Sweet baby of mine...

“These tears I’ve cried - I’ve cried 1,000 oceans.
And I would cry a thousand more to sail you home to me.”
~ “1,000 Oceans” by Tori Amos

Nine years ago today a little baby’s heart stopped beating in my womb…and with his death went the many dreams I had for him. I knew him, my tiny angel, so briefly…but even though he was tiny in size, my love for him was a large as the galaxy above. On a black and white screen, I saw my son moving his little arms and legs…I saw and heard the fast flutter of his heart beat and I tasted those special salty tears that mothers only shed upon the first sight of their child. That memory is burned into my mind – but it went too fast in the harsh light of reality. Now he is there and I am here. Even if no one else remembers…I do. Today all those many years ago I lost my boy…Jacob Wm. Riley. I can only dream of the day I will finally hold him in my arms and smell the sweetness of his skin and hair. Yet, I know one day I will. The world might keep turning…it might heal itself and move on…but I will never forget this day. How could I forget the day a piece of my heart died? I will never forget you sweet child. Watch over me until the day we can be together once more.

Mommy loves you…

Where has the time gone?

Time keeps slipping through my fingers! I cannot believe it has been so long since my last posting. Soon my contract work will be finished with Equality Ohio and then I will have a bit more spare time to write on a continuous basis. Of course, there are only 4 more weeks left of school for the kids…so, who really knows if I’ll have more time or not?! LOL

So much has been going on…like I mentioned, I’ve been busy working on Lobby Day. I am ¾ of the way finished. It is easy work – just calling the senator and house of representative offices and scheduling appointments. It is repetitive though, and not everyone is as helpful as I’d like. If I get 100% of the appointments made then I get a pretty nice bonus, so I’m working hard to make that happen. The Lobby Day is next Wednesday. It will be nice to get that over with.

The best news is that last Friday I got a letter in the mail which was a notice of dismissal for the never-ending court drama regarding that collection agency. Yes! They are dismissing their case against me! It was such a wonderful day. Perhaps, I say with cautious optimism, it is finally over.

I’ve been keeping busy with SpeakOUT. We had another marriage panel on the campus of CCAD. It was a small crowd, but still worth it. Their Dean of Students showed up and wrote us a thank you follow-up email. I was very pleased with that. After next week’s Lobby Day, we have two info pass outs (one in Grandview and the other in the Short North) before Pride will be here. After that I am taking a well deserved month off! I’m still going in circles in my head over what to do with the group. I have been given a good offer by Equality Ohio to serve on their board, but it would mean letting go of the group. It is a hard choice. All I can say with certainty is that I am tired – worn out – by it all.

Brian and I are going to see Cyndi Lauper in June! Her HRC True Colors tour will be coming through town and he told me to go ahead and get the tickets. Yippee! I didn’t think he would agree…but I’m so glad he did. It will be a great concert. Debbie Harry, Erasure and the Dresden Dolls are playing as well.

We are getting our tickets to see Wicked this week too. (I hope!) The seats are going fast. After that, we will not be at our limit for money. No more treats…but that is OK.

I couldn’t believe it – the E.D. of Stonewall Columbus (SWC) actually sent me an email asking me to set up an account for a fundraiser which benefits Stonewall! Apparently SWC doesn’t need allies, or an ally group, but they will be happy to take our money! (Like we didn’t already know that from past experience!) I was so mad! That takes a lot of nerve. I didn’t reply and I didn’t do what she asked – but I didn’t tell her off like I wanted too. I just couldn’t believe her. Whatever…

I was also in tears over the fact that The Advocate published an editorial taking Larry Kramer’s side regarding how “straights hate gays” (see my former post; “Me vs. the founder of Act Up”). What a bunch of fucking crap! They “honor” straight people all the time for their work in the GLBT community…yet there was the editorial backing Kramer. Hypocrites! I cannot stand it. It was a very low moment for me. It is my worst fears confirmed – that to my face its all “thank you” and “you’re the best”, but behind my back lingers the resentments and real truth that I’m not welcomed or wanted in the community. Couple that with the recent SWC crap and I just don’t know why I put myself through it all sometimes. Is this really how the majority of gays feel? Am I wasting my time? Should I be working this hard for a cause which doesn’t want my help? Maybe I should devote my time to diabetes funding/research instead.

Well, I need to get up to the library to post this. So – for now – that is it. I’ll chat more soon.

DVD worth the rental fee: “Memoirs of a Geisha” OK! I know this is not a new rental, but I finally sat down and watched it. Fantastic! I only wish they had more of the fancy geisha moments (like the fan dancing and so forth). It was beautiful and sad all at once. Bonus…I was prepared for an unfulfilling ending – but didn’t get it! :o)

Goodbye Stars Hallow: They finally announced that Gilmore Girls will not return next season. I have to say it surprised me, but it is the right decision. GG hasn’t been up to snuff in a couple of seasons. I only watch it now because I’ve watched all the other seasons. I’ll miss the show, but luckily I have seasons 1-4 on DVD to keep me warm on rainy nights.

Latest Guilty Pleasure: Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend” – favorite lyric: “You know I’m damned precious and hell yeah, I’m the mother-fucking princess!” I’ll admit it…I bought the CD!

4 Days and counting…since Spiderman 3 came out and I STILL haven’t seen it!! I think I may go insane…