had neighbors call my husband a “faggot” (for some reason, he is always the one who gets labeled the “gay one”), children have written “homo” in chalk in front of our house and our kids get asked which of their parents are gay because we have pride stickers on our car.

The straight community doesn’t know what to do with us…and the queer community will only accept us within limits. In some ways, I feel that I could closely identify with the bisexual community…not completely welcome or trusted on either side. So where does that leave me? This situation reminds me of going to my first gay bar. I was welcome to come inside and join everyone on the dance floor – but I was not welcome in the “back room” and I was the only one getting charged for a cup of water.

It also reminds me of the episode of Sex in the City where the normally conservative Charlotte finds herself unexpectedly welcomed into the NY lesbian scene. Charlotte loves her new friends and surroundings until she is uniformly stripped of her new “lesbian chic by acquaintance” label by a lesbian who tells her she’s not a lesbian unless she eats pussy. Charlotte, who does not easy pussy, gets labeled a poser and finds herself shunned. Ultimately she does the walk of shame back to her “real place” in society.

This is a strange place to be…or not be, as the case may be. I admit to being proud to be considered “an honorary gay person.” I’ve worked hard to be accepted. Yet it is very disheartening whenever I run into that invisible fence which is always there to remind me of my place. It worries me too that I’m spending my life trying to get the straight community to see and treat the GLBT community as equals, but yet I let it slide when GLBT individuals vilify the straight community as a whole. They feel empowered to make such declarations around me, because “I don’t count.” I don’t want to lose their respect or trust so I don’t reprimand them for their error…who’s the winner in that scenario?

What happens when they realize that I’m not in closet and I don’t eat pussy? Will I ever be welcomed back to my “real place” in society or am I forever lost in that invisible place somewhere in between?