City Pride...Bicentennial Style

Last night was interesting. I was part of the 2012: Columbus Citizen Summit at the convention center. Basically it was a summit put together by the city to help plan out our city’s bicentennial in 2012. They have created a 250 person commission to basically shape 1) what the city will look like in 2012 and 2) how we will celebrate our bicentennial. People were asked to attend and to pick one of 13 “themes” that best reflected our interests. I was there under the “Diverse People” umbrella. I thought I would be seated at a table with others with the same interest; instead we were seated at tables with a mix of interests.

Our table had a local celebrity at it – Columbus Jazz and Creole-legend Arnette Howard! He was very nice and had a lot to share about festivals held in Columbus. He was also supportive of SpeakOUT’s goals and stopped to talk to me about the group before he left. We had a lot of media around our table, so if you see me at a table with Arnette Howard somewhere in the press you’ll know why! LOL

We had to answer a bunch of questions using this remote control device. The cool part was being able to see the results within seconds. It got a little rowdy in there from the cheering from some interests groups…which of course I enjoyed. We only spent a small amount of our time conversing with one another though. I think that was a wasted opportunity. I can say that I felt a bit prouder to be part of this city afterward.

By the time I got home, after taking advantage of having the car for a change and running a couple of small errands, I caught the last 20 minutes of House. I had Brian tape it for me though – so no worries. What I saw looked really good. At least there will be another new one on Sunday after the Super Bowl! Finally, something to look forward too regarding the Super Bore…um, Bowl. :o)

Well, tonight I am speaking at OSU on a panel with regards to living as allies. It is supposed to be View style. I hope the weather stays calm long enough for people to turn out.

Talk to you all again tomorrow...

(Less than) 2 Days until: NEW LOST!!!!!

Newest CD I've listened too and think you ought to give a shot: Beauty & Crime by Suzanne Vega

Stupid song I can't help but listen too: Year 3000 by the Jonas Brothers

Best CD worth digging up again: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John (released in 1973 - really?! Wow!)

And they said it would never happen...

Can it really be true???

New Kids: Back on the Block?

01/28/2008 3:32 AM, E! Online

They may no longer be new. They may no longer be kids. But NKOTB are out to prove they still have the right stuff.

New Kids on the Block, the prototypical boy band of the 1980s and early '90s that preceded the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync on the pop charts and in the pages of Tiger Beat, are reportedly on track to reunite.

The band's official Website, www.nkotb.com, is, after a long period of dormancy, once again up and running and imploring fans to keep hanging tough for a forthcoming announcement. That announcement, per People, is that Jordan Knight, Joey McIntyre, Donnie Wahlberg, Jonathan Knight and Danny Wood will be making like the Spice Girls and relaunching their once chart-dominating act.

There's no word yet, however, on whether the group's resurrection will include a tour, a greatest-hits album or the release of any new material. Their site simply teases that an undoubtedly earth-shattering development is in the works, with a fuzzy television set flickering on and off on different photos of the group in their heyday.

"They rose from the streets of Boston," the site touts. "To become the biggest band in the world. They influenced a generation. They sold over 70 million albums and grossed more than one billion dollars. Five multiplatinum albums, 10 top 10 singles, five number one singles. Then they walked away from it all. Millions of fans around the world await their return. Are you ready?"

The group eventually called it quits in 1994, after logging megasuccess with hits like "Hangin' Tough," "Step by Step," "I'll Be Loving You (Forever)" and the ever-lampooned "You Got It (The Right Stuff)."

Despite attempts by MTV to reunite the group in the past decade, the move has consistently been vetoed by one or more members of the quintet.

As it is, the "boy band" has almost certainly aged out of the High School Musical demographic and will likely rely on the support of their former, now grown, fanbase (and their kids) to power the second coming of NKOTB.

Since splitting more than a decade ago, each member of the fivesome has achieved some degree of solo success, both inside and outside the world of entertainment. The youngest and possibly most recognizable member of NKOTB, the perpetually fresh-faced Joey McIntyre, is now 35 years old and best known these days for appearing on Dancing with the Stars and in a brief 2003 stint on Boston Public.

Donnie "brother of Mark" Wahlberg is 38 and has arguably been the most successful in Hollywood since the split, starring in HBO's Emmy-winning Band of Brothers and NBC's now defunct Boomtown and appearing in such films as The Sixth Sense and Saws II and IV.
Onetime frontman Jordan Knight, 37, continues to record solo, most notably the minor 1999 hit "Give It to You," which was briefly a staple in the MTV rotation. Brother Jonathan, the oldest New Kid at nearly 40, is a real-estate developer, while Donny Wood, 38, has bided his time as a music producer.

What am I getting myself into?

Did I mention that I signed up for a free 6-week Hatha for Beginners class? Hatha is apparently a form of yoga. I honestly have no idea what the difference is...but I bet there are several types of yoga out there.

I'm a bit worried that I will look like a total fool. There is this part in the class description which reads: "This class is most appropriate for those who can easily get up and down on the floor." Hmmm - define "easily"...er, for that matter define "get up." LMAO I bet everyone there will look great and fit...and there I will be in the back row hoping I'm not showing my ass to anyone as I bend down. :o)

Still, I've wanted to try yoga for a long time, and I just couldn't say no to a free 6 week class taught by a professional! You can get in on the savings too - just pop over to the Stonewall Columbus web page to learn more (first class is on 2/16). This class is being offered there as part of a grant they won. I figure I would take advantage of the offer. I want to be more flexible and learn how to stretch properly. I also want to learn how to meditate (or focus more on the now) and relax without pills. That's why I also signed up for a one day only, but still FREE, class called Energy Work and Meditation. Again, check out the SWC web page for more info.

If anyone out there has some personal experience with yoga (or Hatha in particular), drop me a note!

Today was a long day...I had my SpeakOUT board meeting. I'm not going to vent about that right now. I just want to wash it out of my head and move-on. JM (a fellow board member) was very sweet though and bought me a huge heart-shaped box of Russell Chocolates. What a guy! I did managed to sneak over to the Laughing Ogre (the best comic book joint in town) and pick up issues 9 & 10 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8. (Sweet!) Brian started feeling poorly though and so I spent the rest of the day taking care of business (ironing, grocery shopping, car wash...) I waited too long to make it over to pick up my prescription at Giant Eagle though...bummer. Once we ate and all that, it was well past 8PM. So I helped both kids wrap up their homework, got their book bags ready for school and even managed to wrangle them into the shower before bed. Whew! No wonder I'm pooped.

Anyhow...I'm off to slumber land. Chat with you all later...

An ordinary day for once...

Today was a blissfully calm day...I took Meg and my mother to see the new chick flick, 27 Dresses. It was my present to my mother for her birthday (which was way back on the 2nd of this month, but I only had the money this weekend to treat her - better late than never I suppose). She is a big fan of Katherine Heigl's work, so of course she was thrilled. (Good daughter points!)

It was cute, and it had some funny moments to be sure (like the hilarious drunken bar scene where they sing to Elton John's Benny and the Jets), but I'm glad I only paid matinee prices to see it. The plot was very predictable - but in a very comforting way which keeps me going back to see such films.

I did see several good trailers for some upcoming movies: Stop Loss, Jumper and the next big chick flick, The Accidental Husband. The last one has Jeffery Dean Morgan (Denny from Grey's Anatomy fame) and Colin Firth (love him!) in it...so I'm liking the male eye-candy! The female lead is played by Uma Thurman, who I could live with or without. I'll end up seeing it someday...probably for free from the library. Now I want to go see Juno and Sweeney Todd.

Brandon did a nice job this morning at his "modeling" shoot for the diabetes fundraiser. He gave me some sass about dressing him up and putting gel in his hair (He hates that because - in his own words - it makes him look like a) George Clooney or b) George Washington...neither of whom Brandon wants to look like apparently. LOL)

We watched the NHL All-Star Skills Competition this evening - which is my favorite part of the All-Star game. My favorite goalie, Martin Brodeur, was voted in as the best Eastern Conference goalie, but due to family obligations he couldn't attend. That was a bummer. I got to see some new faces though and it was fun watching these professional players acting like 12 year-olds! I love hockey for that - the players actually still love the game.

Then I watched the premiere of Torchwood...and I was a little disappointed. The Capt. Jack/Spike scenes were awesome, but they wasted too much time on other characters. I would have been silly-happy if the whole episode was only them! James Marsters is always plays such an awesome slimy, asshole that you can't help but love anyway guy. I'm looking forward to him coming back on a future episode. Until then, I'm not entirely sure I'll be watching. I wish James would dye his hair blond again...I think it suits him better.

We ate at this great new restaurant in Hilliard too. It is called the Cook Shack. They are a down-home BBQ joint located just off Cemetery Rd/Mill Run on Trueman Blvd. Just look for the new (but not yet open) gas station and the strip mall near Cheeseburger in Paradise. The prices are reasonable, and while the restaurant has a nice seating area, you walk up to order your stuff. We were expecting waitresses. Our sandwiches (mine: pulled-pork Carolina style & Brian's: beef brisket) were very yummy and huge. The menu isn't very kid friendly, and it is rather limited overall, but I would still recommend it if you are jonesing for a really good/huge BBQ sandwich.

Anyhow - I think I hit the sack. Brian is already snoring! I swear he lays his head down on his pillow and he is out like a light in under a minute. I am soo envious of that. I have to take sleeping pills just to manage to get to sleep...and I still lay awake a good hour before I do. :o(

It's polka time again...

After my last post, I thought I'd lighten things up by letting everyone know that my "close, personal friend" Weird Al will be making another cameo appearance on this Sunday's The Simpsons. Don't be White & Nerdy...check it out! LOL

Onto other news, I just found out that (even though I was recommended to apply by a pretty big GLBT community leader) I am not eligible to apply for the 'Pride Leadership' program being hosted by the United Way and the Macy's Foundation because I'm straight. Seriously! Applicants must identify as GLBT...

I'm OK with it, but I did ask them to reconsider this policy in the future (this is the first year for this 8-month program). The director is interested in me participating on another level, however. He might use me in one of the work sessions because of my "experience". Hey...maybe I'll get paid! :o)

Today is my father's birthday. It's weird not to celebrate it with him, considering he isn't dead nor is he living in say, India! Nope - the jack ass is up in Delaware (the city) and just doesn't want to be bothered with a daughter any longer. I'm half upset/half pissed with the whole situation. I did get him a card - from the kids. I don't know why I try anymore...honestly.

Did anyone else watch the last two new Chuck's last night on NBC?! I love that show. In the first episode, I almost laughed myself silly when he and Casey were fighting the Russian bad guys and Chuck goes: "How ya like me now, sucka!" LMAO!!!!!!! Zach Levi is just too damned funny.

Well, I am supposed to be slaving away on laundry today...so I need to get off this thing and go be a good desperate housewife. :o)

House Alert! NEW episodes of House will begin next Tuesday! You know where I'll be...don't even think about calling me from 9-10PM EST! LOL

Ledger's death brings out the homophobes!

Sadly, I cannot say that I am surprised whatsoever about far-right wing nut-jobs linking actor Heath Ledger's death and his role of a gay man in Brokeback Mountain. It is just disgusting how low these people can reach to deliver their version of what "God" and "religion" is supposed to be. It reminds me exactly why I am an ally and why I must do what I do.

Heath Ledger is a heterosexual man who portrayed a homosexual man in a film- um, it's called acting! Yet that is close enough for these scum bags...he was an "enabler" - you know, a straight person spreading the "gay agenda." Whatever! Straight/Gay/Unlabeled - I don't care...Heath Ledger's family does not need Fred Phelps and his klan trying to nab their 15 seconds of fame off his tragic passing.

I'm going to step off my soap box now because I am just too pissed to write. Please consider watching the following two clips - I especially appreciate the Dan Abrams one. Thank goodness for sanity!

(By the way - when you watch the Abrams video, he mentions postings on Yahoo...well, I personally read comments on AOL too. One read: "Oh too bad! Another Hollywood Homosexual Liberal is dead. Praise the Lord!" What kind of world do we live in??!!)

MSNBC - Live with Dan Abrams (1.23.08) Abrams criticizes the Westboro Baptist Church for planning to picket Heath Ledger's funeral and Fox News host John Gibson for using Brokeback Mountain to mock Ledger's death. [ watch ]

MSNBC - Countdown with Keith Olbermann (1.23.08) Olbermann makes Fox News host John Gibson his "Worst Person in the World" for mocking the death of Heath Ledger on his radio show by playing the iconic "Why can't I quit you?" quote from Brokeback Mountain.[ watch ]

Want to do more? Check out the GLAAD.org website!

What the hell? So sad...

I was completely shocked to learn about Heath Ledger's death yesterday. I can't say that I was his biggest fan, but I enjoyed his movies. I was/am particularly looking forward to his role as a "darker version" of The Joker in the upcoming Dark Knight film. (I get chills every time I see the clip of him/the Joker saying: "Why so serious?") His Oscar-worthy role in Brokeback Mountain is probably the one I'll always associate him with, however. He did steal a piece of my heart in that one...I mean, who didn't cry like a baby at the end of that film?!

Still, I am surprised how upset I am over his death. It just seems like such a waste to me. He was only 28. His daughter Matilda is only 2...she'll never know her father. The latest scoop is that his autopsy proved inconclusive - so now I guess there will forever be lingering questions whether his death was a suicide or an accident. The press is already dredging up stories of a sad, tragic childhood. They are pulling out rumors of alleged sleeping problems/prescription pill abuse and lingering depression gems. They are running around the Sundance Film Festival getting people's "reactions" about the news. What the hell do you think the reactions will be like? Really, the whole thing makes me sick. It is such a circus. I felt so bad for his family when they brought his body out of his apartment. There must have been 200 photographers there. No respect or privacy - even in death.

The whole thing reminds me of when River Phoenix died...of course he was even younger. It is sad to see what Hollywood can do to a person. I wouldn't want to be a movie star for anything. You can't even put gas in your car without someone getting in your face or stalking you from across the street. Fame comes with a price, but should it cost you your life? Look at Britney Spears! Jesus...what a train wreck! Yet, I do feel sorry for her at times. Can you imagine living in her life for even a day? 20 people with cameras in your face the moment you dare leave your home? Dozens of idiots pushed up against your car - you can't leave and you can't get out. Then when you do leave, they chase you through the streets! There is never a moment of solitude or peace in her life. No thanks! It is hardly surprising that living under that much pressure and scrutiny has affected her mentally. Paparazzi needs to be outlawed...I think we can all live without seeing Cameron Diaz buying a latte! Don't you?

As for Heath - I want to remember him in happier times. I want to erase the image of his foot flopping up and down under that body bag as they rolled his body over a curb and into the van. I wish for his friends and family a moment of peace.

See you in a better place, cowboy.

Kickin' ass...taking names!

It has been a rather odd weekend. Saturday started with the first meeting of the year for my GLBT advocacy group, SpeakOUT. This is the fourth year that I've been running this organization - which I founded. Last year we had a lot of success, but personally it was probably the least fulfilling for me. In fact, I think burn out was at an all time high for me in 2007. I was determined NOT to re-live that in 2008. So, I really put in a lot of effort to make this meeting run like a well-oiled machine...and I succeeded! I was 'the woman'! If i wouldn't look like a total dork, I would have given myself a high-five. LMAO I really pulled out all the stops; I had created thank you certificates for all our members and folders with 2008 calendars in them. Our topic was being an ally for transgender people, and I found several relevant articles to share with the group, and I even put a copy of each article in their folder. I also made sure to include a terminology sheet and went to the trouble of writing up key points on this huge flip chart! (I think I am still on a marker high.) I think it was well worth the extra work because everyone (and we were busting at the seems with people) seemed to be engaged at the meeting. I think I even impressed our guest speaker, who runs his own (new) group TransOhio.





Speaking of our guest (whom we will call SM), we spoke after the meeting for about 30 minutes. In those 30 minutes he directly & indirectly confirmed a lot of the things I had figured were truths with regard to our organization's split with Stonewall Columbus (SWC) in April of last year. SM is now on the board of SWC, and he wanted to know in my own words why we parted ways with SWC. Maybe I shouldn't have been so honest with my opinions and stories, but I held nothing back...the good and bad. He confirmed that SWC basically held a meeting to oust us. I'll never know why for sure. He also told me that he would like to see SWC and SpeakOUT "bury the hatchet" and make peace. Apparently we are feuding and I didn't even know it. LOL I still don't know what great wrongs I committed for the new board of SWC to turn on me - but I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I wasn't brain-dead nor a sheep willing to follow them right off the cliff. Oh well. Still, it was satisfying to finally know for sure I wasn't just paranoid. They had even convinced SM that I was no good - but he came to speak anyway. Let's just say I think he and I are on the same page now...and he has a new opinion of me that he came about with on his own. So suck that SWC!



The hubby and I even managed to sneak in a couple of hours of alone time! We went to Sonic - yummmm - and I got my favorite: a cherry limeade. Then we went home and put our alone time it to (ahem) good use. Hee hee... The rest of the evening was both a nightmare and a relief. My mother came over to discuss our financial situation. We went over all our bills and she agreed to loan us enough money to cover rent and past due bills. We can now use this next check to get totally caught up. It was humiliating to go through that ordeal - but I finally feel like I can breathe again. Maybe now the clouds will lift a little more for me. It certainly is a good start.



Sunday we ran errands and dropped Meg off to a sleepover. We also met up with my mother and aunt to have dinner with my cousin Michelle and her almost 2 year old daughter Lilly. It was the first time I had seen Lilly since she was a tiny baby. They live in AZ, so we never get the chance. Lilly is such a charmer! (I'll have to get a picture to post here.) Brandon even said to me, "Mommy I like her. She is so cute that I just want to eat her up." LOL Lilly was quite taken with her older cousin too. They played together quite a bit. They dropped by today as well to play for a couple more hours. I was sad to see them go. I miss having a little one around under foot.



I'll be glad to see tomorrow come. The kids will go back to school and I'll have the house to myself. I'm really making a dent in my house projects. I wonder if anyone else has noticed.



Newest CD I think you ought to listen too: My December by Kelly Clarkson
Best track on above mentioned CD: Never Again - don't go pissing off Kelly! Move over Alanis...
A new group you ought to check out: The Receiver - Casey Cooper works with my hubby...but they are actually quite good! We saw them last Friday at the LC. They opened up for Watershed. Kind of like Radiohead...
Shout out to my favorite USA Network Show: Psych! Did you watch it on Friday (10PM)? Hilarious...as usual. You should be watching this show. It is exactly what I need after sitting through yet another downer of an episode over on Monk.
Still not sure about: Breaking Bad on AMC. We watched the pilot Sunday (10PM) and I am not hooked yet. I love Bryan Cranston, but if you are looking for his persona from Malcom in the Middle - keep looking! Also, I'm already hooked on ABC's Brothers & Sisters in this time slot. The hand-held camera look made me feel sick at times too. Did you watch? What did you think?
Best reason to get up on a cold January morning:
Hugh Laurie...online, on House, on my CD player or wherever the good doctor might like to be.

Wouldn't it be nice?

I'm sitting here looking at my cat Gatsby snoozing the afternoon away. How I envy him. He has no worries, no debts and lives moment to moment. People feed him, coo over how cute he is and generally make a fuss over him for no apparent reason. A little bouncy ball or dangling string makes his day. Can you imagine being able to live your life like that? Ah, to be a cat.

I finally had to break down and ask my mother for a loan to help bail us out of our financial crisis. She, of course, agreed...but I feel like a piece of shit for having to ask. I never thought my life would end up like this. I was smart and driven. I had ambitions and big dreams. What the hell happend? How did I end up 36, divorced once, and struggling just to feed my two kids? I want a do over!

The more I think about things, the more I just long for a clean slate. I want to fill up a building-sized black board of all my mistakes and regrets...then I want to blow the crap out of it! I want to look up and see an empty place - ready for me to start again without penalty or a trace of yesterday's ghosts. I want to run...and never look back.

Torchwood hotness...

Did you hear that James Marsters, aka "Spike" of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame, is going to be on Torchwood? Not only is he going to be on Torchwood...he is going to get it on with Capt. Harkness! I recently saw the season two trailer of the BBC America hit, and there are major sparks flying between the two!

You can see it for yourself by visiting this link from TVGuide Online:

Question: Got anything on the new season of Torchwood?— TK
Ausiello: Aside from this exclusive clip of Spike frenching Capt. Harkness in the Jan. 26 season premiere? Let's see…. Don't expect the scoobies to get a resolution to the "Where'd Jack disappear to in the finale" right away. I've seen the first two episodes, and they still have no clue where their boss was.

I can honestly say that for the first time in a long, long time I wish I could have picked up the phone and called Barb. That clip just screams "Martin & Ben"!! (Long-time readers will know what I mean by that.) I couldn't have written it better myself. It figures a man-on-man TV clip would make me miss her. I'm so predictible.

Regardless - I can't wait to watch it. Jan. 26th!

Life - or something like it...

I have spent the last 24 hours basically playing catch up online. My computer hasn't been very useful of late...every time I manage to get online, it runs so slowly that I literally sit here and wait for 15 minutes just to open an email. Something that should take me a few moments turns into 30 minutes of frustration! I wish I could afford my own ISP, but for now I am stuck with "free" WiFi and plain luck...which as you know, in my case is usually the bad kind.

For some unknown reason, however, late yesterday afternoon I was able to log on and STAY on! The speed is also reasonable. Maybe it was my semi-serious threats to throw my computer out the window...or maybe it was just my turn to get a lucky break; whatever the reason, I've been online as much as possible since. I had to get my work for SpeakOUT finished before I could even think about blogging, updating my MySpace page or even checking my other email accounts. Getting caught up on my SpeakOUT work took me hours! I had so much to do to prepare for the first meeting of the year. My hard work paid off though because I'm happy to say that I am 100% ready for Saturday's meeting. I put a lot of effort into the planning of this meeting and I hope everyone notices (and appreciates it).

The truth is that I need to start looking at my time working on SpeakOUT more positively - or this will be the last year that I run it. I just feel so negative about my group lately that it is likely one cause of my depression. It isn't the people, it's the politics. I find myself with this feeling of dragging around a heavy cross upon my shoulders when I think about my advocacy work. It used to be a source of pride and happiness...but that seems like a long time ago looking at it now. The people I must work with to make it all happen have basically sucked that enthusiasm out of me. I feel very bitter and negative. That can't be a good thing. So in 2008 it is sink or swim time for me. Time will tell...

I've actually made quite a dent in my nesting/organizing list! I'm proud to say that I am making good progress. I've tackled several items I was dreading, and I've been able to purge quite a bit of crap out of the dark corners of my life/space. I can see a dramatic improvement in our closet already - but I still have a way to go in there. I have so many things...articles, kid's art work, magazines, knick-knacks - it is hard to find a place for them. Taming our paper dragon has been a serious issue. At one point I had about 20 mini-piles on our bedroom floor and bed! I just stood there and nearly burst into tears. I was paralyzed! I didn't know what to do with them. The sad part was that I had a box bursting at the seems of stuff I had decided to toss in addition to the 20 piles! A lot of it is SpeakOUT stuff...it is taking over my life!

Brandon has been selected to be a "model" for the Promise Ball catalog. The Promise Ball is basically a major fundraiser for diabetes. He was excited to be chosen and now he runs around the house practising his poses. Last night he ran into the living room and did the "Superstar" pose made famous on Saturday Night Live. It was freaking hilarious! I swear that boy is just plain crazy sometimes. LOL In addition to having his photo in the magazine, he will get interviewed as well. This all happens on 1/26.

Meaghan is also getting some "super star" treatment. Her uncle and cousin are involved in filming a promotional video for their church. They asked Meaghan to star in it! I thought she would be very excited, but I think she is too nervous to be excited. She's mad that she has to wear a dress. LOL If she is really going to be an actress, she better get used to it. That happens this Friday evening. What a life!

Not much is happening on the money issues I mentioned before. I made $20 in babysitting this week, and tonight I'll earn another $25 for doing a taste test at Wendy's International. $45 isn't much, but it will buy gas.

Well, I need to get to those piles on my floor. I'm happy to report there are only about 4 left. :o)

Stupid Song I Can't Help But Listen to Lately: Potential Breakup Song by Aly & AJ

Best New CD I've Heard: The Dan in Real Life Soundtrack - LOVE IT!!!

Seven: The number of days until NBC is supposed to show the last 2 new Chuck episodes taped before the writer's strike.

Do not collect $200...

As long as I’ve lived in Ohio, you’d think I’d be used to its wacky weather. Yet, I cannot believe that I just spent the last 40 minutes outside raking leaves in a tank top! It’s January people! It is nearly 70 degrees out there. Now, I’m no scientist - and I’m certainly not Al Gore – but what more proof do you need that global warming is real? Well, at least I got outside today and enjoyed it. I also got all those last small piles of fall leaves raked away at last. I even swept the walkways, garage and picked up some random litter. I felt reluctant to come back inside, but I couldn’t really think of anything else to keep me out there and away from my chores inside. Sigh!

So, here we all are – one week into the New Year. How many resolutions have you broken by now? LOL I only had three resolutions this year – have more sex in 2008, finally get my last will & testament made and freaking get an actual life that I don’t mind living in! Lofty goals, no? Well, I’m happy to say the first goal is off to a nice start and I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching on the third. The second requires money and I have none so it will have to wait and stare at me with its beady eyes! (It has a right to be pissy! It has been a New Years resolution for the last 11 years…still it is not done.)

I read an article in a magazine about quitting while you are behind - in order to get ahead. I know that sounds back-assward but it spoke to me. It was about realizing that you might never be “the best’ or that a goal you thought was “the one” which if successful would mean happiness, but instead it might actually be making your life miserable as you try to reach it. They used the example of gamblers – people who loose $50 tell themselves that their bad streak can’t last forever and besides they have to keep playing so they can win it back. But what happens? They end up loosing $200 more trying to win back the $50. Sometimes quitting when you are down is the best course to put you back on the right path. The ideal that you can walk away is not comfortable, but it is a choice. We need to remind ourselves of that. We can admit failure and loose $50 or we can play the fool and loose $250. Is that winning just because you didn’t give up? The article has me thinking about quitting some things in my life which have felt like a dead weight on my shoulders for a long time…I just have to decide how to convince myself it is a choice. That is the hard part.

Money is a huge problem right now – we are so behind that I don’t know how to get back on track. It is a scary thing… I’m so stressed right now. We are past “struggling” and have begun instead to sink. I have no reason to throw blame or anger toward anyone other than myself for this situation. I need to figure out how to make things better. It is so frustrating though. We paid off a huge bill ($330 for gas) and the next month our bill was still like $200! (This includes our regular bill, plus a $19 fee to reconnect the gas and then another $125 as a security deposit.) How in the hell do you ever get caught up? We can’t afford to pay the deposit so now we are behind again… It’s the same with the other bills. One check goes to pay the rent – then we are just chasing our tails paying off minimums to keep the utilities on with the next check. Then it is time to pay rent again. Somewhere in there we also have to squeeze in gas for the car, food and medical bills. We NEVER get caught up. Every check is gone before it hits our account and we struggle to even make it to the next check to start all over. I just want to cry. I can’t even consider bankruptcy because we don’t have that kind of debt. We have neither a credit card nor do we have any debt on a credit card. It is all just bills you have in order to live.

It just feels hopeless.

So there you go dear readers – that is where I am this day: circling the drain! I know “money doesn’t buy happiness” but in my case it could save my sanity. It is outrageous to me that less than $10,000 would totally turn my life around and then I read about some heiress or someone spending that much on a dinner party or for a diamond dog collar! It makes me sick.

I remind myself daily that even this crummy life is better than others have. I try to remain grateful for what I do have…it is just really hard when every day is a constant struggle. It’s hard also when you know that all it would take is one really bad thing to land me in those people’s shoes.

I’m going to end this pity party and remind myself of the happy minutes I spent outside earlier. I’m going to find my silver lining and look on the bright side of life…even if I have to fake!

Be well…

Be the tenth in 2008!

“For every nine people who denounce innovation, only one will encourage it…
For every nine people who do things the way they have always been done, only one will ever wonder if there is a better way…
For every nine people who stand in line in front of a locked building, only one will ever come around and check the back door…
Our progress as a species rests squarely on the shoulders of that tenth person. The nine are satisfied with things they are told are valuable. Person 10 determines for himself what has value.”

~Za Rinpoche and Ashley Nebelseick in The Backdoor to Enlightenment