A-ha moment...the Oprah kind not the 80's band:

I saw this on Post Secret today...

Seeing it finally made me decide that when I write my book, I won't waste my dedication page - as this person plans too -on a person who hurt me.

Instead, I will celebrate my accomplishment in spite of her cruelty. She is but a mere ghost to me now, so why would I want to immortalize her?

The only person who can ruin your life is you.

Funny - but for no real reason...

"ShamWow Guy Busted for Allegedly Beating a Prostitute"

The Shamwow pitchman, Vince Shlomi, reportedly hit Shasha Harris after she bit his tongue. Both parties sustained injuries.

Guess she wasn't "wowed"...hope he had his Shamwow to wipe up the blood.

Strictly for the kiddies...

Tonight we took the kids to see the touring production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang at the Ohio Theatre. We try to make an effort to get the kids to the theatre at least once a year and this one seemed perfect. We all love the movie version and the kids would already know much of the music. We also lucked out because all the tickets for tonight's performance were half off - due to a promotion called Kids Night on Broadway. We were surprised that the place wasn't packed. There were many empty seats on the floor...which is where we were.

Much like the touring production of Beauty & the Beast, this show is strictly for the kids. Though they throw in a new song here or there, it is basically the movie but live. The actors were adequate (with the exception of Kelly McCormick who shined as Truly Scrumptious) but I found myself wondering about two songs in if we had mistakenly walked in on a JV production instead of a professional touring company. Scene changes were obvious, off-stage actors could be seen hiding behind props and the acting was pretty wooden. Steve Wilson's (as Potts the Inventor) microphone was poorly glued to his forehead and the whole night I kept thinking he had food or something stuck to him from the breakfast scene which starts the play. It was really distracting! Plus it didn't seem to help at all because I could barely hear him at times...though I am hard of hearing in one ear to be fair. The kids also had some trouble understanding the dialogue at first because the obviously American actors were pretending to be British.

There were some bright spots - "Me Ol'Bamboo", "Doll on a Music Box" & of course "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ." Some of the sets were nice as well. The biggest draw - Chitty herself - didn't disappoint. She really looked like the one in the movie, and they did a nice job with the flying and driving scenes.

My kids enjoyed it, and so did other kids old enough to sit through a 2 1/2 hour performance. Brandon loved how they used real dogs in the show. If all they did was have this little pack of dogs run back and forth across the stage all night, I think he would have been happy. My daughter really liked the vaudeville spies Boris & Goran...but she was wise enough to realize their slapstick was only there to kill time between scenes. Some of their jokes were a bit risque - and indeed the Baron & Baroness' behavior bordered on inappropriate at times as well. The crowd at our show seemed willing to clap over anything...which makes it fun for the kids, but annoying to those who are more serious about their theatre.

The touring company also fell victim to pandering to the audience in the cheapest of ways - mentioning the Buckeyes and actually getting the audience to do the whole O-H-I-O. I hate that. I loathe that. I want to get up and leave because of that. Theatre does not need to do this. Our town is sophisticated enough to enjoy the show without it. They did it in Wicked and they beat it to death in Spamalot. Boo hiss...


I'd give the production a B-/C+. I would recommend it for anyone with kids 6-12, but everyone else should just buy the film on DVD.

Kiss-Kiss...Bang-Bang

And now for something completely unexpected...I'm going to a shooting range!

For those dear readers who have been with me a while, you already know how I'm a world-famous author just waiting to be discovered (smirk) and how one of the things I seem to write about more often than not is shooting a gun. The only problem is that I have never done so. Heck, my parents bought me a Red Rider BB Gun as a joke and I never shot the thing even once. It is sitting in my basement - unused to this very day.

So how am I supposed to write realistically about something that I've never experienced? The opportunity has just never come up...until recently. So I asked and now I'm going to get my chance! I'm really looking forward to it. I want to know how close my imagination is to the real deal. Of course, I'll be in a safe environment with a trained professional...and not in some dank, dangerous alley just past midnight...but it's probably better that way. ;o)

I'm tired of waiting for my chances to experience life to come to me. I've made the decision to try to be more pro-active in making a dent in my "bucket list." I honestly didn't think shooting a gun would be the first thing to get checked off...but I think it's a thrilling beginning. Next up (I hope) joining in the next Zombie Walk

Other than that, I ought to say thanks to those of you who wrote me after my last post. I want to assure everyone that I am actually fine. Like I said, it was inevitable that bad memories would surface when I stirred up a pot long left untouched. I needed to let those feelings of hurt and frustration out...and isn't that what a blog is for? I'm not going to think about it anymore. I'm tired of living in the past. I want to face the future - and if Mark is meant to be in my future then he will be.

Tomorrow night we are taking the kids to see the touring version of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I'm sure the kids will enjoy it - and if not, who cares because I will! I'll be sure to write about it over the weekend.

With that I'll leave you with some amazing advice from singer/song writer Ingrid Michaelson:

"Fear is to be battled. Fear is to be eaten and digested. To do something that frightens you, and to come through unscathed, even stronger, is incredibly empowering. I hope you have the chance to pummel fear into the dirt."

You go girl...

70 / 30...

Perhaps it was inevitable, but after so much soul-searching, I find myself angry. For the better part of the last two days, I have thought about my relationship with Mark and the new information I gained from our dinner on Saturday. During our conversation, I remember him saying that our relationship was "70% good-times/30% bad." I agreed. He then added, "Unfortunately, the 30% is what everyone seems to remember." Then I said for no apparent reason, "I don't. I try to just remember the good parts." I realized today how true that is.

After I decided to forgive Mark and let my anger go, I have always looked back on our time with rose-colored glasses. I remember (perhaps the better word would be 'romanticize") the good parts...and quickly turn away any nagging reminders of how bad it was at the end. But here in the cold-light of day - the bad times are what I am focusing on today. I remember just how badly things were at the end...and I also remember that I cannot recall him ever apologizing for his appalling behavior. I, on the other-hand, have apologized...more than once.

Am I just the world's biggest fool? Am I so spellbound by this man that I have no self respect? I feel like that is true and that is just wrong. I feel like I'm chasing him - just begging for a scrap of his attention. I'm pathetic.

I deserve an apology...
* For his infidelities - he cheated on me at least three times that I know of.
* For his emotional abuse - he served me with divorce papers at work to humiliate me, he left me in the middle of the night and called me at work to tell me he was on a bus to Texas, he actually jumped for joy when I told him I wasn't pregnant (which meant he could stay with his girlfriend and not be 'stuck' with me), he had me followed at work so I wouldn't bother his new girlfriend who also worked with us.
*For his physical abuse
*For his cruelty - see above...but also add trashing our apartment before he left, leaving his wedding ring on our dresser, bringing his girlfriend into our home when we were separated despite my pleas that he respect me enough not too, cranking up the heat before he left the apartment to raise the utility bills and for acting like he might actually come back to me repeatedly.
*For ruining my credit - while he enjoys a financially sound life, my credit was ruined by our divorce because I was the person named on all the bills he left behind. He left me with unpaid rent and utilities. To this day I cannot buy a car without a co-signer...but he has three cars!

Today I remember and acknowledge that 30% was real. It happened and it was very hurtful.

I want to remain friends with him...but how can I and still hold even a shred of self-respect?

I deserve a real apology...not just "regrets."

If he loved me at all, he would offer one.

The Story of Us...

It only took 15 years, but last night I closed a chapter in my life. Last night I went to dinner with my first husband, Mark. I honestly did not think that it would happen. Ever since he and I reconnected via email/MySpace over a year ago, we've flirted with the idea of meeting in real life. I never considered that it might actually happen though. I guess all the stars aligned though, because I found myself, with my current husband's blessings, across the table from a man I never thought I would see again.

I'm so glad that I went.

I had seen current photos of him on his MySpace page, so I was prepared for the fact that he wouldn't be the same "kid" of 19 that I married all those many years ago. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that I had forgotten his voice. How could that possibly be? For the first few minutes I felt like a stranger was sitting in front of me. He looked different and sounded foreign to me...but behind all the years that had separated us, I finally just looked into his eyes and saw the man I remembered as mine.

The first few minutes, I found it hard to look him in the eye. What was he thinking? How had the years changed me in his mind? He hid behind his folded hands too. It was just so surreal to be there in that moment. Luckily the moment passed and we fell into a comfortable conversation. Dinner passed as we caught up on old friends, updated one another on our families and talked about our lives. I was envious to learn of all the places that he had traveled too...when I had just stayed here in Columbus - wishing I could be elsewhere. I envied him that he had become all the things he hoped to be...and I am still trying to figure out where I belong. I envied his financial freedom to own three cars when I can barely get by. The time passed too quickly and I found myself saying aloud how I did not want our time to end. He never echoed my sentiment, but he never found an excuse to leave either.

It wasn't until we found ourselves outside in the parking lot that our conversation took on a more meaningful tone. I had no idea if I would ever have the chance to see him again...or if I would have the courage to speak my mind so freely...so I let most every thought out into the cool night air. I asked him questions about our marriage that I had kept buried deep inside of me for years...questions I figured that would never have answers. He answered them with honesty and maturity that could only come from a decade and a half of hindsight. There was no more cruelty. There was no more lies. It was a time for truth and healing. We owned up to our faults and put the past to rest. We laughed, cringed and shared meaningful glances as we walked down that twisted road known as the story of us. I cannot adequately explain how that felt. It was a long time coming.

What I learned...
* It's never too late to heal old wounds.
* It's liberating to say the things that you've kept deep inside your heart...and to do so without being hurtful.
* There's something freeing to admit blame and ask for forgiveness - even if it happens years later.
* That what I thought I knew wasn't entirely the truth. I finally heard his side.
* It wasn't all my fault. It wasn't all his either.
* We both had regrets...but having been together wasn't one of them.
* That we both envy pieces of each other's lives...but we were also pretty happy with how it all turned out.

What I learned that was hard to accept...
* That it wasn't about infidelities, lies or not being good enough - it was just that it was time for us to be over. We were hurting one another - physically and emotionally - and no matter what we had to end.
* That it still hurt to have lost him...but not as much as I remembered.
* That he had a specific moment in his mind when he knew the end had come for us - and it had nothing to do with another person. I never had that and I think that kept me from healing for a long time. Instead, the end of my marriage to the first person whom I really truly loved and trusted, was just something that "happened to me." I felt that I had no control. I envied him.
* That he was no longer "my Mark"...he had grown into a person that I no longer really knew.

I was really proud of myself last night. I had the courage to speak my mind and heart...and it didn't end with me in tears. Sure, I felt them at times threatening to surface but they never came. I had matured too. The bravest, most truest statement I made last night was this: "I didn't want to let you go." I am sure he had no idea how hard it was for me to admit that to him, but it was really hard.

Even though we had spent the better part of three hours talking, it still felt like I had more to say. I didn't want the night to end...but of course it had too. Those final moments were sort of awkward. Should we just go our separate ways? Shake hands? It seemed ridiculous to have this sort of tension between us...so I asked him if he wanted to give me a hug. I have to admit that I was happy to get one. All night I felt like reaching across the table and taking his hand in mine. It felt like a natural instinct to me.

Thinking back on it now, I realize that I touched his arm more than once last night. It was like I needed that physical connection with him. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to mark him with my scent again - who knows?! I also realize now that he was much more guarded toward me. He never touched me except when we hugged. He was exceedingly polite all night. I really wish I could know what he was thinking behind his little wall. I'll admit that I wondered how the night might end. Would he try to kiss me? (Would I let him?) Would I try to kiss him? (Would he let me?) For the smallest of moments, as we said our good-byes, I wanted that movie moment. I wanted him to let his guard down and pull me close. That never happened...and I honestly couldn't say that he even thought about it. (Which was a bit ego bruising if I am being honest here.) If he did, I couldn't read it in his face. Of course, it is better that it didn't end that way, but I am human and I admit my curiosity.

The one luxury I did allow myself that night was to touch his ears. If you don't know us, then that sounds a bit strange. Let's just say, I loved his ears and I warned him that if I ever saw him again that I would have to touch them again. I suppose that was crossing the line, but he didn't stop me...and in that briefest moment I stole away a precious memory of "us" to keep close to my heart. I can only guess what was going through his mind at that moment, but he smiled at me and I'd like to think he was enjoying the moment too.

Even though he will be moving to another state next month, we didn't say good-bye like we did 15 years earlier. We left it open. I'm not sure how long we will stay in touch now. I hope to maybe see him again before he leaves. Perhaps though that dinner served its purpose for both of us, and his emails will become less frequent and fade away. Maybe last night will actually be the last time I see Mark. If it is, I will never regret it. We should all be so lucky to have the kind of closure he and I gained in three short hours.

Today, I feel a bit down. I'm finally able to process several long-held issues. I suppose that in some ways, I'm finally putting him behind me. I certainly see him through new eyes. For some reason, this all makes me feel sad. I'm also processing my feelings about how my life has turned out and what I still want to do with the time I have ahead of me. It's been a quite day. I feel like something has changed, but as I look at my family, it is still all the same. I still have all the challenges and responsibilites that I had before my dinner with Mark...yet there has been a change, at least in me.

What I didn't say last night...
* I love you. (That will always be true.) I'd like to think that he already knew that...it was just the one thing I couldn't trust myself to say out loud without becoming emotional.

God's Eye...

Isn't this photo amazing?

Ours is truly a beautiful and mysterious world...

The following information about his planetary nebula was taken from MSNBC's "Cosmic Log":

The Helix Nebula is a popular pin-up for astronomy fans, thanks to clouds of gas and debris that make the planetary nebula look like the eye of God - or, for fans of "The Lord of the Rings," the eye of Sauron. The Hubble Space Telescope and the Spitzer Space Telescope have both taken turns producing glorious views of the Helix. Today, the Spitzer team released an even more dazzling infrared view - and as a result, there's a new dust-up over the old eye.

The reds and greens of the Helix's monstrous eye are color-coded to highlight a mystery: The infrared readings, made in 2004, have picked up the glow from a dusty disk surrounding the moribund white dwarf at the nebula's center. That's surprising to scientists, because they thought the dust surrounding the star should have been blown off in the stellar blast that created the nebula in the first place.

"The dust must be coming from comets that survived the death of their sun," the University of Arizona's Kate Su, the lead author of a research paper in the March 1 issue of Astrophysical Journal Letters, said in today's news release from the Spitzer team.

The Helix Nebula, which is about 700 light-years away from us in the constellation Aquarius, formed when a sunlike star blew off most of its outer layers. Most of the expelled gas and debris can be seen in the Spitzer image as a halo of blue-green streaks. The final layers of gas show up as the red "pupil" of the eye. The red ring at the center represents the dusty disk surrounding the nebula's parent star - something that astronomers hadn't picked up in previous images.

Su and her colleagues suggest that the dust now surrounding the star was churned up by comets smashing into each other in the chaotic aftermath of the stellar explosion. A similar phenomenon may well occur when our own sun blows up, billions of years from now.

The presence of all that material around the star may well explain yet another mystery surrounding the Helix Nebula. Past research has shown that the white dwarf was emitting surprisingly energetic X-rays - and scientists wondered where the oomph behind those X-rays was coming from.

You-Hua Chu, an astronomer at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and a member of Su's research team, said that material from the dusty disk might be falling onto the star and triggering the X-ray outbursts. "The high-energy X-rays were an unsolved mystery," Chu said in today's news release. "Now, we might have found an answer in the infrared."

For more about the mysterious Helix, read this archived Log item about the nebula's 3-D structure (including a very cool "Hubble Minute" video), as well as this one about a classic view of the eye. For more about planetary nebulae, click through this "Greatest Hits" slideshow. And if you're looking for more "Eye of God" candidates, check out the Hourglass Nebula and Fomalhaut's dusty disk.

This...and that

Since the last time I wrote, I have now been basically turned loose as a "regular" employee at my new job. In other words, if I screw up, there is no safety net. I started my permanent hours (8:30 AM - 5:30 PM) too. From what I understand, I have been released from training pretty quickly and I have gotten many positive comments about my performance so far. I still like the job, but I'm quickly wondering how I could possibly stay there for years. By the end of the week, my back and neck are killing me from sitting at a computer 8 hours a day. By 3:30PM my eyes are shot, and three fingers on my right hand start going to sleep too!

I'm happy to say that I have made a couple of new friends there. I sit away from everyone else in my department - right next to our boss - so I'm still sort of a mystery to everyone. I just sit in my cubicle and listen to my tunes while I work. I don't have much opportunity to chat...but I'm making an effort to be friendly.

I actually got a few things accomplished this weekend. While at the winter fundraiser for my son's school yesterday, I actually won a silent auction! I was able to buy a $200 birthday party at Buckeye Gymnastics for $60. Since my son's 9th b-day is in 3 weeks, it is perfect timing! I think I'm more excited about it than he is! LOL We even managed to come up with a birthday list and things are rolling along smoothly. Brian and I watched the first episode of True Blood (I had it on a DVD) and I enjoyed that. We also watched The Departed...ugh! I cannot believe that this movie was up for an Oscar. Sure, everyone and their mother was in it...but it was so long and just not that good. I also registered Meaghan for soft ball. This is her third straight season. It is a big time commitment - but she is getting pretty good at it.

I mentioned Valentine's Day earlier in another post...well, Brian and I spent our evening at Ballet Met's Jazz Moves Take 2. The Columbus Jazz Orchestra was there live as well. It was perhaps the best performance I've seen yet. We had so much fun and was in awe of the dancers and musicians. We really hope to go see the Jazz Orch. again - solo this time. If you get a chance to see this annual performance, I urge you to go. You will love it. It really was the perfect evening.

Attention fellow parents...

I just read about this cool new product in the March issue of Redbook, and I thought that perhaps my fellow parents out there might want to know about it too:

They are called Eyedentity Labels - which are 2"x2" temporary tattoos that display critical medical/ emergency information about your child. For example, for my son his Eyedentity Label would read Brandon/ Insulin Dependent Diabetic/ and then our phone number. You get 18 per pack for $25 (free shipping) and the tattoos last anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks (depending on activity). The idea is that these are great to use on vacations, field trips - or anywhere that you might become seperated from your child. They are also recommended for the elderly who might become disoriented and need assistance.

Anyhow - I thought this was pretty brilliant. You can lose a medical ID dogtag or bracelet...but not a tattoo. They are also very flexible with what you want written on the labels.

If you are interested, visit www.eyedentitylabel.com for more info.