Warning - Cuteness Overload Ahead...

OK - This is not the post you've been waiting for. This, instead, is a totally unexpected post about the birth of my friends' Thad & Julia son - Owain back on January 9th!

Here's the most adorable photo ever of their 3 year-old daughter Ari and her new brother meeting. Owain looks like her own personal baby doll!

I'm in total Mommy-fever mode now!

I just wanted to share the happiness.
We all could use some...

So why don't I feel better?

For a few weeks now, Brian has been telling me that if/when I leave Allstate that I should let them know just what's going on at our office. I agreed. They should know the truth when they are evaluate whether or not he stays as an agent in March.

So today I sent Davis a big letter - an exit interview, I labeled it - explaining why I felt the agency was doing so poorly. It wasn't an outright attack on him personally, but I didn't hold back when evaluating his effectiveness as a manager and owner. In the end, I concluded that he just wasn't the kind of person who could run his own business. Not everyone is that guy - and Lord knows he is not that guy. I sent a copy of it to 2 Allstate people who are "sort of" his bosses. (Not really - but they are the closest thing that he has to one.)

I honestly felt like I should do it - and had the right to do it - but instead of feeling vindicated by my letter, I actually just felt depressed. Am I really such a door mat that I feel bad for saying what is true (in my view point)? The guy knew I had no other source of income & two-kids and still let me go. Yet - I felt badly.

Maybe it was a stupid thing to do - and I did wait a couple of days to make sure I wasn't doing it out of spite -but I can't take it back now.

This bugs me...I really can't figure out why I'm not happier now. I finally got to say all the things I would have said to him had I not needed my job. It was off my chest...but!

Maybe I am a douche bag after all.

Ctrl+Alt+Delete...rebooting America

Got Hope? Today, I do.

Even after the crappy day I had yesterday, I feel a renewed since of calm today. I feel pride in my President again and in being an American too.

I haven't actually sat down and watched an inauguration before - but I did today (it wasn't like I had to go to work or something!). I started at 11AM and we watched it until late in the evening. It was like the day that wouldn't end. I felt bad for the Obamas. (Especially having to stand for hours in the cold and watch that stupid parade!) I thought it was all very interesting though.

I just pray that this is the start to a better chapter in America.

Just made it in under the wire...

So you can add one more person to the unemployment counter under President Bush's reign of terror! Yep, on his very last day of office, I walked into work at 11AM and was greeted at the door by Davis who wanted to "have a word" with me. It was sort of fitting.

I was a good little employee and stayed to clear off my desk and share with them all the little things they were too ignorant to know they needed to know about. I didn't have too - and Lord knows he isn't going to pay me for those 35 minutes - but I wanted to go out with class. I even handed over all the work I did over the weekend - but wasn't going to get paid for either. What good was it going to do me? I didn't want to be a douche bag about it all.

I knew it when I woke up. I knew I wouldn't be employed by the day's end. Davis just said he didn't have the money to keep me - sorry. Huh! Bet he still has enough money for his ski trip to Vermont next weekend though. Bastard. It was all very silent...no thank yous, nothing.

Whatever.

I didn't think I would cry over it. I mean, I really disliked working there at the end...but half way home I did cry. Who wants to get let go? I guess that is normal. Really though I was just dealing with the fact that now neither Brian nor I have a job. How does that work? Brian is still on unemployment for now. I cannot get it because I was only employed for 16 weeks - and you have to be there 20 to qualify. So I got screwed twice.

Life seems unfair and dark today - but there's always tomorrow right? Tomorrow when Obama becomes our 44th President, it will be even more important to me. I believe he can change things for the better. It can't happen fast enough for this household.

Lazy Saturday...

Another cold day here in the tundra! Isn't this lazy-day polar bear just adorable? I just want to scrunch my face against his marshmallow fur...although it isn't as soft as it looks. I just love polar bears!

Somehow, I managed to stay indoors all day long. Around 2PM, I did offer to take the kids to see this movie that they have been begging me to see - but suddenly they didn't want to see it today! Whatever! I couldn't afford it anyway, but I also couldn't stand their constant squabbling either. Since the movie in question is (the newest money machine from Nickelodeon) "Hotel for Dogs." it wasn't like I was heart broken over missing it. The one good thing about the movie is that proceeds from it are going to help real-life dogs who need adopted. So that's pretty cool.

We ended up watching 2 movies at home. Brian and I watched Ghost World - which we enjoyed, even though the movie got a bit dull in the middle. Plus Ricky Gervais just wasn't as funny as I hoped he would be. Then we all snuggled on the couch and watched Mad Money - which was worth the dollar I paid to view it. The main problem I had with this film was all the factual errors about money. I used to work in a bank, so I guess I know more than the average movie viewer...still, you think they'd get it right. (FYI: Money that is to be destroyed has its serial number recorded. Therefore, if the money they stole was put back into circulation, it would be a red flag - eventually. Since this movie spans 3 years...well, I think it is a pretty big error.) The climax (spoiler: when they get busted) was also unbelievable. Also, I just really dislike Diane Keaton. She plays the same whiny, self-absorbed, upper-crust bitch in most every movie I've seen her in. She is just a very unlikeable person. I felt no different here. Hmm...did I even like this movie?! LOL

I just finished working on more stuff for work - hoping (probably in vain) that my boss will pay me for the hours I didn't get to work yesterday. I don't think I wrote yesterday...Davis calls me at 9AM and asks if I got his text? Well, hell no! I wasn't at my computer just hoping he'd write me...grr. Turns out it is too cold to work...and "we've all had a rough week." Really? Hmm...why? I wouldn't know since I am 100% left out of the loop now.

So there went my make-up hours. I was disappointed...and Brian was mad. I made a special trip to the office to fetch the remaining sheets that I need to research for Sharon. I am going to do the work...and I hope he will agree to pay me for my time (the time he promised me on Friday). I also went to see with my own eyes that "everyone" was off. (They weren't there.) I honestly thought they would be. It's gotten to that point. Plus I was a bit ticked that we are supposed to be working so hard to make our numbers...and we aren't even close this past week - but he just closes the office! Grr!!

I've been struggling all day with what is best for me to do. Half of me thinks I ought to quit out right. If I don't, I won't be as motivated to find something else. The other half thinks I need to stay there as long as I can and then take any job I can...even if that means giving no notice. I also thought about just laying my cards out on the table to Davis on Monday...I can't make it on the hours you are giving me; you won't accommodate my request for a more compact schedule so I can get an additional job until things get better here; you keep calling me to tell me not to come in; so now I'm going to apply for a temp-job and if they call tomorrow with an offer, well I'm taking it. So you can let me keep working here - knowing I could just call you any time with no notice and leave, OR you can lay me off and I can collect unemployment. All three seem dismal and sure to lead to failure.

Yesterday, I did take advantage of the time off though. We got our grocery shopping done - our cupboards were empty! (There went half of Brian's check!) Since there was no school either, Meaghan finally got to pick up her new glasses. (Free! Thanks Medicaid!) She was thrilled for about 15 minutes, but now she complains that the glasses hurt her nose and are too cold when she is outside. BUT she also is amazed at how much clearer everything is! She keeps shouting out stuff like - "I can read that!" while watching something on TV. I think she looks nice in glasses - but I like glasses. It's weird how fast I've gotten used to her in them already. I also picked up my Xanax prescription. :o) Bonus - I finally got Coldplay's Viva La Vida CD in at the library. I've been waiting forever for it to come in!

The worst thing to happen yesterday was that my damned car wouldn't start - again. Even though we have it in the garage, it was just too cold. Luckily our neighbor was home and gave us a jump. It started and we were fine, until later in the evening and then it acted like it wasn't going to turn-over again. Brian broke down and went out to fetch us a new battery from Walmart. There went half my pay check - on a totally unplanned expense. Sigh! At least we know the car will start. I just feel so overwhelmed. :o(

I plan on visiting my Grandma tomorrow. Hopefully she will be up for a quick visit.

Well, it is so late. I need to get off the computer. Just a quick game of Spider Solitaire - I'm addicted! - and I'm going to join Brian and Daisy the Wonder Dog in bed.

Hope you are all staying warm.

Last Song I Heard: "White & Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovich
Last Thing that Made Me Happy: Brandon coming in to kiss me goodnight
Best Thing About Tomorrow: less than 3 days until President Obama takes the oath!

The day I almost quit...

(*Image taken from Post Secret)

I saw this on Post Secret and laughed! Oh how I can relate, dude! Today I was almost out of forced civility. I very nearly just packed up my crap and left. I have two people who want me to work on what they want me to work on - and neither seem to care that I actually have things that I am responsible for as well.

I only have 3 hours a day to get them all accomplished too.

For the first time, Sharon raised her voice to me today and barked out an order to get her stuff done like I was her serf. I was literally speechless. Luckily she did it as she rushed out of the office, so I didn't have time to retort. I had a total of 2 minutes to glare a hole in the doorway when Davis rushed in. He wanted updates on the 3 projects he had phoned in 20 minutes earlier. I couldn't find one (turns out the email in his inbox was actually in his cell/text), I had completed another and was working on the third when Sharon had her hissy-fit. I was trying to figure out the history behind the customer's issue and also trying to decipher our billing system - which I don't have a lot of experience with. When I tried to explain this, Davis just clenched his teeth at me and snapped - Oh well! I'll do it myself! As if I were a useless piece of crap. I asserted that I WAS trying to do as he asked, but that I needed to know the history behind the issue before I just blindly picked up the phone to call for billing help. Apparently, at this point no one in our office should "Not Know" how to do something...too bad that I've never been trained on the system in question, used it enough to figure it out myself or even spoke to the customer in question.

The real breaking point though came when he started lecturing me on customer service. ME! I've been the squeaky wheel for weeks now about that very topic. I keep saying that our CS stinks. Davis insists that we tell every one to call the 800 national number. He says that unless we are selling...or doing something to sell...then we are wasting his money. If we do try to help one of our new policy holders and it takes longer than 15 minutes...then we are wasting his money. CS went out the door about mid-November with this guy and he had the nerve to yap his gums at me about it now?!

I swear I just wanted to throw something at this guy's head. Seriously... How can a man with two MBA's be such a terrible businessman?

Instead I let him vent, let him say what he needed to say, and then I proceeded to continue to tell him how I was trying to handle his assignment and get the answer he needed. He let me - and I got the answer. He didn't like the answer - but that is out of my hands. I DID finish more of Sharon's work and even as I sit here venting away on Blogger - I'm working (off the clock) on some of Sharon's things that I can do here so I can be ahead tomorrow when I walk in (just to avoid her crap).

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I bother? It's not like they give a shit about me. I've got one-foot out the door anyway -right? I tell you why...cause I'm not a piece of shit. I do a good job there and I'll be damned to give them even one reason to say otherwise. Stupid assholes.

Ugh! Sorry...

You can't fool your body. You can control your exterior...you know, smile and be pleasant...but your body inside knows the real deal. For the past few days I have been feeling very anxious again. I feel shaky. I feel like my chest has a 50 lb weight on it. I feel like my brain is running on overdrive. I can't fall asleep at night, and I just wake up over and over when I finally do sleep. My dreams are vivid! I always wake up feeling exhausted and nervous. None of these things are good signs...but it is especially bad for me because I have a history of anxiety attacks. I really need to go get my Xanax prescription filled. I hate that too! I have been off that for a long while now. Yet I can't ignore these signs. I can pretend to everyone else...but I can't hide from myself.

Well, I've spread enough sunshine for one night.

Later...

I spy something the color of white...

Snow! Today I got a good ol'fashioned snow day. My boss called me up about 15 minutes before I was about to leave for work and told me not to come in because the roads were getting nasty. Since he said that I could make up the hours, I naturally agreed. My kids say it is their turn tomorrow.

Not much happened to me today. Brian and I braved the elements to drive the 3 miles to the mall. We ate lunch and walked around the place at our leisure. It was nice to be there alone...and to be able to go into the stores we prefer. Over lunch Brian and I spoke about things weighing on our minds. I enjoyed it...though no plan was designed from it.

Then we came home and snuggled in our bed for an afternoon nap. It was nice and relaxing. I could think of a few other things I should have been doing...but screw it. Watching the snow fall was very beautiful. Watching my dog frolic in her first real snow fall was adorable.

There is absolutely nothing on TV tonight. I started watching last season's LOST finale...but I just didn't feel like 3 hours of LOST. So here I am instead...blogging, clearing out my email account folders and the like. At least I feel useful.

My grandmother's surgery went well. They don't think the cancer spread to her lymph nodes...which means no chemo. We are waiting for the biopsy. She is back home now - which is ridiculous. Insurance companies are ridiculous. 24 hours is all you get when you have to remove your breast. There are tubes inside her still...draining the area where her breast once was! She has to deal with that on her own. She just lost a breast! Can you imagine the psychological issues she is also dealing with on top of the physical ones? It is just absolutely wrong. She should be at the hospital. Universal Health Care looks better all the time.

Well...not much to report tonight. I'll keep this one short.

Last Song I Heard: "Wouldn't It Be Good?" by Danny Hutton Hitters

Last Thing I Watched: "LOST"

Last Thing I Read: TV Guide

You've gotta like a book with the word motherf%#$ in the title...

Having just finished the fourth (and final) book in the Twilight series, I decided to go with a little comedy...I think I read an excerpt from "Mother on Fire" (by Sandra Tsing Loh) in Redbook or something. Anyhow, 20 pages in and I'm not in love yet. There was this one section though that had me laughing out loud and I thought I'd share it with you dear reader. I think we ALL know someone like this...

"Bruce may think he is single, but he does have a tortured, passionate, unrequited, lifelong relationship with...the Republicans. Bruce is obsessed with their evil, tracking it tirelessly, 24/7. Bruce has been at it for decades. The man has one hundred hours of old Iran Contra hearings...on Beta!

Never mind that the Republican Party seems completely unaware of Bruce's very existence. I don't believe a day goes by when Dick Cheney thinks about Bruce at all. But the rest of us have Bruce on our minds continually. How could we not, given his relentless Unabomber-like mass e-mails raving how Bush stole ALL the elections...via the Electoral College...from Nader. ("Have you figured out how to unsubscribe?" "I can't - I try to hit Unsubscribe and then get RE-subscribed three more times!") Still Bruce's emails come, as though it is we who yearn for them, thinking - "What I find frustrating about my quality of life is a worrisome lack of rabid political punditry. Thank heavens I got another five e-mails today from BRUCE!"

Or alternatively, "Never mind all the experts - let's see what BRUCE has to say! Normally I'm not that interested in gerrymandering - except when my unemployed friend BRUCE, with absolutely no training in the law WHATSOEVER, e-mails me about it!"

LMAO! I know many "Bruce-like" individuals. God bless em!

So I'm going to try out this new routine: as soon as I get home from work, I'm going to beat my daughter to the computer and write in my blog. I figure this will keep me from making a beeline to my bed (which lurks temptingly just over my shoulder!). I've got to get OUT of this slump. I swear it is so bad that I've even been thinking about...exercising! Holy crap! THAT's a sure sign that I'm mentally unstable.

Work went smoother than usual today. I had a variety of different projects to work on, and that made the time go by faster. Plus my boss was gone most of the time I was there...a bonus! Another $30, hoo haw!

As I type this, Grandma is beginning her surgery. I know it is God's hands now. I'm hoping for the best. I just think it is so unfair that a woman her age has to go through this. More proof that life sucks.

Random realization: I used to be annoyed at all those drone-like zombies walking around the mall, or wherever, with their little ear buds connected to their MP3 player. What in the hell could be so fantastic that these people cannot stop listening to it when out in public? They don't hear/see/recognize your existence because they are so into their tunes. I just wanted to run up to them and yank out those stupid ear buds and tell them to pick up the damned pace!

But now that I have an MP3 player, I totally get it! I love having my favorite tunes at my finger tips. I love how I can listen to Weird Al's "EBay" song 10 times in a row if I want and no one will strangle me. I feel as if I am in my own little safe space - the rest of the world isn't allowed in. It's strangely peaceful to me. I still hate those ear buds (I bought regular headphones) - but now I'm glad I didn't go mental on some poor fellow music lover.

Rock on!

Last Song I Heard: Disturbia by Rhianna (on my MP3 player)

Last Thing That Made Me Happy: Hearing from my friend Jessie.

One Thing I'm Looking Forward To: New Scrubs episodes tonight! Lovin' me some Zach Braff!

For Grandma...

Tomorrow at 3PM my Grandmother, who is in her eighties, is having a mastectomy.

Please...pray for her if you pray.

Send her your well wishes and good karma.

Think of her during this time of uncertainty...

Thanks!

Burn Your Life Down...

"Burn your life down" is the title of a Tegan and Sara song. I don't really know it...but the moment I read the title, it spoke to me. The first thing that came to mind was how that's exactly what I'd like to do with my life right about now. Just burn it down to ash and start the fuck over...but life doesn't work that way. Just ask my "ex" - when life got too hard for her, she just grabbed everything that she felt represented who she was and literally threw it in a bonfire. Her gaming books, her art supplies, our tapes...but guess what? It didn't change a damned thing. Sometimes you can't bury (or burn) your problems.

2008 sucked so badly that I figured 2009 could only get better. Well, I'm still waiting. Not only have my hours at work been wittled down to 12 (from 32), but my boss won't even consider a better working schedule for me to be able to get an additional part-time job that doesn't involve retail or fries. It is getting so hard to walk into that office every day. I just smile and work my stupid 3 hours a day. Then I come home and bury myself under my pillows and wish for darkness to swallow me up until I have to do it all over again. I'm bored...I'm listless...I'm lazy...I'm freaking out! Mainly though, I wonder how I am here at this point in my life. I loathe the idea of being out there looking for a new job...yet that is exactly what I need to be doing.

I keep having this conversation with myself. Where else could I be? What city? What state? (What country?) Are those places any better than where I am now? Would I be able to find a decent job there? Could I be happier there? Why do I stay here? I know I'm not happy here - and I know that there are no stupid jobs here. Maybe this terrible place where I exist currently has been brought about on purpose. What if this is a signal from someone much smarter than I? What if this misery is supposed to be the equivalent of a karma cattle prod to the ass?

Do you ever wonder how come people stay where they are when they'd rather be somewhere else? Like me for instance: I'm a water lover. I feel such peace around a lake or ocean. I loved it down in North Carolina. It was beautiful. SO WHY DO I LIVE IN COLUMBUS?!?! Seriously...why?

I'm in a dark, gloomy place tonight. Sorry. I didn't want my first post in such a long time to be like this...but what can I do but be honest?

Last Book I Read: "Breaking Dawn" by Stephenie Meyer

Last Song I Heard: "Breakable" by Ingrid Michaelson

Last TV Show I Watched: "How I Met Your Mother"

Last Inspirational Thing I Saw: My daughter finally making it to the top of the rock climbing wall - even though she had to move to the easier area. She never gave up until she did it!

Last Thing That Made Me Happy: Seeing Kate Winslet (or "that British actress" as some dumbass from Mad Men called her) win 2 Golden Globes last night. She's awesome! (& yummy...lol)

Last Thing That Made Me Unhappy: Watching Hugh Laurie/House lose twice during the Golden Globes...bah!