The not so sad passing of 2007...

So here it is – New Year’s Eve (NYE) 2007. In my younger days, I would have been out on the town this evening - forking over way too much money for the privilege of swigging cheap champagne with a bunch of strangers at some bar. A few years back, however, the hubby and I relented to the reality that we are parents now and therefore started celebrating NYE as a family…which means overly tired kids and Dick Clark on the tube. Woo hoo! What used to be a fun night has turned into just another night in…yawn. Honestly, I don’t even think I’ll probably stay up this year.

What NYE means to me now is a time of reflection on the year which is passing. It also brings with it about a week’s worth of nesting; Purge! Organize! Clean! It’s sort of like the second trimester of pregnancy without the stretch marks. :o) I’ve definitely been struck by the nesting bug this year. We are knee deep in several projects – including changing the kid’s rooms around. It’s been a very productive time around the house – Brian’s actually tackled the “Honey Do” list, and we are finding many “lost” items. We’ve already made about 3 trips to the recycling center, and I am certain there will be at least 3 more before we are done. Nothing is safe – closets, under the bed, under the sink!

The bad thing about this “nesting” phase is that it leaves me with a huge wish list. New rugs for the kitchen, clothes to replace those we outgrew over the year, and so forth. This long list will remain untouched for at least the next month or so…as we are dirt poor. No, that’s not a figure of speech…we really are very poor. I try not to let that and the many unpaid bills freak me out on a daily basis – but there is no getting around it. Reality sucks!

So that brings me to the first part about NYE – the reflection…2007 was not a banner year for our family. In fact, it pretty much sucked. We are just as poor this year as we were this time last year – actually, we are worst off than last year. We never got that new car and I never got that new job as a result. My depression is worst now than then too. My relationship with my father has gone from poor to basically non-existent. My family seems to be stuck in a very bad rut…running the same track over and over.

In 2007, I lost more friends than I gained. Gone: Steve C. (and my game), Thad & Julia (and with them sweet little Ari) and Jessie. Steve chose to end things with me after a bad gaming session – that was upsetting but not earth shattering. We just didn’t click I guess. Thad & Julia are technically not “gone” just MIA. I write them and they don’t reply – but every now and then I get an email to game. So I guess I’m moving them into the acquaintance category. Jessie was a surprise…I really thought she and I were on the fast track to BFF land! I ended this friendship (very recently) though because she had a built a history of flaking out on me and hurting my feelings in the process. I don’t think we had a healthy relationship and for that reason I decided for my own mental health that I needed to walk away. She is the truly the one person I will miss. She moved away to a new state anyhow, so it was probably only a matter of time before she left my life anyway.

On the upside, in the year 2007 I created my MySpace page – which I enjoy playing with. Through MySpace, I’ve met a couple of nice people with whom I write fairly often. It makes life a bit less lonely. An old friend, Regina, came back into my life with the wonderful addition of sweet Xander. It is nice to talk with Regina again – now that she is married and a mom, maybe we will have more in common than just our past. Brian and I got to see two plays this year – Wicked & Spamalot. I rediscovered my love for Weird Al music when I went to see him in concert at the Ohio State Fair with Jessie. I also discovered how much I love the show, House and its leading man Hugh Laurie.

I’m sure there is more to be happy about but I honestly cannot think of any at this time. I’ll be happy to say good-bye to 2007. I hope it gets kicked in the ass by the door on its way out! I’m cautious about thinking of 2008. I hope it marks a change in our lives – I hope that it is a good thing for once. We wanted to move to Oregon this summer but I doubt that is realistic. I can only be sure of one thing – I must create a better life for myself. No one should be this unhappy for this long.

Here’s to 2008…let the sunshine in!

This is how I feel most everyday...

A sad evening...

A quick post: I just came back from a holiday memorial in honor of those who have lost a child during pregnancy, or soon after. Long time readers will know that we lost our first son, Jacob, back in 1998 due to complications from a partial molar pregnancy.

Every December, the Lost Child Support Group holds a Holiday Memorial Service. It is very important to me to attend this event for two specific reasons:

1) It gives me a chance to say my son's name outloud, and to receive a special Christmas ornament in his honor for our tree.

2) It gives me a special moment in the busy holiday season to remember my son, who would have been born on Dec. 22nd. Jacob would have been nine this year.

I won't lie - it is a very sad affair. I always feel miserable afterward...so I guess some people would say going to it is not so bright. Yet, I feel it is my duty as his mother to never miss it. This year I went alone because it always makes my daughter sad and Brian just goes for my sake anyhow. Brandon just likes the punch and cookies afterward. It felt weird sitting all alone in the chapel. I wanted my family there with me, but I also knew they were happier being at home. That is sort of how I must deal with my grief regarding Jacob - I handle it alone, and try to make life more enjoyable for everyone else even if I am sad or down.

I try to think logically - if Jacob had survived to birth, he would have died soon after...and he would have had many birth defects. But my heart can't "think" logically. I saw Jacob on the ultra-sound - saw his tiny arms and legs moving. I counted all 4 parts of his heart...and saw his brain. I even heard my son's heartbeat. He was a real child and I lost him.

Nine years is a long time - but my heart still misses him. Christmas is really hard - but life must move forward and I must focus on my living children for now. Someday I will be with Jacob again - as for tonight, I will think of him and send him kisses.

Song of memorial for my son: 1,000 Oceans by Tori Amos

In the zone...

I did it! I made it through what I affectionately dubbed "Hell Week"! I wasn't sure I would, but here I am on the other side and still pretty much in one piece. :o) Last week I basically had something to do or some place to go every single evening - and most all of it included one or both my kids.

Wednesday, I finally bought the kids all the appropriate dress clothes and shoes so I could take their holiday photos. I was pleased with the end product. But everyone will have to wait until the 18th for me to complete my Christmas cards - because that is when the photos will be ready. At least the pictures are taken and the cards & stamps have been purchased! (Something I couldn't say a week ago...) Then I stayed up until midnight baking brownies for my daughter to take to school because...

Thursday was my daughter's 11th birthday. We got her a DVD for her room. I was against it originally, I didn't have my own TV (let alone a DVD player) until I was 16!!, but after considering that she could now watch High School Musical until her eyes bleed - all in the seclusion of her own room - well, that did appeal to me! LOL So we got her one - but then ended up having to by some adapter on top of the cost of the player...long story short is that her "cheap" DVD player ended up costing us $42. Grrr.

Thursday, I also went on a class field trip with my son Brandon. Even thought it was only about 28 degrees outside and snowing, we still marched around Ohio Village and learned all about different holiday traditions. I always have to accompany Brandon on school trips because of his diabetes. This year I was also watching over the other diabetic student in his class. Both the boys were good, however, and we had no issues. I was reminded, though, how much I hate the school bus. I don't know how those drivers can stand the constant noise...I'd go postal!

Saturday, Meg had her first ever cello recital. So I got her all dressed up and she did a nice job. She has only been playing for 3 months now - so they didn't use their bow...just plucked the strings. Still, I was beaming with pride.

Sunday was Meg's birthday party at Skate Zone 71. I had 9 roller skating divas for 2 1/2 hours. It actually went very smoothly - and I couldn't help but be pleased that the party had cost me "nothing". Meg had won this party package back at the Easter gathering for CODA (Central Ohio Diabetes Association). So we got a $120 birthday party for free! Of course, nothing is free and after I got home I sat down with all the receipts (for the cake, gift bags, gifts) and it turns out our "free" party cost me $121! Yikes....I thought I was being thrifty too!

This week promises to be busy too - but it will be a picnic (I hope) compared to last week. Tomorrow I have to take Meg & Brandon to the Hannah Montana concert! Can't wait to share all about that...

Current Obsession: All things Hugh Laurie.

Band From TV - Hugh Laurie

Who doesn't love Hugh Laurie?!

Skating on Thin Ice...

This past weekend, the Central Ohio Diabetes Assoc. (CODA) held their annual holiday party at the Chiller Ice rink up at Easton. My kids like this gathering in particular because they get to ice skate and make sugar cookies. Santa was even on the ice this time - which was kind of cool, but also silly. Brandon was not fooled by this "fake" - but he still waited to get his photo taken with the dude. Guess he is hedging his bets at this late stage in the holiday season. LOL

It was at the event that a women whom I've spoken to at many other CODA events turned out to be a clueless moron. We were discussing a recent front page article on diabetes. The reporter basically went with the "fat & lazy" stereotypes that haunt those with diabetes. The reporter didn't even bother to mention Type 1 diabetes (Juvenille Diabetes), the kind my son has. I was so ticked off that I wrote a letter to the editor. This woman then pipes up that in her opinion kids don't need the "publicity" as much as the elderly do. "Kids get all the medical help they need - while the elderly do not." I was able to keep my mouth from dropping open from shock, but I wasn't able to bite my tongue and not make a remark about her opinion.

OK - first of all, I did agree that the elderly need assistance. My grandfather is a type 2 diabetic and is a mess. He and my grandmother need more federal/state help when it comes to medical care...BUT I couldn't get past the obvious socio-economic snobbery coming out of her mouth. I said, "Well, you mean the kids in THIS room get all the medical help they need...what about everyone else?" I went on to inform her that low income families, and the working poor, are not getting the proper care that those of us with insurance get. I reminded her that even those of us with insurance are overwhelmed at the cost of diabetes care and that sometimes people have to make hard choices about what to spend their money on. She got all snotty with me and informed me that there are very few states in this country that doesn't offer health care of some sort to kids...but apparently she equates a visit to a state run clinic as equal to her visit to the endocrinologist specialist she visits with her child. I told her (in front of a room full of people mind you) that she was mistaken if she thought the process to find that help was easy to navigate and that there are some out there that are left behind as a result. I told her we must advocate for children - and the elderly.

I looked around that room and saw a bunch of Lexus-driving, white suburbanites. There were three people of color there - an Indian couple and an African American man who looked very uncomfortable in the opposite corner of the room. Where were the poor black families? The hispanics? To look at that crowd, you'd think only white kids get Type 1 diabetes. I wondered if this woman had ever been off the 270 loop? I realized right then and there that these were "not my people"...and I did not belong in their neat, orderly world. I cannot relate to them - except with the fact that our children have the same disease.


As a follow-up to my last posting, I did manage to get most everything done on my list. In short - I kicked ass! LOL My giraffe rocked - I hope to post a photo soon. Brandon's costume looked great and he was adorable in the play. (He actually break-danced!) He also danced with this girl, Emily, who has had a crush on him since kindergarten. Her mother and I always joke that they will get married one day. It was cute to see them dance together.

Meg's birthday is this week - and believe me she hasn't let me forget it for a single moment. I'll be glad when it is all over.

Random Fact: My 7 1/2 year old son has a size 5 1/2 men's shoe size!!!!!!!!