Beauty has a name - and it is Raptor!

Today I actually went out into the big wide world! I attended the Mustangs & Legends air show at Rickenbacker AFB. Having grown up as an Air Force "brat" from birth until I graduated high school, I have been to countless air shows. I really love them! Today's was bittersweet for me, however.

I had not been to an air show in many years before today, and certainly not since my father and mother had divorced. Being around all those Air Force men/women really reminded me of him and the life I used to know. It felt so weird for him not to be there with me. I told one Air Force guy who was handing out bags of promo stuff about my Dad being a "lifer" - meaning he retired from the service - and he told me to go home and give him a hug. I just smiled and said I would, but I knew I wouldn't be doing that any time soon...considering I haven't seen the SOB in 10 months. But I digress...

Today I brought my children to their very first air show. I was eager for them to fall in love with the beautiful air craft, to fall under the spell of the military and to appreciate something that meant so much to me in my youth. They did enjoy it for the most part, but they complained about the heat and the jets being too loud. They also ended up getting lost and having to go to the missing kids tent - but we were quickly reunited thank goodness! At the end of the day, they both gave it a thumbs up though. So that made me happy to be able to give them that memory. It also made me sad to know that even if Brandon fell head over heels in love with the idea of becoming a pilot or military man - he couldn't due to his Type 1 diabetes. Maybe Meaghan will give it a shot?

When I was a teenager, all I wanted in the world was to be in the Air Force like my Dad. I was determined to become a pilot...and not just any pilot, but a fighter pilot. I would fly the F-15 E. I took a flying lesson, joined the Civil Air Patrol and even began the lengthy and difficult application process to the Air Force Academy! But when I graduated in the late 80's, women were still not allowed to be in combat, so I was told that I could join the service but I would never be the fighter pilot I dreamt of becoming. Faced with that truth, I decided I couldn't join. I'd never be happy settling for something else. I regret that decision.

Today, women are allowed to serve in combat roles. One of my heroes is Maj. Nicole Malachowski. She was the first women to fly with the US Thunderbirds (#3)! That could have been me. I watched her get into her F-16 today with a mixture of pride and envy. I made sure to point her out to my kids. She is a real pioneer. I wish I could say that I got to meet her, but I was too busy searching for my lost kids to get the opportunity. It didn't matter though because just being there and watching her take the skies was enough.

Today, brought with it a big surprise! Since the mid-eighties I have been a one plane woman...the F-15 E was the only one "good enough" for me. Then I had the privilege of seeing the new F-22 Raptor in flight. Holy Crap! Had I been a man - it would have produced an instant hard-on! LOL Seriously though, it is the most awesome piece of air craft I've ever seen - and that's saying a lot. I'm in love. I'm going to post a You Tube video of it in action after this posting. Take a minute to watch it. You'll not regret seeing it's beauty.

Maybe this post will surprise some of you...I'm not usually a person one might assume is "pro-military". Truthfully, though, I have a lot of respect for those who serve in the military. I love the US Air Force and always will. This does not mean that I support the war or all of that, but I am pretty patriotic when it comes to supporting our troops. For me, that means bringing them home - alive. Today was like coming home for me. I didn't realize how much I missed it.

20 Minutes into the Future...

The year was 1987 and I was completely hooked on a little show called, Max Headroom . Perhaps you remember it? Max was so cool that MTV (back when MTV was cool and played videos) even took him on a tour of high schools around the country. Our school was one of those chosen! So, yea. I was a pretty big geek over Max.

Anyhow, I had asked my father to record the Season 2 premiere episode entitled, Academy. It was all about my favorite character, *Bryce Lynch, and I was very jazzed to see it. I can no longer remember why I wasn't glued to the set that Friday night, but I do remember this - 40 minutes into the show, my jackass father apparently grew tired of tapping my show and flipped the channel over to watch some stupid ass football game. So I got 40 minutes of Max and 20 minutes of football! I was so pissed! When I threw a hissy, he blew me off saying, "Oh, you'll catch the last 20 minutes in reruns."

Well, guess what? A few weeks later they canceled my show and I never again had the opportunity to watch that episode in full. That is until tonight! Here it is in the year 2007, and because of the amazing creation called the internet, I was able to watch Academy in full - and for free! You CAN go back in time and correct some mistakes apparently. I just didn't think it would take me 20 years. LOL

*Bryce Lynch was played by the wonderfully geeky Christopher Tyler Young! Sigh! I just loved him - with his messy hair and goofy glasses. What can I say? I even wrote him a big sappy letter and received a signed photo from him - in black sharpie! Apparently he is now producing Kelly Clarkson's videos or something...but he'll always be Bryce to me.

Darker days...

I have been in a terrible mood all day today...so I did what any sane person would do - I crawled back into my bed and slept as much of it away as I could. The only problem is that when I woke up nothing was any better.

To be honest, I've been spiraling downward all week to this point. Yesterday I looked out my back door and clearly thought to myself: "I want my life back." The funny thing is that I cannot remember what that life was anymore. So why do I want it back? I guess I just don't want to be in this life anymore. Is that progress?

I've been purposely staying off my blog this week because when I get into these dark funks, no one really wants to know what I'm thinking. God knows I haven't done anything worth reading about. I haven't even been outside longer than 15 minutes unless it was to run a quick errand - like dropping off my recycle or something lame like that. I feel very much like I am in a prison most days. I look out the window, but it never occurs to me to walk outside into the beautiful day.

So, I'm on depression medicine - but it doesn't really seem to be working, now does it? Jesus! What would I be like if I were NOT on meds? That is a scary thought. So what am I supposed to do? Change meds? Rot here until someone notices the smell?

I've been spending way too much time on the computer this week. I've been obsessed with my MySpace page (wwmisery - if you want to look me up) and for awhile it was a fun distraction. I even made a new and interesting friend. But my page has been silent for some time now - and my interesting new friend is ignoring me. All of this makes me even more moody and gloomy.

I should be rejoicing - this is the new fall TV week! I live for this week - but even new episodes and new shows only offer me a brief retreat. I fall right back to this dark place as soon as I turn off the set. I got a new book - it is just looking at me. I tell myself to read it - but I don't. I started cleaning my closet out...now half of it is nice and the other half is all over my room. I have no excuse not to have it done, but it isn't. I just don't give a shit.

OK - so this is the worse post ever. But I wanted to write this as proof that I am still alive and exist.

Peace.

No One Gets Left Behind! Take Action: ENDA

Please help ensure that no member of our community is left behind!
Contact your U.S. representative today to keep the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) transgender inclusive!

Members of Congress have decided to move forward with a version of ENDA that does not include gender identity. The lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community has worked very hard to add transgender protections to this legislation. It is critical that our representatives hear from each of us now urging them to keep both sexual orientation and gender identity in the bill.
Please urge them to support an ENDA that is fully inclusive, and let them know that you don’t want any member of the LGBT community left behind.Contact your representative today by calling the U.S. Capitol Switchboard at 202.224.3121 and asking to be connected to your representative's office.

When the office receptionist answers, you can say:

"Please tell the representative that I oppose any version of ENDA that does not include both sexual orientation and gender identity. Studies and surveys consistently show that between one-third and one-half of all LGBT respondents have suffered employment-related discrimination. Transgender people, in particular, desperately need the protections ENDA would provide. Congress should pass the original version of ENDA that includes both gender identity and sexual orientation."

Click here to send an e-mail to your representative.
Click for a list of U.S. House members.

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Inc. (“NGLTF, Inc.”), founded in 1974, works to build the grassroots political power of the LGBT community to win complete equality. We do this through direct and grassroots lobbying to defeat anti-LGBT ballot initiatives and legislation and pass pro-LGBT legislation and other measures. We also analyze and report on the positions of candidates for public office on issues of importance to the LGBT community. NGLTF, Inc., is a 501(c)(4) nonprofit corporation incorporated in New York. Contributions to NGLTF, Inc., are not tax-deductible.

Weekend ramblings...

How can the weekend be over already? It never seems long enough...or short enough either at times. Brian and I enjoyed a rare treat on Saturday. We were able to go out alone! Yes, dear reader, I had one of those elusive but often spoken about "date nights" with my husband.

We went to see the film Knocked Up - finally! I think we might be the last two people on earth who hasn't already seen it. Hell, even my mother had seen it before us! I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I am not a huge fan of "juvenile humor" per se, but since I expected it from this movie walking in, it seemed to allow me to enjoy it. I found many parts of the movie to be very real to life...and I enjoyed being "in" on the jokes. Brian thought it had it's moments, but I don't think he really liked it all that much.

The worst part of the movie was sitting in the same row as these three ladies who were literally old enough to be my mother and my two grandmas! I was really embarassed for them. I wanted to ask them if they were sure they wanted to be in this theatre. LOL Seriously, can you imagine going to see Knocked Up with your grandma? I think I would have loved this film had I not been so uneasy with the company.

We then tried to maintain our failing "hip" status by hussling down to Goodale Park to take in the art show going on there - only to discover it had closed for the evening (at 8PM!). I was so mad. Who closes down a show like that at 8PM on a Saturday night? So we ended up at Arbys and then fetched the kids from Mom's before she could get cranky.

For some strange reason I was really tired by the end of the night and wanted to hit the sack by 10PM. Still - I was determined not to be an old fuddy-duddy! So instead I asked Brian to stay up with me and finally watch Phonebooth which we have checked out from the library numerous times but never watched. Well...I should have gone to sleep! That movie was terrible! WTF! I heard so much good buzz about this stupid movie...and it had good actors, basically. If you took out all the swearing it could have been a Law & Order episode...except L&O is good - usually.

Today we took the kids to the family day event at the Wexner Center. They were exhibiting works by William Wegman - known mostly for his photography of Weimaraner dogs. I thought Brandon would love that since he loves dogs in general. It was a nice exhibit...though I wish there were more "dog" photos than his other works. The kids got to see some performance art and did some expressive dance too! Aren't we such hip parents to take our kids to this?! LOL

My mother was very kind to us and invited us to have dinner on Friday night. I was very happy about that because we had nothing to make anyhow - and I was too tired to mess with going to the store then making dinner. Afterward we went over to JD's place to walk her doggy, Peaches. She is such a good dog! I really want my own.

Otherwise, it was a typical weekend for us. We cleaned, shopped and tried to keep the kids from driving us batty. At least the weather was beautiful.

MARILYN MANSON :: This Is Halloween

Say what you will about Marilyn Manson...I think he's got some great music out there. This remake is awesome! Perfect for getting ready for the haunting season.

You may already be a winner...

Holy Crap! I actually won something...

Back-to-Beauty Bag Daily Prize
This tote is overflowing with must-haves from the beauty closets at Suave and O, The Oprah Magazine and Redbook:
-Back-in-School Back-to-Beauty Tote
-Suave Professionals haircare regimen
-Suave Exhale Body Wash and Lotion
-Suave 24hr Protection Antiperspirant/Deodorant
-Spornette Paddle Brush
-Detangler Comb
-Deep Conditioning Towel
-Natural Bath Set
-Lip Gloss
-Heatable Buckwheat-filled Spa Wrap
-Tweezers
-Natural Bristle Make-up Brushes
-Marvelous Minis Manicure Set with nail polish
-September Issue of O, The Oprah Magazine and Redbook, along with a 1-year subscription to both

I'm so excited. I've been entering on the www.suave.com site every day. Of course, it always says "Sorry, you're not today's winner." - that is until today! Nothing cool like that ever happens to me. Naturally the first thing that my hubby said was "I wonder how much it is going to cost us in taxes." Nice...I can't even be happy for like 15 seconds.

I also won a free ticket to the new Shadowbox Halloween show...must be my lucky day. Maybe I should go to get a lottery ticket.

The Saga - Conclusion...no, really!

"You had the best,

but you gave her up…
You broke the set;

now there’s only singles.
There’s no looking back -

this time I mean it.
I won’t be there; no more bother.
If you feel you just might want me...
That’s too bad - I’m not that easy.
Are you happy now?
You’re by yourself - all by yourself.
You have no one else; you’re by yourself.”

~ “Happy Now?” by No Doubt

I was looking back over my blog - I cannot believe it has been over a year since I started writing here - and I realized that I have left everyone hanging regarding my grand "saga" about the demise of my "friendship" with Barb. Maybe you don't even care by this point, dear reader, but nevertheless I feel I owe it a conclusion - and that was all that was left to write anyhow. So I'll take this opportunity to do so now...

“I’m a good person; don't wanna fight with no one.
But you piss me off…all bets are off.
Fuck you!
You taste like toxic poison.
I wash my hands of you!”
~ “Why Don’t You Come Over” ~ Garbage


So where were we? Oh yes...Barb and I had begun our journey back into gaming after a miserable attempt to just be "girls" and not constantly talk about game stuff. We (or at least I) had come to see that over the many years that had spanned since she lived here, that we had grown into different people. Though she would never admit it, her years of living on conservative patches of God's country in Utah and Texas had changed her moral views. She had become more conservative herself - though not an outright "Red"...she certainly had lost her "Blue" roots and had become more violet. I on the other hand had transformed toward liberalism and embraced my inner-"city gal". Our interests really had boiled down to two categories: our game and our past.

So we gamed...and I loved it. It was wonderful and fulfilling in a way I longed for. I missed my "people" and I missed being in their skins. I loved every moment I was able to be there and not here in my own skin. Things went well for some time, but as in the past, Barb's real-life conflicts always seemed to surface in our games. She wouldn't write, or she would cancel IM sessions to game with me at the last moment. Or she would drown herself in nothing but the game and flood me with posts. There was never a constant with her - and it drove me crazy!

I think I spoke about Martin & Ben's new relationship in my past post...well, I continued to love their story. For once Marty was happy and I was happy too. Yet, for her own reasons, Barb was not. She wrote this story with growing bitterness. She claims now (or so I hear second-hand) that I was so "sexually obsessed" with this story that she couldn't "deal" with it or me anymore. We fought over these characters and finally rather than face her butcher Ben or kill him off entirely, I decided to take him from her as she had offered previously. It was the only way I could protect what I saw as the best future for my characters. We continued to write with me now writing for both Marty and Ben, but it was not the same. I found myself becoming bitter toward her and that leaked into my interactions with her characters. She did the same. It was a dark, never-ending spiral to a miserable place neither of us wanted to be in. And then she just disappeared altogether - again!

All of this just happened to coincide with a particularly bad point in my real life. My work life sucked! I had lost my favorite boss and ended up with one who was a back-stabbing, suck-up to the big boys in charge, lazy-ass! I was working harder with no more pay. I was doing both our jobs and resented it. I missed my old boss and his friendship. I literally started getting sick at work from the stress. In the end, I even started taking my 15 minute breaks (in my car)...after never taking them for the previous 3 years I had worked there...just to get away from the place. Right before I left my job (which I resigned from before they could start the paperwork to force me out) Barb and I were actually in a good place. We were writing and calling each other. She told me she would be happy if I was at home so we could game more! In fact, I was written up shortly before I turned in my 2-week notice because the IT department had caught one of our emails to one another.

So imagine my surprise when I quit my job and Barb just vanished for weeks! She stopped calling and writing. I tried to email her without any replies. I was in a dark place and I started to have anxiety attacks. Things began falling apart in my life. Things were crappy between Brian and I; I had no friends to turn too; no game to escape too; and then my car died on us. I had a major melt-down. We had no money and I feared Brian would loose his job without a car. I logged on to the computer that night and like a miracle I received an IM from Barb! I couldn't believe it...

I told her how incredible it was to hear from her because I was in such a bad place. I really needed to hear from a friend, I told her. I explained my mess. Then the IM conversation got weird...she wouldn't reply to some things I was asking her. I finally asked her if she was IMing with someone else - should I let her go? The reply came back - no, I'm just playing a game with some neighborhood friends. A role-playing game. I was furious! I asked her if she knew how insensitive that was? I told her how upset I was...and then the little emoticon popped up of a smiling face. The message attached said...this isn't Barb! Her boyfriend and his friends were using her IM address to play a game with me apparently. It was like I could feel the last secure piece inside my head pop free and everything came crashing down. I couldn't believe how cruel these people were...and I couldn't forget the fact that Barb must have shared a lot about our relationship for them to have fooled me for so long, and for them to be able to know what to say to hurt me. I couldn't even breathe! I logged off and just cried in the darkness of my room. I knew at that moment my relationship with Barb was over forever.

The next morning I wrote her a simple email. I had written a long ranting one, but deleted it...I didn't want to end things like that. Instead I wrote a paragraph explaining what had happened the night before. I also wrote about how I couldn't understand how she could let that happen - especially with the full knowledge that she lived in a trailer house where the computer was in full view of both the living room and her bed! I told her that I would not be sticking around anymore to be a joke . I wasn't going to waste another moment of my life wondering why she couldn't be my friend. I told her goodbye...and then I told her the truth, that I knew she would allow this to be the end because she would never think to chase after me like I always did her - but that I had been pushed to the point where for the first time I didn't give a damn. I hit send - and then I collapsed into a despair so deep that I am still trying to fully recover.

She did reply to me...a long, nasty, terrible letter. I kept it. I want to remember what she really thought about me. I don't want to think back and make the mistake of glossing over the ugliness. I don't want to forget the truth. After years of support and love...and whatever the hell we had going on between us...this is what it all came down to: the three words she had to share with me over my disappointment that we would not be together...

GET OVER IT!

That is what she had to say to me. That is her lasting legacy. That is what I take with me now from that experience. But you know what? I will say this - being the one to end the relationship this time around really made all the difference. It's no wonder that she could sit over there indifferently on her end the last time our relationship was in ruins...it was on her terms. She didn't have to wonder and wait -- she just had to decide when or if to read my mail and reply. Well, this time we did it on MY terms and it felt great! My only hope is that I hurt her with that choice as much as she did me the first time. The difference though is I at least gave her a real reason and a definite ending...something she never granted me.

It has been many years since that email, but I haven't gotten over it. (Duh!) I've tried - believe me. I never knew that one single person could ruin you so completely - but I know now. I've also learned to keep people away and to build a wall inside of me that no one is allowed beyond now. I can't risk it. I just don't have the strength to fight back from that kind of despair again.

I've since learned from a mutual friend that her life is not much different than it was when we last spoke. She is still struggling...still living with that loser. I found out too that her boyfriend was beating her and stealing from her. I know (from her own words) that she burned all her art stuff and gave/sold all her gaming items away. She totally gutted herself and personality to stay in a hell that she created and willingly remains in. Maybe I should feel sorry for her - and give her a break for all she was going through - but I don't and I won't.

And what of my Martin? Well, he gave back to me the ultimate gift - his life force. I gave him "life" for all those years, and hid inside his strength, but when I lost everything I couldn't hide anymore. He couldn't protect me the way he used too. All the pills and crying in the world couldn't put my broken heart/head together...so he gave me his energy to carry on. I know that seems weird to read, but I feel it is true. I've noticed that I see life now through "his" eyes. Whenever I would think about him or play him, he just had a certain "feel" - and now that is how I feel most the time. That is both good and bad - because let's face it, Martin was not exactly the most stable person himself. I also know now that I cannot "call" on him to give me a boost or cheer me up like I did before. So, we are one and any strength that I need will have to be found within from now on.

Some people probably won't have much sympathy for my saga...and some might even think I need serious medical help...but it is my story for what it is worth. It was something that shaped the very person that I am now...for better or worst. For what it is worth, I know I should be the bigger person and forgive her. Well see the photo above! I cannot forgive her. I did not deserve this & she does not deserve my forgiveness! What still stings is that she never asked me to forgive her and never would even if given the chance. I know the wisdom of not burning bridges, but I used a whole fucking box of matches and watched this one burn to dust! If I could see her today, I would either like to just punch her straight in the face or simply walk by her as if she were a stranger and meant nothing (the choice varies depending on my mood).

I want her to hurt as much as I hurt. I cannot be more honest than that, and after all the tears and years I've lost to her, I won't apologize for it.

With that I will close this chapter. (Oh, and if you feel inclined to comment...don't even think about writing those "three little words" or I'll be forced to hunt you down!) Thank you for your patience dear reader...

"When I'm sad, you come to me.

With a thousand smiles, you set me free.

It's alright.

Take anything you want from me.

Anything."

~ "Little Wing" by Concrete Blonde

for Martin

Je vous aime et m'ennuie beaucoup

Brandi Carlile - The Story - Grey's Anatomy

I love this show...and I love this video.
Can't wait until next week when we can finally start a new season of shows.

For the record - George belongs to Izzie...at least they have chemistry!

Plastic - it's SO not hot!

In honor of last night's telecast of the Emmy Awards...where the alum of The Daily Show (Jon, Steve and Stephen) were a laugh riot...I just had to share this final thought:

Check out these before and after plastic surgery photos of Emmy's red carpet Diva/Hostess Lisa Rinna:

Why?! For the love of God...why would you do that to yourself? She looks like a (old) Bratz doll! She was really cute before all the botox and silicon injections. I know - it's her body and her money...but I just think it is terrible.

(About as terrible as Neil Patrick Harris NOT winning for his role on How I Met Your Mother.)

Don't let me get started...

Shameless plug for Blogger Play

Have you heard about the new feature on Blogger? It's called Blogger Play and it is totally addictive!

What is this new Blogger Play you ask? Simple: it is an on-going slide show of photos that have been recently uploaded onto the blogs of total strangers who use Blogger (and allow it to be accessible to the public) to blog on. The photos (which are filtered to keep it family friendly) can be of anything and from anywhere. You might see a vaction photo, a photo of someone's car or a picture of an item someone is selling. It can be anything!

The cool thing is that every time I watch it, which is often, I can't help but be moved by it. I always find something on it to smile about and reflect upon. It really makes me think about how big this world is and yet how much we are all very similar. Plus, you can click on the photos and be taken to that person's blog! I find it is very helpful in finding new photos for screen savers. It is also helpful in reminding me my problems aren't so overwhelming...how can they be when there is so much beauty out there in the world (whether it be in the smile of a child or the view of a distant mountain)?

Check out these beautiful and moving photos I just saw on it:

I don't know these people - but all I can say is they had a beautiful wedding. That is one lucky girl...look at the expression on his face as he sees her coming down the aisle! I wish these strangers love and adventure in their new lives...and I thank them for sharing such a wonderful set of pictures.

Check out this cool new toy! You'll fall in love with it too.

A lovely Sunday...for a change

So this is the beautiful place that I spent the majority of my Sunday! Brian's company held their annual employee picnic at the simply gorgeous Darby House. It was perfect weather for it- and the trees had just begun to show a tinge of fall coloring too.

After being such a sour puss in my last posting, I probably didn't deserve to have such a lovely day...but I'm glad that I did. The free event allowed us to enjoy the wonderful food of Schmidt's German restaurant (which is fan-fucking-tabulous in case you've never ate there!). They even brought in mini-handmade creme puffs. Let's just say I ate much more than my share of those!

It was a relaxing affair. After we ate, the kids enjoyed pony rides and then scurried over to play some old-fashioned family games. Brian and I even got in on some of the action...egg toss (I got smashed thank you), water balloon (Brian's turn!), sack races and other fun stuff. They had a very talented face painter there and an awesome balloon guy too! (He even did one of Drew Carey!)

Late in the afternoon we took a wonderful pontoon boat ride on the Big Darby Creek. It was just what the doctor ordered for my fried nerves. We even saw a beautiful crane. Brian and I snuggled close and enjoyed the moment...gag, I know. Sorry! The kids capped the day off with another pony ride and a roll down this HUGE hill on their golf course.


I only wish more days were like this one.

Grrr - or Why I Haven't Posted Much Lately

I know...I suck. My postings lately have been rather generic and sporadic at best. For that, I am sorry dear readers.

Life has just been coming at me from all directions lately, and for some reason my brain has decided that now would be a good time to check out. I just can't seem to organize everything that needs to be organized. Every other moment I seem to have a new priority...or I've decided that I just don't give a rat's ass anymore and decide to stay in my bed and look at the ceiling instead.

My financial situation, in a word - sucks. Therefore my life pretty much sucks too. We are now paying for our bad choice to go on our mini-vacation a month or so back, even though we knew we were too poor to go. It's my own fault and I'm not here to blame anyone but myself. I just wish it wasn't always so hard. I wish I never knew that feeling of anxiety as you watch the cashier ring up your groceries and your stomach ties itself in a knot as the dollar amount rises and you hope - PRAY - you have enough so you don't have to ask them to remove something. Then you have to really think about what item you will remove because you already bought just exactly what you needed to get by. Luckily today I didn't have to put anything back, but now my wallet (like my bank account) is very, very light. Just 4 more days like this and we will get paid finally. I don't care what "they" say - money CAN buy happiness. I bet a rich person has never had to choose between buying medicine, groceries or gas for their only car. Rotten, stinking rich people! Grr.

Onto other topics - SpeakOUT is driving me insane. I admit it. I cannot make up my mind at all about what to do with my group. I love it/I hate it. I feel totally burned out and used up as far as all that goes. Yet, I am packed with public appearances and obligations over the next 2 months. So we are successful but I feel totally uninterested in spending one more moment doing it. Maybe that is because I am doing it alone. I eat, sleep and breathe it 24/7. I think I've reached my lifetime quota of gayness!

Today's monthly meeting was terrible (at least to me) and I think it is just because I am so torn about what I need to do. I honestly went in there today with nothing to talk about or planned. I feel like I've worked so hard, for so long and now I'm not sure I want pour more of myself and my time into it. On the other hand, if I don't who will? I worked hard to be at this place, but I have no time to enjoy my hard-earned mini-moments of joy. Also, everyone around me in the "leadership" of the community is currently pissing me off. I just can't stand all their fakey crap anymore. So...501c3 or not? Who the hell knows...not me apparently.

Also, I'm sort of pissed at some friends of mine. I've written them emails; which they in turn totally ignore. I'm not naming names, but we all used to be close friends...but through one thing or another we are now just people who see each other on occasion. Still! If someone writes you who is/was a friend then it is common courtesy that you should at least acknowledge it...especially when in the email you are asked if it would be OK to drop in and visit. Apparently I got my answer! Why can't people just tell you to fuck off when they don't want to be bothered with you anymore? Just say that you don't want to write anymore or whatever. It just irks me...sorry to vent on your shoulder. Anyhow, I've been wanting to write and tell them these things but they are probably not even reading my emails at all. I guess I should just delete them from my contacts and move on...

Another reason I haven't been posting is that I am currently obsessed with my new MySpace page (myspace/wwmisery). I only created it to talk to my ex-husband (see "bad idea" post for more on that) but now I love it! I only post humorous tid bits on that blog...the "real me" stays here. But I like adding songs and so forth. I'm sure it will lose its luster sooner than later...but right now it is fun to play with and explore.

The kids are back in school and that brings its own baggage - but I am enjoying my new found peace and quiet.

Overall, I feel like I am running in circles (in my head and in real life). I'm working hard but not accomplishing much in the process. I am usually good at tackling projects and being organized, so I'm a little bit dazed at why I can't get my shit together these days. I hope this is just a temporary funk. I know that I need to organize all these little piles of "to dos" and start doing them. I need to make some hard decisions and live with the results of those decisions.

But first I think I'll just wander over to MySpace...

Be well dear reader.

Support BalletMet just by Surfing the Net

What if BalletMet earned a penny every time you searched the Internet? Well, now we can! GoodSearch.com is a new search engine that donates half its revenue, about a penny per search, to the charities its users designate. Powered by Yahoo!, use it just as you would any search engine.

Just go to www.goodsearch.com and enter BalletMet as the charity you want to support. Just 500 of us searching four times a day will raise about $7,300 in a year without anyone spending a dime!

Be sure to spread the word!

Christopher Meloni - man of my dreams?!

Well, by now you all know I'm prone to dreaming about all sorts of celebrities...but even this one surprised me! I had the most tawdry, nasty sex dream about Law & Order: SVU's Christopher Meloni. Really?! OK...he's not bad looking and this past season on SVU, they did try to "sex" him up by showing him without his shirt (Pecks Ahoy!). Also, I can kind of see how his 'bad boy' vibe could be sexy, but honestly I had never much thought about him in that way before. So this dream really came out of nowhere.

What I found the most insane about my dream is that it was plain disgusting! He took me to some kind of funky sex toys/adult video store in a very bad part of town. He flashed his badge and took me back behind this curtain which led to a room full of changing rooms (like you'd find at the Gap or something). The place was, in a word -disgusting! People were in some of the "rooms" doing their, um, business...and you could see their feet and heads! He shoves me into one of the empty ones and I remember thinking - What? I don't even rate a by the hour hotel room? It had to be one of the most nasty, gross places I'd ever been in! Yet there we were going at it like two dogs in heat! It was very nasty - but in a "WOW! I never had it so good!" way. LMAO

So there you go! Anyone who would like to analyze my dream...please feel free. I hope it doesn't mean that deep down I'm really some tramp who wants to be at the mercy of some dominant authority figure. Just what I need! :o)

The funny thing is now I can barely watch SVU - which ticks me off because it is my all-time favorite of the Law & Order series. I also made the mistake of telling my hubby about the dream. No, he didn't get the hint and show up at my door, badge in hand... instead when it comes on, Brian just gives me a smirk and asks if I want to be alone! Ugh!

Also, I recently learned that Meloni played a gay man in the HBO series, OZ. I never watched it before because we've only ever had Showtime in the past. I should have known Meloni would have some sort of GLBT ties if I was interested in him. What a life!

It's easy being green!

I know that you are probably sick of hearing about global warming and the like, but being eco-friendly is important...and it really can be simple.

My family has been recycling for a few years now and it is amazing how much it has reduced our trash. Before we started recycling, we would barely make it half a week and our huge green garbage can would be full! Now we can sometimes wait every other week to drag the trash to the corner. It is really amazing to see how much trash you can actually recycle. Try it yourself for just one week and I bet you'll never stop!

Lately, we've started to reuse paper bags at the grocery store. We just keep taking them back to be reused each time we shop. When they get too ratty we can then drop them in the recycle box and get a few new ones. The reaction of the workers range from genuine enthusiasm over the idea to plain dumbstruck...you want me to use those old bags?

We are also committed to changing over our old light bulbs to those crazy looking energy-efficient compact fluorescent light bulbs. When one light goes out, we replace it with the new type. They are expensive; this helps us tackle the project one light at a time...giving our wallet time to replenish itself in between.

I recently came across a cool website called Idea Bite . You can go there and sign-up for a daily eco tip. Some of their tips are interesting and easy to adapt into your daily life. Hey, I'm no Ed Begley Jr. but I am trying to be more conscious of my choices and how they impact the rest of the world. Every little effort makes a difference. I hope you'll join us!